Thread
| re: Improve this sentence? unknown 21 Aug 08 3:54AM | Thread Closed |
> > ^ ^
> >
> > I like that! That's just more than fine, those strides she strode.
>
> > =Eighteenth= cinchury, even better, lol!
> >
> > ________
> > It would be a lot of work to improve on the (basically) good text.
> > However, taken in small chunks, we can find error and ways to
> improve
> > this:
> >
> > QUOTE:
> > In 1892, she married London producer Ben Webster. They were the
> > parents of a daughter, Margaret Webster, who became a playwright and
> > actress in her own right. Margaret penned her mother's biography,
> The
> > Same Only Different, published in 1969. Whitty died at the age of 82
> > from cancer in Beverly Hills, shortly after completed her scenes in
> > the film The Sign of the Ram (1948). She once said, "I've got
> > everything Betty Grable has...only I've had it longer."
> >
> > (find the glaring error, and then find the less obvious error?)
>
> completing?
> and betty grable lived until 1970, so she had it longer?
>
> and haven't i got anything better to do?
ooops on the betty grable, i was confusiing debtors with creditors
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| re: Improve this sentence? netskyIam 21 Aug 08 4:00AM | Thread Closed |
As a writer, you have nothing better to do than to look for and eradicate errors in your own texts, or in the texts of others (because the latter exercise translates into better work of your own creation).
"completing" fixes the missed word error.
However, "ing" suffice words are better less seen and heard, when practical, especially in poetic speech or ear-agreeable prose.
We might say, and I'm going to inject my preferences, and Strunk and White commas, into the sentence:
Whitty died at eighty two of cancer, in Beverly Hills, shortly after she completed her final scenes in the film, The Sign of the Ram (1948)
Logic: when Whitty was quoted she had already lived a much longer life than Grable, and so her wry comment was and is valid; especially too, because Grable did not live for eighty-plus years, after all; not that Whitty would or could know of that.
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| re: Improve this sentence? unknown 21 Aug 08 7:14AM | Thread Closed |
Hi, have only just seen this. A journalistic piece couched in the American idiom.
A quick glance through picks out traveling (travelling) and phony (phoney) neither word would find favour in a British paper.
I note the use of completed in the final sentence, surely this should have been completing or at least she completed.
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| re: Improve this sentence? chuckle_s 21 Aug 08 7:18AM | Thread Closed |
why would you think that it needs to be improved? check that rhythm
she first stepped on
the london stage
in 1882
there is a perfectly metered rhyming poem screaming to be released from this sentence. i think it's a great little sentence!
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| re: Improve this sentence? netskyIam 21 Aug 08 8:09AM | Thread Closed |
You're perfectly right, Chuck. I'd only point out that for that rhythm to be that apparent requires the line breaks which you so well applied.
Not really wanting to change the topic from Dame May ((Britisher above, thanks too)), I was just reading about character actor, Ernest Borgnine. He is best remembered for his starring role in McHale's Navy, a popular USA sitcom.
Well, Borgnine remains active at ninety one. According to the Wikipedia ((haven for horrible English)), see this last line and then correct its punctuation? As it reads today:
QUOTE:
On August 14, 2008, Borgnine claimed on FoxNews, most likely without his knowledge given he was whispering to a compere wearing a lapel microphone, that the secret to his long life was that he "masturbates a lot".[7][8]
_______
Funny to have run across this, but it's fresh, and just the other day here I myself noted that pulling the pud is a great way for males to live longer--it seems to prevent prostate cancer, a big killer of dead dicked men.
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| re: Improve this sentence? unknown 21 Aug 08 8:28AM | Thread Closed |
> why would you think that it needs to be improved? check that rhythm
>
> she first stepped on
> the london stage
> in 1882
>
> there is a perfectly metered rhyming poem screaming to be released
> from this sentence. i think it's a great little sentence!
She first stepped on
the London Stage
in 1882.
A mere seventeen
she was of age
to prove her craft
were true.
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| re: Improve this sentence? unknown 21 Aug 08 9:08AM | Thread Closed |
She first stepped on
the London Stage
in 1882.
A mere seventeen
she was of age
to prove her craft
were true.
For many years
she wooed her fans
her performance
was the rage.
She never liked
the silver screen-
or gave it favour such.
She much preferred
a acting role
with her own special touch
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| re: Improve this sentence? Mongrol 21 Aug 08 9:12AM | Thread Closed |
Pretty crap Mor. Plebeian if you will.
Net asked for some improvements to the phrase... not pedestrian verse from a bore.
:)
~ Mong
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| re: Improve this sentence? unknown 21 Aug 08 9:20AM | Thread Closed |
Well you are truly the expert on being a bore, nobody wishes to deprive you of that accolade- would you like a ten or two for shit behaviour.
What ever NetskyIam thinks he will no doubt tell me. He certainly does not need you to operate any strings on his behalf.
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| re: Improve this sentence? chuckle_s 21 Aug 08 9:39AM | Thread Closed |
very nice!
> She first stepped on
> the London Stage
> in 1882.
> A mere seventeen
> she was of age
> to prove her craft
> were true.
> For many years
> she wooed her fans
> her performance
> was the rage.
> She never liked
> the silver screen-
> or gave it favour such.
> She much preferred
> a acting role
> with her own special touch
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