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rainy days always make me sad ...  AlchemiA  18 Oct 17 8:38PM Thread Closed

On the far side of this torrentially rainy afternoon, my chest is heaving with a heart full of anxious discordant speech -- I'm in afib -- I feel the distant planets warp and weft in space, and this spinning world, spinning out of place while Solar events stimulate our gyrating geomagnetic sphere, I'm here, catching my breath and listening too.

I feel these electric triggers of a planet gone askew -- sometimes all I can do is let the frenzy of cacophony play out -- while I bear down and lay for awhile on the ground.

It feels like hell though, having experienced abiding in the long rhythms of natural Peace, which I remember with a grin, it's as if now I'm agitated in the fires of Sin.

Nevertheless, I digress, I beseech, I reel, and then I faint from the pain in my chest; a pain with no upper limit, no crescendo, just a rising fugue with no hope of return -- I can't remember anything at all, then.

I'm riding it out, using a few tricks, where ignorance is my friend and not knowing my special talent -- I do this while writing, scratching out words, with many strokes of my ink spilling pens -- sitting in my studio, leaning over my desk, convalescing and trying not to think of what the future may bring.

However, and notwithstanding this constant reeling I feel, falling down I yet wonder, while looking for a spot to drop, I hear a distant thunder, my eyes see sparkles like crystal dew, flashing shards of reflection, in this my room with a view...

All my blood is pooling, in my misfit heart, spiralling around and around, and I cannot feel my heart beat, my heart beat, where is the beat in my heart?

Anyways, I keep on and push the discomfort away, as if I have some say -- my cardiologists give me drugs to escape this and espouse their killer strategy of murdering that part of my heart that reacts to my vagus nerves mysterious entreaties and tribulations -- with its rapid rise and sudden fall, with each opposite beat cancelling the flow, with each beat lost to the veto of this foreign request, my heart persists, as if trying to make me whole.

Why would an errant signal from my vagus nerve feel like the sky is falling, beseech me to run and hide? Is this the boy who cried wolf? It's as if my vagus nerve knows more than I, as if the world has lost its way, gone crazy, gone far astray, like a sheep in wolfs clothing.

I cannot feel my pulse -- I have no pulse -- only a slushing surge -- no beat, no rhythm, no tempo -- like my poems -- just noise. I listen to music now, half hoping that these natural rhythms, these jazz beats and blissful rising cannons can compete within me.

My mind is calm, relaxed, measured; I'm not stressed -- yet by my body signals, by my heart disrupted, tells me I'm in terror, waiting to die a horrible death, choking, trying to catch my breath.

re: rainy days always make me sad ...  cadmium  18 Oct 17 9:43PM Thread Closed

rainy down here too.

cool, if you could turn this into a story -- put it in narrative and make a character for the title role. send the character out to find a name, that is, an energy focus for the story you're writing. as he bumps into people the plot will thicken, cause you'll have to describe these types and use them or discard them as your joe walks the rainy sidewalk or forest or just walks on water, cause when you're starting out writing it's all about you anyway. : )

nice essay.

re: rainy days always make me sad ...  cadmium  20 Oct 17 3:48PM Thread Closed

silvery rain.

re: rainy days always make me sad ...  unknown  22 Oct 17 3:16PM Thread Closed

better than vfib

re: rainy days always make me sad ...  Qayyum  4 Nov 17 10:50AM Thread Closed

Peace AlchemiA. Sorry for the late post. Am very very sorry about your pedicament. Maybe you need to move to a place where your heart will find peace, and then find cues that signal to you what went wrong in the place you live that does not happen in the place you visit.

re: rainy days always make me sad ...  Qayyum  4 Nov 17 10:50AM Thread Closed

Again, peace AlchemiA.

re: rainy days always make me sad ...  impoppy  18 Nov 17 9:24PM Thread Closed

that was kinda beautiful alc :)

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