| concrete love
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akiikii
| You told | 1 |
her to | 2 |
stop her | 3 |
hiding. | 4 |
So she | 5 |
did, and | 6 |
there | 7 |
behind | 8 |
her not- | 9 |
so-clever mask you | 10 |
found she loved you | 11 |
too. You raced together | 12 |
toward a future you | 13 |
| |
simply didn't | 14 |
know anything about, | 15 |
and, sadly, | 16 |
there was deep hurt | 17 |
at the end of | 18 |
things. At least, | 19 |
it seemed the end | 20 |
until dying | 21 |
autumn burst to | 22 |
new life where | 23 |
something scary and | 24 |
familiar was | 25 |
waiting. | 26 |
| |
There you found | 27 |
yourself again | 28 |
in the arms | 29 |
you could | 30 |
not (though | 31 |
you tried | 32 |
so hard) forget. | 33 |
You found | 34 |
that the same | 35 |
connection | 36 |
that was | 37 |
there | 38 |
at | 39 |
| |
first still lived somehow, inspite | 40 |
of the death dance you had | 41 |
done in | 42 |
honor of | 43 |
its loss, | 44 |
and she, shame, was the | 45 |
same sweet girl who used | 46 |
to laugh | 47 |
and hold | 48 |
your hand. | 49 |
Now there is left a question... | 50 |
what's to be done with the mess? | 51 |
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30 Nov 04 |
Rated 8.1 (8.1) by 16 users.
Active (16): 1, 1, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (30): 1, 1, 4, 4, 6, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(12 more poems by this author)
(17 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Oh wow. This is beautiful. The structure..even the story...it's just awesome. There are some dodgy bits where the narrative falls off, but I'll leave that for someone else to pick apart. I'm still quietly stunned by the shape and look of this. Wow. Brilliant.
— wendz
Ditto. Who you are? It doesn't matter. Post it on a telephone pole. Post several. Line 50-51, who wrote that? Maybe Cicero. AD 6.
— unknown
creative and true. speaking straight, and leaving us with the question.. what do you do when you can't stop something that you thought you could, but you can't get rid of the 'mess' either. Brilliant
— PipPatois
ooooh...... I am impressed!
this must have taken you forever.
My only tips--there are a few places where you are starting your line with "And" or "and". In my humble opinion, this word is rarely (if ever) strong enough to start its own line. 9 times out of 10, you can rework a sentence/line to skip the word "and" and end up with a bolder more cunning phrase.
Just food for thought... Nice work.
— aforbing
yeah, the ands were bothering me to. They were simple (lazy) solutions to spacing problems mostly. I have actually reworked this a bit as it originally had no punctuation at all. I'll see what I can do.
— akiikii
This is one that will sail right to the top of the top rated list i'm sure!
I'd consider it an achievement if i had even been able to form the shape, forget about saying something interesting....
This has been the most impressive thing i've seen for a while!
L v & nbsp; it
&nbs p; o e
— silly
thats "love it" by the way....? not some clever message!
— silly
made some slight changes. Any better?
— akiikii
Oh yes... this is MUCH better now! Another high score.
Can you score something twice?? I am ignorant on that.
— aforbing
wow.
— mangina
lovely. really.
— Ananke
Thank you guys. Did anyone notice that "love" is both the answer to the question and the mess the story leaves?
— akiikii
I prefer the old title, sorry. I thought this was a sequel there.....try doing a sequel...that'd be good
— shakes
thanks, shakes, I'll try another concrete poem soon.
— akiikii
I'm just going to make a small comment right now, as I'm not sure what else to say regarding this yet - "her not so clever mask" in ll9-10 should be a hyphenated phrase ("her not-so-clever mask"). It should be fine like so:
So she
did, and
there
behind
her not-
so- clever mask you
found she loved you
too.
-semaj
— unknown
ouch...a four and no help. Come on now, kids, play nice.
— akiikii
i think this is quite lovely. you are very creative with your work. i like that, bravo.
— Ferroggiaro
does it really deserve a one? With such a low mark, I would love to hear any suggestions for improvements...
— akiikii
This is wonderful - first liked the layout, then I read the poem and I liked it more. I think joie de vivre expresses it best, followed by jealousy; I think the one who gave it a one got bitten by the jealousy bug - a nine from me anyway, being a magnimous sort - and it is almost Christmas,
— opal
wow that was really good !! visit my site.. www. fictionpress.com~remebering never
— unknown
Never a 4 or a 1! This is a 10 all the way..
— silly
I missed this!!! This is one of the most amazing things I've seen. It works as poetry and as visual. Holy Spotted Cow!
— Isabelle5
bravo!
— Catbox
Thanks for the comments, guys.
— akiikii
awesome, amazing, i love the format!
— tragicbubble
Love Love Love LoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLo veLoveLoveLoveLoveLoveLove
— unknown
This is the raddest thing I have ever seen
— unknown
another soon to come....
— akiikii
Love it!
— PaulBeers
meh.
— unknown
How did I miss this? This is good work.
— unknown
Echo above and applause
Opal
— unknown
Very impressive.
— unknown
I really liked it..
— bobbykeyes
Raises unsettling thoughts about ex-loves- But thats my problem, not yours. You have created an absolutely wonderful piece.
— Cloudless
a good poem to be remembered...
thanks...
— genki
Kind of sweet and sad, but nothing too original, and I'm totally unsold on the necessity of writing it in a concrete form. That probably helped you find some more original choices (why I like forms for poetry) but could probably be dropped afterwards.
— synej
It was written in concrete form because it was in response to a concrete "poem" that had been written to me. The one written to me simply contained the words "stop hiding" repeated within the word love. Love, in this poem, is both the answer and the mess that is left. The shape of the V represents the arms spoken of, and the "connection" (the bottom of the letter) that remained. The hollow letter O represents the empty space left at what was believed to be the end of a relationship....one that eventually came full circle. I wonder....would it have deserved a four if it had not been on the top-rated list? If so, helpful suggestions would be appreciated.
— unknown
again, if it is worth a one, it is worth a comment. Shame, shame.
— akiikii
WOW that's all I can say, If you came up with that yourself It's great
— unknown
very very nice.
beautiful poem, even better structure. i love concrete poetry when it's done well.
— mould_jesus
GOOD By Sophia Martin
— unknown
LOVEly. :)
— Rhein
dom
— unknown
I can appreciate the skill it takes to create a shape poem, but other than as a game or an excercise, I've never seen the point. My problem I guess.
This particular shape--that of the ultimate over-used word--made this a strain to read (for me).
The real problem is that it's obvious that you have use filler words to make the shape work. That practice inevitably weakens the rest of your words. I fear that if you had put the same words in a less spectacular format, this one would not be as beloved as it seems to be.
— housepoppy
I've already seen this poem before..nice try
— unknown
Housepuppy, thanks for you criticism. Are there any specific areas that you find weak, because I would be happy to delete or change words that you see as "filler." The "point" of the poem being concrete and using the word "love" is that it was written in response to a concrete poem in the same shape which had been written to me. I used to be very close-minded about concrete poems as well, but have grown to believe they are quite beautiful as long as the words are as powerful as the shape. any advice on how to improve my wording....I can worry about the formatting on my own.
— akiikii
I am cloze-minded to the possiblility I may be close-minded about anything! lol
The words I (subjectively) think are unnecessary are as follows:l3 her, l5 so,
l7, l10 &11 you found, l12 together (maybe not), l14 simply, l17 deep hurt should be something stronger, something less-done-before, l18&19 of things,
l29 the, l33 so hard, l34-40 are more wordy than necessary, l40 inspite should be in spite, l41&42 avoid the passive, should be "did" instead of "had done".
— housepoppy
I add my "wow" to the wows.
— Quichemarie
the whole spelling out love is really cool....distracting but when i make myself read it an awsome poem...i had to read it about 5 times till i could pay attention to the words..but once i got it....it was beautiful
— Imagine
cute!!!!!
— unknown
I love the structure. You rock
-Larissa
— unknown
hello
my
name
&nbs p; is
&n bsp; manuel
— unknown
awesum possum =]
— unknown
WOW!!! THis sHoULd reALLy be PuT IN a poETry bOOk!! iT wAS ReAllY NiCE!!
goOD JoB!!
bianca
— unknown
that is really cool but the poem itself is corny and gross
— unknown
this is mtv teenage road rules elimidate acne ridden crap...
LOVE actually
— unknown
gr8
— unknown
that is so totally awesome! superb
~sun times
— unknown
i liked the poem
— unknown
kfgopijfh
— unknown
Beautiful. The only thing I don't get is what mess? They found themselves again at the end, their love still there and unchanged. Don't know where the deep hurt that got in the way came from but I say forget the past. They're luckier than some as they got a second chance. Not a sad poem but a very happy one! Good for them and good for you. I'm giving this a 9 only because I fail to get the question at the end.
— wamblicante
What a flashy show off poem, nice visual effect
— larrylark
this is brilliant ... almost says it all, really
— tj
sorry this is a stupid ass poem!!!! Fuck go take class PLEASE!!!!!!!
— unknown
this is great, i love the shape
— unknown
can u do a heart shaped oneplz xxx
— unknown
wonderful.
I know just how this feels. enchanting how you captured these emotions!
— sparrow
V
— unknown
wow this is awesome [: keep it upp
— unknown
Just for the sake of format, perhaps in stead of 'so hard' L33 simply 'to'?
— unknown
I get the question at the end. CM
— unknown
concrete crap.
another kelli clarkson lyric disguised as a poem
since u been gone
— unknown
Awesome!
— starr
hard to read, but the love effect is worth it, must have taken you ages to do!
— bleach
I loveee thisss :]
— TearDrop
Fantastic, very well done =)
— Kellie_Fern
Skilled and lovely calligraphy too. You'd have to be up it not to like this.
— unknown
(-_-)
— dia
WOW!!
This is a fantastic piece of poetry!
#1 Concrete poem eva!
(IM A POEM FREAK ^_^)
— unknown
I already rated this a long time ago (10) and just noticed a couple of small things: L33 you need "to" forget and L40 "in spite" are two words not one. Correct me if I'm mistaken. This is a really sweet piece of art. It's different. Good work/Good LOVE!
— starr
The best compliment I can give. This poem made me smile... :)
— Andramelach
Now this is a pimp structure.
— ApGwLnOsA
What you have done on the page visually is clever - but the poem is sterile. No figurative language - no concrete images. Poetry is not just about getting an emotion on paper - its about making that emotion come alive. I think you are sincere - read some contemporary poetry - "Prarie Home Companion" is a good place to start.
— unknown
hey is it written by you i don't beleive u r so creative seems to be ur story U know who i m not to be named need some more of improvement U can do more well Three Cheers for U
— unknown
Really dislike the format, makes it very hard to read and cheapens the poem.
— rocket
I'm normally not a fan of the whole "picture-structure" thing. But this works...masterfully.
Well done,
Z
— zack
Wow this is a great poem and it seems you worked really hard on it. This is a really good poem and i love it!!!
— unknown
cool.. i like it and the date?? its my birthday....
— unknown
i really can relate 2 dat poem!
— unknown
Wow dang you, you stole my IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oH WELL!!
— unknown
Ashley and Robert that go to Victor Valley High School are going to have a baby!!!!
— unknown
beautiful.
— gonewrong
that was awesome. i was just looking for some ideas of things i could right about for my 8th grade language arts class but that was amazing. that sounds like something you would hear some one say in one of those hamlet books or something. who knows you might be the next hamlet. you rock out loud dude. you should enter a poetry contest or something. my dad won one and he's not the best poet but he is good.
— unknown
Perfect.
— unknown
nice work.
: )
— fractalcore
The form is clever (somewhat). The words are not.
— unknown
Putting prose in the shape of letters doesn't make it poetry.
— unknown
well i read the sequel just before reading this and loved it as you can go check out in the comments of it. but this is not as good, for my liking, a little enigmatic but i do love the shapes and the v is so pretty, i would maybe suggest to change the position of the "not" to after the brackets but that would ruin the beautiful shape of the V.
anyway, just blabbing away here.
:)
— photobooth
wiked,that is superb i injoind it.it was lovely perfectvgcwevfbcftvvfgzvfgrzyse
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— unknown
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