poetry critical

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E.S.P.
larrylark

From a very early age he always heard
 1
he was not the same as his brothers.
 2
"Like tentacles squirming in mi insides,
 3
and a burning sensation not there with the others,
 4
like mi belly were on fire." The midwife,was amazed
 5
at the blue haze of smoke that hung over the cot
 6
as he exhaled his first breath, and he never cried
 7
or smiled or laughed,just stared out of those big
 8
green eyes sunk in a daft looking pale moon face.
 9
As he grew older he knew. The wall that fell down,
 10
the headaches he induced,his burning rages moved
 11
objects from place to place. At school ridicule was
 12
heaped on his head, smooth and large,
 13
like a puffball perched on a blade of grass.
 14
He grew to hate them in his lonliness, until one day
 15
a massive conflagration burned the school down.
 16
No-one survived but they found him spread-eagled
 17
in the bike shed, a bird about to fly,
 18
one tear stained his pallid cheek, green eyes
 19
staring sightlessly towards mid morning stars.
 20
His puffball head split wide open. Inside was like
 21
a walnut, dense and hard, then a darker ball at its
 22
core, impenetrable as dungeon walls. Somewhere
 23
a billion million miles away, galaxies imploded.
 24

1 Dec 04

Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
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Comments:

Another poem I shall read because of the title.
 — unknown

wow. some really great descriptive sequences here. has a sci-fi feel to it that's pretty cool. this is just a suggestion, but have you tried breaking up the text a bit? may make it a little less dense. interesting!
 — Catbox

Dear Unknown

I hope it lives up to expectations, Shiver shiver ,quake quake
 — unknown

Dear Catbox
thanks for the tip but i can't get to grips with the spacing on this board being virtually computer illiterate.
 — larrylark

"Theres too high an amount of litter" said larrylark illiterately
 — silly

Dear Silly

How many people would be put off putting anything on a poetry board if we all had to meet your exacting standards.Silly by name ,silly by nature. .
Oh and by the way ,i can't spell for tofffeee
 — larrylark

fa fa fa!
 — unknown

Kind of reminds me of Stings song about that thing that comes out of the slime in response to a guy in the city...anyone know the one I mean?

However, this is a little story, not poetry.  It doesn't even look as though you set it up to be poetry.  
 — Isabelle5

Dear Isabella

I think you'll find that this is a narrative poem withmany internal rythmic and and ryming devices. It was also written with tongue stuck firmly in cheek
 — unknown

No-ones ever said "dear" to me....i'm touched!
 — silly

Dear Silly

I,m touched that your touched by a little old fashioned courtesy from a real English gent like wot i is

Larry( i know my place and its far far down in the world )Lark
 — unknown

Dear Larry,

I read this when you first posted it, and couldn't make heads and/or tails of it. But as a random poem, it is amazing to me the amount of images you can pack into one poem without making it cluttered. I salute you.
-wendz
 — unknown

Dear Wendz

I salute you for recognising an attempt to reach greatness which fell among distant desolate stars.

Larry far far Lark
 — larrylark

4
 — unknown

dear Unknown

skin?

Larry circumsized Lark
 — larrylark

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