| grave world
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Inuki
| I have been accused of being "elitist" and "authoritarian", and so, after long hours of tedious, back-breaking labour, I poured out the very essence of my being to produce this piece in quiet protest.
It is poetry for the masses: revolutionizing metaphor, simile, and allusion, so that they may be understood by the "common man".
Read best as it was written in Bic Permanent Marker on the back of the first page of "The Magus: A Vaudeville".
| the rain belted down upon my window last night | 1 |
as rain will often do. | 2 |
i was kept up | 3 |
like a person unable to find rest. | 4 |
my grave expression | 5 |
looked like it was solemn; | 6 |
as somber as a person | 7 |
more serious than words | 8 |
so i spoke not even a syllable. | 9 |
i remained mute like a being | 10 |
purposefully keeping silent. | 11 |
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the circles under my eyes | 12 |
were black as the ink | 13 |
of a thick permanent marker | 14 |
that resembled | 15 |
the black circles under my eyes. | 16 |
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there is no such thing as life; | 17 |
we are all as dead | 18 |
as men thrusting their erect tombstones | 19 |
into mother nature. | 20 |
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15 Dec 04 |
Rated 5.3 (5.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 3, 4, 9
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(184 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
something i quite commonly hear from a man that talks to himself
i used to talk to myself once
but i never got to the point where i didn't want to talk to myself
good poem by the way..
lala la
— ona
L2--"as rain often does"
L4--remove full stop for flow
L5 and l6--"grave" and "solemn" is redundant together. Phrasing is also awkward.
Ya know, this is very self indulgent. Way too self indulgent. I expect better from you. This feels like it was written in about five minutes, with little care taken in even trying out phrases for flow before assaulting the back of "The Magus" with the permanent marker.
The only lines of worth, the last two, are rather vulgar and crude, I can find no beauty within this piece whatsoever. It is full of redundant terms ("mute" and "silent" in l10 and l11, l3 and l4). Looking at it, I'm just about 100% sure that these reduntant terms and opposite juxtapositionings are deliberate, but they come across as extremely pretentious.
I don't know whether this is ultimate crap or the ultimate satirical piece deserving to be kicked in the head. Your first paragraph of introduction alone deserves to be chained up in the dark, you horrible person.
You have degraded the art of poetry, and sunk to the level of unknowns posting "OMG!! dis is lyk, soooo gay!!!!!!" as a "comment". You should know better, my dearest. For those who are able to tell this piece for what it is, I can feel only theirs and my collective disdain. For those who can't, well I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy that this may be lauded "good", although in a sick and twisted way, it is. You my dear, need a kick in the head. But I still love you. ^_^
-wendz
— unknown
Sheer, ruddy brilliance. If only it weren't so blatantly obvious. ^_^
-wendz
— unknown
Yeah, but you still need a kick. ^_^
-wendz
— unknown
"Way too self indulgent."
Mind your feet Ms. Wendz, lest you walk into hypocrisy. ^_-
"I expect better from you."
Well, that would lead me to believe my previous pieces set an expectation. Which means you are becoming quite contradictary, since you complained that my writing is too full of complex allusions, etc. I thought I was doing exactly what you wanted from me here, Ms. Wendz... writing for "the common man"! Or do you change your mind now, and are encouraging me to write supposedly "elitist" poetry again?
Thank-you for your time spent commenting, Ms. Wendz. I hope you will further answer my inquiries, as I honestly seek to know what kind of poetry people will enjoy here.
— Inuki
Ha. Ha. Ha. *kicks Inuki in the head*
If I were more bothered, I would phrase my reply pretentiously and toolishly. However, I am not so I shall charge on in with my stream of consciousness. ^_^ (Some call it foot in mouth syndrome)
I expect works that serve the greater good of humanity from you, not self indulgence. After all, did not one of your own pieces not say that we should not trash the trashy "poems"? (I'm sure you'll beat me in that one too. ^_^)
I said that your allusions wrote your poetry, and that you had to be careful that you did not get too clever lest you lose the point of your poetry itself. It's like forcing your idea to adapt to an aspect of poetry, it doesn't work very well. You just get away with it because you happen to be able to write half way decently.
That was the main problem with your elitist poetry, you let your allusions become the poetry. Thus, the "heart" was lost. However, "Giraffe Soup" was superbly crafted, and although still rather hard to entertain, it was a fine work of poetry, allusions and all.
Just because I do not advocate writing the lives of allusions does not mean that I want you to write like a tool. Now, be humbly chastened and let this be a lesson not to write further poetry for the common man. I promise, I will deeply research one out of every two allusion poems of yours from here on in.
-wendz
(You horrible child)
— unknown
the rain belted down upon my window last night 1
may i humbly suggest 'pelted?' (more quotidian, less chance of unintended hidden meaning)
as rain will often do. 2
i was kept up 3
like a person unable to find rest. 4 (all excellent)
my grave expression 5 (allusion to death? please simplify.)
looked like it was solemn; 6
as somber as a person 7
more serious than words 8 (good stuff)
so i spoke not even a syllable 9 (needs a period)
i remained mute like a being 10
purposefully keeping silent. 11 (best lines in the poem. sheer non-genius)
the circles under my eyes 12
black as the ink 13 (add a 'were' so that no one questions the subject/object)
of a thick permanent market 14
which resembled 15 (that would be preferred to which here)
the black circles under my eyes. 16
there is no such thing as life 17 (period or semicolon, please)
we are all as dead 18
as men thrusting their erect tombstones 19
into mother nature. 20 (careful. this is actually almost good)
as they say, 'LOL.'
-noodleman
— unknown
The last two lines made me laugh like a drain. What a hoot as the upper classes say in little old England.
— larrylark
you need a hobby.
— dookie
Thanks noodleman for so many great suggestions. I took a majority of them, (especially those involving punctuation/grammar usage) but I'm still pondering over word choice for "belting" and "grave".
— Inuki
Very full of itself. The only part I thought was original and creative are lines 17-20. The rest appears to be trying very hard to be something that falls short of whatever mark you were going for.
— Isabelle5
Okay, now that I rated it and know who I'm dealing with, some more helpful comments.
Line 1 is okay but why the comment "as rain will often do.." It's too obvious, doesn't need stating. I was kept up like a person? No, I was kept up, a person unable to find rest. (Not as a person, you are a person.)
You have a lot of lines that say you're acting like something when you actually are that thing. Why did you do that?
Line 14 - don't you mean marker? Not market.
Poet, you're already good. Why force things like this? They don't do your talent justice.
— Isabelle5
Anything, my dear,
in the service of
great bad art. :-)
-noodleman
— unknown
Still awful, my dearest. >_< You hurt my poetic heart and head. ^_-
-wendz
— unknown
Isabelle5 YOU IDIOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
You must be the girl on the short bus with the helmet I see every morning!
— unknown
I don't ride the bus and I sure don't wear a helmet.
— Isabelle5
i got it! Inuki! try this!
"the rain rained down upon my window last night
as rain will often do."
that would be a classic line.
-noodleman
— unknown
Its a fancy way of calling you a retard, retard. Your just to retarded to even get it, you retard.
— unknown
*Bows to noodleman*
You are my hero. ^_^
As to the unknown who posted "You must be the girl on the short bus with the helmet I see every morning!"...
Thanks for defending my poem (I think), but that was sort of immature and inappropriate. At least have some class when insulting people.. ^_- Go do it in the forum, not on my poem. ^^
— Inuki
*bows back to inuki*
*stands up too fast, catches eyelid on belt buckle, shrieks in unbelievable pain*
*eats last jelly donut*
*exposes himself to a nun*
— noodleman
Well, I've been reading this over for a while, ruminating on it and I think most of the comments, particularly Wendz's, have been grossly unfair. This isn't spectacular, but I don't think it's mockery and I don't think it has "degraded the art of poetry". I think it's at least in part an attempt to create something accessible and it should be treated as such. The second part of the introduction is the most important key to understanding, I think, in particular "revolutionizing metaphor, simile and allusion". I think that each of those devices are represented in this piece.
Simile, of course, is constant in this, so I'll choose just one example, ll.3-4. Isabelle, I think you missed a very important point that the phrasing was making. It's very clearly saying the narrator of the poem is NOT a person kept up, but just someone similar to one such. My read of this that it's phrased in such a way to show self-conciousness and emptiness, not in a despairing, depressed sort of way, but rather a lack of inherent personality.
Allusion is a little more subtle, but it's there from the beginning. While I might be going out a limb (a narcissistic one), I suspect that the reference to my Magus in the introduction is intended as an accessible allusion. Since everyone who reads this poem is on PC and (I think) a great deal of users are at least familiar with the title, it's a deliberately accessible allusion. The other main allusion, I think, is at the end, with the reference to "mother nature", also such a common idea/notion that conceivably everyone would be familiar with it.
Metaphor, I think is mostly contained in ll.12-16. The circular image of the marker and the circled eyes seems to be another reach at complete accessibility; it's a metaphor that's completely self-contained, it ends with the same image it began with.
To understand it, one doesn't have to be familiar with anything but a writing implement.
Overall, I think that's what this poem is: an attempt at universal accessibility without blatantly stating feelings one supposes everyone to have, as we see so often. The purpose of the similes in this, as mentioned above, is to create a lack of inherent personality or, to put it another way, individual perspective. Since the narrator is not a person, but rather just something like a person, they have no fixed idea/perspective/meaning and thus, the poem does not. It follows that since the poem deliberately has no fixed meaning, it can only have opinions/understandings of it through readers. That's a true attempt at openness, where the only true meaning is each readers.
— dandy
*flicks Dandy in the eye*
Inuki knows exactly what I mean. We've had a semi-detailed conversation regarding this. ^_^ This is horribly good. Horribly, horribly good. But still horrible. ^_^
There are many meanings to this, I bet there are Edenic references in this too, I would hardly be surprised.
I guess 'nuki got what it wanted, write tripe and get comments. ^_^
— wendz
*Bows to you all*
At last, something which the amalgamated comments of everyone has been able to achieve the answer to. ^.^
But do not forget, this answer comes easier than most others, since it is not my intended meaning that is as important here as your interpretations.. since this piece 'speaks out against Authoritiarian and Elitist' poetry, in a sense, or at least attempts to do something quite the opposite.
Special thank-yous to Wendz, Noodleman, and Dandy for the help and insightful commentary.
Thank you Noodleman for your insights and answers to this.
And thank you to Dandy for going above and beyond Isabelle and Wendz's interpretation and showing how this piece is not just an 'ironic' 'dishonest' or 'self-indulgent' piece!
*Smug look at Wendz*.. All that being said, the Edenic reference is in line 20, mentioned earlier in the all-important l5. Nature refering to the Tree of Knowledge, the "tombstones" or "grave" representing the mortality of man after leaving the Garden of Paradise. l18 implies that we are all mortal (the result of the eating of the apple). I could go into more detail, but I shan't.
— Inuki
-_- *kicks you*
[I love not having to type "-wendz" after my comments]
— wendz
Sacriligious. It leaves a bad taste in my mind.
— Cloudless
I like something about this whatever the arrogant-seeming, misunderstood prerogative. when one's arrogant, one gains t (ie gets teed and tees others at the wrong times pushing away what one really needs and wants). My immediate correction intuition suggested dropping last night. Instead of line 16 I would have "that resembled no such thing as life;", rather than the false 17 which sounds like pouting and doesn't fit the living expression, mother nature. Then 18-20 fits the great piece I feel you are close to. It caused me to contemplate that description, the grave expression.
— C
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