Thread
| Improve this sentence? netskyIam 20 Aug 08 6:45PM | Thread Closed |
I say that poetic thought-skill can improve quite a good deal of the prose we run across in daily life.
Improve this sentence?
How would you retouch this for better sound and also for compactness?
"She first stepped on the London stage in 1882"
context:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0926599/bio
_________
feel free to cite examples of your own finding, and please show what you'd alter to improve the sonics and reduce the verbiage to a minimum?
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| re: Improve this sentence? unknown 20 Aug 08 8:25PM | Thread Closed |
She debuted at London's St James theatre in 1882.
Not sure if i like this any better than the original, usually a biography warrants more words not less? hmm maybe not.
duality
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| re: Improve this sentence? netskyIam 20 Aug 08 9:21PM | Thread Closed |
That's fine, better than that opening sentence was. Go on and see the rest of the biography of this woman who plays the patrician grandmother in Mrs. Miniver.
Here I suggest we might improve our prose by editing the text, say, of that biography, for practice.
How I'd trim the first sentence, cutting out every non-essential word, we gain impact power, poetic sound, suggested:
She stepped upon the London stage in 1882
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Here's the entirety of that IMBD biography text, scan it for errors in wording and punctuation as you like, any and everyone? How would you edit it; be an editor for the good of language.
QUOTE:
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| Edit this for optimal effect? netskyIam 20 Aug 08 9:22PM | Thread Closed |
Born Mary Whitty on June 19, 1865 to a Liverpool newspaper editor and his wife, she became known as May Whitty to the world.
She first stepped on the London stage in 1882. She worked as an understudy at the St. James Theatre, and then, began playing leading roles when she joined a traveling stock company. After nearly 25 years as one of the leading British stage actresses, she appeared in her first film, Enoch Arden (1914), in Great Britain. She did not care much for the experience, and appeared in only a few silent films afterward. In 1918, based on her service to the arts and for performing for the troops during World War I, she was named Dame Commander of the British Empire by King George. After a string of 1930s Broadway successes, she went to Hollywood, following the example of many of her British contemporaries. She found herself usually cast in high-born roles, sometimes crotchety, sometimes imperious, but often warm-hearted. Classic examples of these were the crotchety Mrs. Bramson, an invalid who falls for the homicidal Robert Montgomery in Night Must Fall (1937), Miss Froy in The Lady Vanishes (1938) where she plays the title character enduring great physical exertion while maintaining her poise and dignity, and as Lady Beldon in Mrs. Miniver (1942), a role which garnered an Oscar nomination for best supporting actress. She proved herself equally capable of playing working-class roles, such as the dowdy phony psychic in The Thirteenth Chair (1937). Besides two Oscar nominations, she also won the National Board of Review best acting award for the 1937 film, Night Must Fall (1937).
In 1892, she married London producer Ben Webster. They were the parents of a daughter, Margaret Webster, who became a playwright and actress in her own right. Margaret penned her mother's biography, The Same Only Different, published in 1969. Whitty died at the age of 82 from cancer in Beverly Hills, shortly after completed her scenes in the film The Sign of the Ram (1948). She once said, "I've got everything Betty Grable has...only I've had it longer."
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| re: Improve this sentence? trochee 20 Aug 08 10:18PM | Thread Closed |
She embarked on the 18th century London stage.
She first walked the London stage in 1882.
The 1882 London stage was her first step.
The 1882 London stage was her first stride.
The 1882 London stage was her first tread.
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| re: Improve this sentence? netskyIam 20 Aug 08 10:31PM | Thread Closed |
^ ^
I like that! That's just more than fine, those strides she strode.
=Eighteenth= cinchury, even better, lol!
________
It would be a lot of work to improve on the (basically) good text.
However, taken in small chunks, we can find error and ways to improve this:
QUOTE:
In 1892, she married London producer Ben Webster. They were the parents of a daughter, Margaret Webster, who became a playwright and actress in her own right. Margaret penned her mother's biography, The Same Only Different, published in 1969. Whitty died at the age of 82 from cancer in Beverly Hills, shortly after completed her scenes in the film The Sign of the Ram (1948). She once said, "I've got everything Betty Grable has...only I've had it longer."
(find the glaring error, and then find the less obvious error?)
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| re: Improve this sentence? trochee 21 Aug 08 3:07AM | Thread Closed |
thnks reid.
In 1892, she married London producer Ben Webster. They were the parents of a daughter, Margaret Webster, who became a playwright and an actress in her own right. Margaret penned her mother's biography, 'The Same Only Different', published in 1969. Whitty died at the age of 82 from cancer in Beverly Hills, shortly after completed her scenes in the film The Sign of the Ram (1948). She once said, "I've got everything Betty Grable has...only I've had it longer."
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| re: Improve this sentence? netskyIam 21 Aug 08 3:26AM | Thread Closed |
no, thank YOU, trochee
my two "errors" remain uncorrected, but still, I do truly agree about your selection of underscored text.
-missing word in the third from last line
-died at age 82 OF cancer (not "from" cancer).
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| re: Improve this sentence? unknown 21 Aug 08 3:46AM | Thread Closed |
> ^ ^
>
> I like that! That's just more than fine, those strides she strode.
> =Eighteenth= cinchury, even better, lol!
>
> ________
> It would be a lot of work to improve on the (basically) good text.
> However, taken in small chunks, we can find error and ways to improve
> this:
>
> QUOTE:
> In 1892, she married London producer Ben Webster. They were the
> parents of a daughter, Margaret Webster, who became a playwright and
> actress in her own right. Margaret penned her mother's biography, The
> Same Only Different, published in 1969. Whitty died at the age of 82
> from cancer in Beverly Hills, shortly after completed her scenes in
> the film The Sign of the Ram (1948). She once said, "I've got
> everything Betty Grable has...only I've had it longer."
>
> (find the glaring error, and then find the less obvious error?)
completing?
and betty grable lived until 1970, so she had it longer?
and haven't i got anything better to do?
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| re: Improve this sentence? trochee 21 Aug 08 3:50AM | Thread Closed |
oh yes 'of' cancer and not 'from' cancer.
freaks i am getting old or amnesiac?
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