| valse du roi d'épouvantail
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Inuki
| - for the boy clapping
| in the house the old phonograph | 1 |
starts up | 2 |
a dated French waltz plays | 3 |
crinkled only by memory; | 4 |
the warm orange record | 5 |
casting a splendid light upon the room | 6 |
in ochre reflection of flickering candle | 7 |
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outside the rain drips inconsistently | 8 |
like a thousand syllables, | 9 |
the boy claps erratically | 10 |
to a tune only he can hear: | 11 |
the slapping sounds | 12 |
of his hands | 13 |
echoing off into the desolate streets | 14 |
giving them an unearthy power | 15 |
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and all at once he is gone, | 16 |
the wind picks up | 17 |
to an audible moan | 18 |
and the rain pounds the pavement | 19 |
a thing possessed | 20 |
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the old phonograph repeats | 21 |
stuck on a spot of the record. | 22 |
there is no one to right it. | 23 |
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the candle blows out. | 24 |
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16 Dec 04 |
Rated 7.4 (7.3) by 9 users.
Active (9): 1, 1, 8, 8, 9, 9
Inactive (11): 2, 4, 5, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(184 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
ooh nice.
7 has a slightly uncomfortable sentence construction though. not that it doesn't work but it reveals many alternatives. i'd say it is not a populistly constructed line. that'll have something do with alternative maybees. reflections needing to be plural, or 'the' needing to be 'a' or the 'in' bein an 'an' and there needing to have a semi-colon before it. suggestions to twist seperately or together. the current twist could be twisted more i believe. yet for all that blah, it is actually fine the way it is. should you prefer it.
round 8 and 9 i think you could have some more movement in the sillybabbles.
they could be falling. following through from the previous image. or summat.
14 had you considered trying echoing. still a movement flow thing.
16 it's a well known fact that i'm a fan of starting sentences with an and. i think it's a wonderfully flowy device in poetry. but some people like to walk on their hands.
15 do you mean unearthly? the unearthy seems a little out of place. unearthly is a little vague visually too but ok. the visual links aren't as strong as they could be maybe.
20 as though it is a thing possessed - not liking that analogy at all. it's not really crispy enough, less musical. less movemented than alternatives could possibly be. otherwise the it is, isn't strictly needed.
the phonograph is loveful. i love words with dust on em.
22 the sentance construction could be improved, the scene is described as easily as it could be. the content however is perfect.
ps. v great title. utterly clickable.
you gotta lotta heart in this. other comments. maybe the solitary boy isn't drawn enough. i see the clapping child as a central image. some very very light touches to do with placement and scenery might help. that's a suggestion to add to what is already written, not just to improve on what is already there.
kaleidazcope
— unknown
just a few comments (aside from 'well done')
i question crinkled as being accurate and effective in line 4
i think 7 is beautifully written; i'd remove 'the' though.
i wonder if 'as if' is extraneous in 11
a modifier for hands seems to be wanting in 13. to me. i want to know more.
i agree with k on 15.
16 might be broken differently. 'gone' could have more power and poignancy that it currently has.
20 'as though' same as 11. might be more powerful without the caveat.
22 change comma to period.
23 remove 'but'. Stronger. But is implied.
just how my brain sees it, inuki.
-noodleman
— unknown
Very strong and beautifully written. Great atmosphere created and use of weather related imagery excellent
— larrylark
i'm fine with 'crinkled', stays in the memory
— unknown
Wow! Kal and Noodleman! I can't thank you guys enough for the wonderful crits.. They're absolutely lovely and clearly pain-stakingly crafted. ^_^
l7 - I took the "the" out by noodleman's suggestion, but I'm still contemplating all of Kal's suggestions, so it might take a while to see what I will do with it.
l8-l9 - I'll see what I can do with the falling syllables.. might take some thinking though.
l14 - changed, by kal's suggestion
l15 - no. i mean "unearthy" (perhaps I have created a word. artistic license?) 'earthly' usually means "Terrestrial; not heavenly or divine" I was going more for "not earthy", earthy meaning: "Of, consisting of, or resembling earth" OR "Of or characteristic of this world;"
l16 - put an "and" in. - i'll think over the "gone"
l20 - I took out the "as though" via noodleman's suggestion, but I'm not sure what to change it to, since it's weaker than it could be, according to kal. ^^
l22 - I'll mull over sentence construction... not changing it till I think of a good way to do something with it yet though. I did change the comma to a period though.
l23 - "but" removed.
Again, thanks you guys for the wonderful suggestions. ^_^ You've really made my day with all your helpful insight and comments! This is still really rough so I'm glad you were both able to catch so much stuff. ^^
— Inuki
By the way, should l7's "candle" be "candlelight" possibly, now that I've removed the "the"?
— Inuki
l11 - removed the "as if", you're right noodleman. At first I thought it made the piece sound more wistful, but rereading it, I agree that it weakens the line. ^.^
— Inuki
This really strikes me as a child of autism listening to his own inner music. Or the ghost of a boy from a long time ago, stuck in the parlor.
— Isabelle5
Now see, Inuki? This is the poetry that I'm used to seeing from you. Always very good.
— Isabelle5
it is
good
and it was
good
just betterful now
as kaleidazscope would put it.
— noodleman
An Unearthy Child
aka. "This Won't Last More Than Thirteen Weeks" and
"Cavemen Appearing in that Kids' Program"
---------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------
Episodes 4
Story No# 1
Season 1
Dates 1963
With "Billy Bob" Hardball, Enos Russell, Juniper Hill, Carole Ford-Prefect.
Written by Anthony Cockburn (and T.E. Lawrence, Jr.).
Script-edited by David Cringingkerr. Directed by Omar Sharrif.
Associate Producer: Mervyn Pinhead. Produced by Veracity Lambeth.
The Plot: Two schoolteachers, Liam and Barbarella, track one of the worst smelling students they've ever encountered, Suzanne, to her home, only to find out she lives in a junkyard. She also happens to be the relative of an even smellier time traveler named Doctor Queue, who kidnaps them for 52 episodes with an option of keeping them another 52 more.
Behind the Scenes: Brainchild of Newman Sydney, a recently arrived refugee from India and head of the ABBC janitorial staff, "Doctor Queue" was meant to be educational as well as entertaining. Liam and Barbarella, a gymnastics and English teacher respectively, were meant to demonstrate proper exercise techniques and grammar usage as they visited alien worlds. The enigmatic hero, Doctor Queue, was meant to mumble and wander around the studio a lot until the episode ended. Unfortunately, the lead actor, "Billy Bob" Hardball, always managed to improvise some sort of business to win the day by the final episode. Suzanne's job was to scream and complain about the studio being too hot. "An Unearthy Child" was set in modern London as well as the prehistoric past, which explains why none of the cave-people noticed Suzanne's or the Doctor's stench.
Classic Moment:
LIAM: "If you want to get rid of the smell, just open the doors, Doctor Queue!"
DOCTOR: "Eh? Doctor Queue? Who's he talking about?"
BARBARELLA: "You! That's your name isn't it?"
DOCTOR: "Who?"
LIAM: "You!"
DOCTOR: "Doctor who?"
LIAM: "No, Doctor Queue!"
DOCTOR: "That's not my name!"
LIAM: "Yes it is!"
BARBARELLA: "It says so right here!"
DOCTOR: "Where?"
BARBARELLA: "The script!"
DOCTOR: "[Expletive deleted], is that my name?! Just call me 'Doctor'. We'll never get through 52 weeks with a name like that!"
Classic Goof: The polystyrene set catches on fire in episode two, but the director refuses to halt the action until the scene is complete. He is eventually beaten into submission by "Billy Bob" Hardball's walking stick just before the credits roll.
— noodleman
wow inuki! You're awesome....
This reads like the intro to the most devastating book never written
— silly
'a dated French waltz' - why do you have to tell us it's dated and it's French ?- I find that somewhat jarring and then that coloured my view of the rest.
— opal
Why NOT tell us it's dated and french?
— Dead
Again, thank-you every for all the attention this piece has gotten.
Well opal, l3 is actually an allusion to something, that's why I was required to put "dated" and "French".
I really don't see how it was "jarring". I think you'd better explain that in more detail so I may understand?
Thanks for the defense, Death. ^.~
— Inuki
"I was trying to visualise a phonograph playing, most unusual.
They are normally used for recording"
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q= phonograph - "machine in which rotating records cause a stylus to vibrate and the vibrations are amplified acoustically or electronically"
It says nothing in the definition of being used for recording. I also visited various phonograph sites, none of which said anything about recording.
Also if you look up the definition of "gramophone" the dictionary claims it is synonymous with "a phonograph"
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q= gramophone
l3 - well, it is an allusion, but if you can't catch it I'm not so sure why you mentioned that it seemed to be irrelevant. There's already been a brief discussion of that here.
the word "the" is a word of the spoken English language. to repeatedly remove it would be to deny the flow of the language I am writing in. that would be absurd. I'm not sure why you claim that I must be a "lover" of the word "the". I found it rather absurd and offensive.
l6-7 - the key word is "reflection". the light upon the room is from the reflection of the candlelight on the record, which splays across the entire room. to interchange it, as you suggested, would mean that the candle's light is just going all over the room, which would render many of the words in those lines pointless, and destroy important symbolic imagery. I don't think you understood these lines.
L16 - "and" gives finality.
L22 - yes, I do know there are problems with l22, I'm trying to think of a more eloquent way to rework it currently.
I'm not sure what you mean by "school boyish.". It would help if you actually clarified things, rather than assuming people understood the terms and things you throw out in your comments. When you say things like "l3 could be fixed" you should explain why it should be fixed, point out the exact problems and quote the poem to show where the problems lie, and then explain in detail a few ways how it could be fixed. Otherwise you will leave your reader grasping at straws.
Thank-you for taking the time to comment on this piece nonetheless.
— Inuki
it seem to lack purpose could someone please
clarify it to me... its pretty though they say
presentation of a foodis as important as its taste
i am however still courios as to this poems meaning
— unknown
it seem to lack purpose
could someone please
clarify it to me... its pretty
though they say
presentation of a food
is as important as its taste
i am however still courios
as to this poems meaning
— unknown
Really strong images, Love L8-15, how you've given us an idea of whats happening through the weather and the scene.....really good
— unknown
Hi Inuki
Well that is quite an outburst; I reiterate you are talking technical rubbish.
You use childish language on subjects you apparently have no knowledge
Try to research your subject matter in more detail.
You talk like a schoolchild, you act schoolchild.
I am a master artisan, you are an idiot.
I qualify that remark!
I have lectured at colleges and universities on such musical subjects.
With audiences of more intellectual aspirations than you are ever likely to attain.
How would you suggest such a recording is made on if not such a device?
Even when I point out your mistake your petulant nature over rides commonsense.
Why should you claim that I suggest the over use of an adjective as offensive, it merely shows a total lack of imagination on your part.
Despite your high opinion of your self, your language is juvenile in the extreme.
Your reference to splayed again shows your lack of understanding of English like splay mouth, splay footed shows a clumsy application of your English.
Explain how light can splay, except to display clumsily. Unless it considered an architectural device, even the inclusion of horses being shod does little to enlighten us
Your childish retorts in addition, is to all intensive purposes an aphetic display of your ignorance, do not insult our language with your pathetic postulations.
Just as a matter of reference, old Phonograph is an irreverence their period of manufacture was relatively short, and well documented, therefore old is irrelevant.
Morchuis
— unknown
Glad you posted this one, Inuki.
What I didn't like: splendid and desolate. Too dramatic. Those words are way too dramatic in such a peaceful-like setting. Please change them. They niggled at me in my first reading, and they still niggle me now. ^_^
Mmm..I don't like the title either. *grins*
I like this. A lot. I love how the candle blows out. Very, very nice work with this one.
— wendz
the only comment I have is this: for lines 8 & 9 my SUGGESTION would be to say (so as to help it flow better)
like a thousand syllables,
the rain [outside] drips inconsistently,
[inside] the boy claps erratically
to a tune only he can hear:
also: What has an "unearthy power" the desolate streets, the echo of the boy's hands, or the boy's hands?
Otherwise, it is an interesting poem that envokes sepia toned memories, however, in the end I'm curious as to the point. I don't mean to imply that this is a bad poem, but the poem implies that there is some kind of statment being made, as if there is a n unfulfilled purpose in relation to the record and what it represents and its interaction with the listener... if there even is one as it would almost appear to hauntingly be playing autonomously. If it is just a poetic sketch then it is quite good, yet, I'm left just a little confused. I will read it again to make sure I'm not missing something.
— SirBoggy
I like this poem - a beautiful silence in the images. It is something like looking at a painting. I don't mean that the poem is quiet, but that the images, even the sounds, have a meditative quality liek listening to the rain pour, or watching a candle burn.
I love the image of the rain like a thousand syllables.
— SteveD
i like this, the only line i don't like is line 11. i would take it out, but thats just a suggestion. still, very nice, nice imagery.
— adiscodancer
eerie. I enjoyed everything except the unearthy description. why are so many things of wonder and mystery ascribed to be unearthy just because they aren't a part of conscious human experience majority-wise... or is this really something extraterrestrial and/or from a nonEarth plane/power you describe? great setting of the mood. Empty then but potential. C
— unknown
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