|Dancing Through The Dark
The dancers fly on glossy wings,
gliding in tempo to languid lingering rythms.
Dust hangs knee high, lining damp
drizzled walls. Neglected paper peels
to reveal craftsmens hidden calculations.
What is that half remembered tune?
Who are they, cocooned in a world
that neither hears nor sees?
Door bangs open, wind blows brown leaves
among dancing feet. A gilded mirror shatters,
scattering fireflys through a myriad mosaic pieces.
Darkness descends,light footsteps race far away.
15 Dec 04
Rated 10 (8) by 1 users.
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Umm, I wish I had something impressive to say. Style-wise, this is excellent. I really appreciate the internal rhyme, and subtle alliterations. My only suggestion for revision would concern word-choice, specifically "glossy" (line 1) and "gilded" (line 10). They just seem like toss-away adjectives, a little too common, like "starry" eyes or "silky" hair.
all style no substance. no offense. i think you know this.
Non taken, i think you know this is all class and no ass
Larry rear gunner Lark
Au contraire - I think the word choices - which have obviously been carefully weighed and balanced, give it substance - as do the 'craftsman's hidden calcluations' which suggests rather than states so much, a beautiful atmospheric piece of writing which achieves its effects through technical subtlety rather than ultimately hollow sensationalism which lasts for five seconds and is instantly forgettable.
I think i'd be a fool to take Dookie rather than Opal
Larry smart money Lark
nice. i knew this was your poem. contrary to popular belief that is a good thing, because it means you have a well-distinguished voice, effective trademarks, your signature; of course doesn't mean you are predictable.
This feels like it was written several lives ago