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Dancing Through The Dark
larrylark

The dancers fly on glossy wings,
 1
gliding in tempo to languid lingering rythms.
 2
Dust hangs knee high, lining damp
 3
drizzled walls. Neglected paper peels
 4
to reveal craftsmens hidden calculations.
 5
 
 
 
 
What is that half remembered tune?
 6
Who are they, cocooned in a world
 7
that neither hears nor sees?
 8
Door bangs open, wind blows brown leaves
 9
among dancing feet. A gilded mirror shatters,
 10
scattering fireflys through a myriad mosaic pieces.
 11
Darkness descends,light footsteps race far away.
 12

15 Dec 04

Rated 10 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (2): 6, 8

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Comments:

Umm, I wish I had something impressive to say.  Style-wise, this is excellent.  I really appreciate the internal rhyme, and subtle alliterations.  My only suggestion for revision would concern word-choice, specifically "glossy" (line 1) and "gilded" (line 10).  They just seem like toss-away adjectives, a little too common, like "starry" eyes or "silky" hair.
Thanks,
 — mikkirat

all style no substance. no offense. i think you know this.
 — dookie

Non taken, i think you know this is all class and no ass

Larry rear gunner Lark
 — unknown

Au contraire - I think the word choices - which have obviously been carefully weighed and balanced, give it substance - as do the 'craftsman's hidden calcluations' which suggests rather than states so much, a beautiful atmospheric piece of writing which achieves its effects through technical subtlety rather than ultimately hollow sensationalism which lasts for five seconds and is instantly forgettable.
 — opal

I think i'd be a fool to take Dookie rather than Opal

Larry smart money Lark
 — unknown

pretty.
 — ducktape

nice. i knew this was your poem. contrary to popular belief that is a good thing, because it means you have a well-distinguished voice, effective trademarks, your signature; of course doesn't mean you are predictable.
 — listen

This feels like it was written several lives ago

Thanks listen
 — larrylark

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