| grizzled
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onklcrispy
| and i know the day is long | 1 |
in the frosty forest | 2 |
and i know deafening slop of chop licking | 3 |
in the shivers of my fleece | 4 |
and i hope to keep my red shoes | 5 |
in the fellowship of the ethereal | 6 |
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11 Dec 04 |
Rated 5 (7.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 5
Inactive (9): 3, 3, 5, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(23 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Wish you had taken credit for this. Love the way it starts....in the middle. The whole of this is just perfect until the last line. It's not that I don't like the last line, it just seems to need a smidge more transition into 'red shoes' or maybe it's the sudden introduction of 'they'. I think this is the best style that I have seen on the site since my return. Too bad you're an unknown.
— amy
it reminds me of the wizard of oz which reminds me of dark side of the moon
which reminds me of mary had a little lamb
— ona
ok. edited slightly.
— unknown
Lately your stuff has been flying under the radar, and I think it's some of you best stuff. I did the Elvis Costello reference in this.
--SB
— unknown
Yeah Unkl! So glad this was you! Love the edit.
— amy
Nice. I think you could do without the first two lines, it's the last two that do it for me.
— unknown
Wonderful - nuff said
caducus
— unknown
thank you for the 3 and 5 unknown scorer, i hope your poem makes it to the top
love,
Onk
— onklcrispy
I would liken this poem to what is left of a Kleenex after I've taken a good blow into it. Perhaps, at one point, it was functional--but what we're seeing here is a mere skeleton. It's too dainty, too light.
This like 2% when I wanted Vitamin D Whole Milk.
Not to mention--I've never been fond of beginning lines with the word "and".
This poem has THREE of them.
This is not horrid, but it doesn't belong in the Weekly Top 40, that is for sure!
— aforbing
i changed the title to better suit you
— onklcrispy
aforbing humps dead animals.
— unknown
I love th first two lines, it just sets the tone for the whole thing. I don't like l3 though, it's weird. You always have weird stuff in your most beautiful words. :) I like how lines five and six rhyme.
— wendz
I agree with afor, but in the same light I see that the top 40 is BULLSHIT. So, who cares? Let them have their five minutes of fame. As I said, that's why I omit mine. Soon this and in and in and in 6 line poem will fall back down to where it belongs.
— noneisreal
i really don't get this.
pretty words though?
— omega
reindeer and father christmas and lapland
— unknown
Good
— unknown
nice, onk
— rob
i don't know about this. it looks like a chunk from another poem.
— konsherto
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