Don't look now
but she's watching.
Can't taste, nothing to smell or touch;
can't hear, but the twitch of fear
is real enough.
Turn if you dare
to catch her unaware,
gazing, always gazing,
meeting your glassy stare.
in a world that's emerged
behind your back,
where shrouded moments of the past linger.
Turn if you dare,
breathe yourself in.
Touch an icy fingertip,
let your senses swim.
Eyes blink in shadows
cast among the dead,
"Join us, join us."
Shudder, leave the room,
close a door.
Somewhere, distant faint laughter
of the departing
fades on breathless wind.
8 Dec 04
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Wow. This is fantastic! I love the imagery in it; though l.22-23 were somewhat disappointing. I loved the half-shadowed mystery of it all, and somehow those lines destroy it for me; maybe it is the introduction of rooms and doors- in other words, reality. The last 3 lines make a perfect ending and continue with the same feel as the beginning, but the two preceeding lines jerked me out of the shadow realm so abruptly that I couldn't get back into it to fully appreciate the ending. Perhaps you could find some other way for the poem's subject to leave the scene behind, but still manage to keep the ending? I don't know- a sudden thick fog, something like that; or perhaps even "waking up", thinking that it was a dream, and then hearing the "distant, faint laughter"? Hmm. . .that would be eerie. . .sorry I don't mean to rewrite your poem for you, it really is good; it's just that it would be more appealing to me with a change like this.
No. Nothing else could do or be for that is the way it happened to me and so it was that i exited through a door of my great grandmothers long deserted house which i was taken to see by my auntie.
Larry the darkness Shallow
This has been done better by a lot of other poets. It's not bad. Just not great.
I disagree with dookie - this is a piece of work of subtlety and accomplishment.
Your comments have been done before by many other commentators . Not bad but not good ,just OK
I love the passion on this site,
The passion on this site simply blows me away.
The images you convey gave me chills, truly haunting..I REALLY liked this!
This one scared me so much i had to sleep with the light on for six months.Thanks for taking the trouble to read.
Larry blinded by the light