poetry critical

online poetry workshop



vision
hank

a tree stood before me
 1
and moved as i moved
 2
i could not walk around it
 3
 
 
i found it went to great lengths
 4
uprooting time and again
 5
to stand in my path
 6
 
 
i suffered to look at it
 7
and once became calm
 8
enough to glance through it
 9
 
 
enough to be shaded
 10
by all of its boughs and branches
 11
enough to be guided
 12
 
 
through to its other side
 13
whence the tree disappeared
 14
and stood smiling behind me.
 15

13 Sep 04


(define the words in this poem)
(440 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

this is really very good, I see a beauty in it that I rarely see in poetry. in most poems I would tell you to capitalize the 'i's, but I think it does justice to this in the way that its almost symbolic of a more natural way of life, and also the destruction of ego. I love the idea behind this, and I have a few comments to tidy it up a little. first, I think 'i found it went to great lengths' would be better in L4, and 'and at once became calm' for L8. overall, very very good, kudos on this. keep up the good work, I enjoyed this.
 — ShelbyS

thank you for the comments shelbys, really appreciate them. i agree with the changes but after some deliberation will leave this one alone as they are the words that came out and so are the words that will stay. using 'went' instead of 'going' changes the next line a little for me, and adding 'at' in line 8 adds a meaning that i didn't really intend. 'at once' is sudden. anyway, i'll reread next logon and see how it is hitting me. thanks again.
 — hank

disregard previous. shelbys your spot on and this reads better thanks
 — hank

you were lucky
 — unknown

Sounds like a nice metaphor for perhaps a parent or gaurdian? I enjoyed it.
 — Cloudless

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