poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the egg on my face
gnormal

it was simple
 1
it was my idea.
 2
i was fresh
 3
i was a fresh-
 4
man, and
 5
it was simple.
 6
we handcuffed her
 7
handcuffed her hands
 8
behind her back,
 9
her hands behind
 10
her behind,
 11
locked them both in the bathroom,
 12
and told them they couldnt come out
 13
until they slid her panties under the door.
 14
they couldnt come
 15
out they slid
 16
her panties.
 17
that was my idea.
 18
 
 
the next year
 19
i studied first person.
 20
me in this theatre
 21
i rub her, lose her
 22
i lost a condom,
 23
a loser,
 24
in this theatre major
 25
and didnt tell her.
 26
it was funny as
 27
it was funny
 28
hell at the time.
 29
 
 
one more
 30
one morning-
 31
i woke up with red
 32
woke up with a redhead
 33
silently alarmed,
 34
unarmed her and slid
 35
i slid out of her
 36
slid out of her room
 37
out and without
 38
without waking her
 39
without waking her bed
 40
and ran all the way
 41
to schmidt hall
 42
pleased that i had made it
 43
i made it in
 44
made it in time.
 45
time for my examination.
 46
 
 
after lunch in thompson commons
 47
i used the quiet basement
 48
toilet, downstairs
 49
relieved and wondered
 50
relieved.  and wondered why
 51
no one had sat at my table.
 52
no one sat down.
 53
 
 
not until i washed,
 54
in my stink,
 55
my hands in the sink,
 56
not until i peered
 57
up at the mirror,
 58
the water draining,
 59
and saw the red dye
 60
the dark red staining
 61
did i think and feel
 62
so dried and thin
 63
quiet and pale i felt and rinsed
 64
and rinsed and felt my cheek and chin.
 65
 
 
did i stop to think
 66
about a girl
 67
her hair, her head, her red,
 68
and the egg on my face.
 69

three things that never happened to me in college.

11 Jan 03

Rated 8.8 (7.5) by 11 users.
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(181 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Hm. The footnote is great. I don't know about this one, I think I need to give it some time and re-read. But you've got me thinking, that's great.
 — allie

I agree, it's one that makes you think. Highly interesting, this. Good job.
 — Moose

This is good, but it is so gross. Well written though
 — heatherS

Great poem. Sure anyone can relate to it in one way or another. Vivid.
 — mondos

semaj?
 — unknown

if someone went and posted anonymously, it's sort of rude to ask.

although, i wondered that a moment too.
 — jade

no- it's me, the author. i just wondered what samej thought.
 — gnormal

I dont know, this might be a little much for me to say i like it.
I
 — wolfie

well it's ironic, I can say that.
and I don't usually mind rather risky poetry (i.e. sharon olds)

but somehow, yes, this was a bit much for me.
 — Ananke

--- rewritten here ---
 — gnormal

that is amazing.
god-fucking-amazing.
wow. the repetition really really reallly makes this thing just so cerebral, in a way, which I think is great, because it just says something about the character... I can't even really go on because I don't know what to write. wow.


 — semaj

and i want to say the antithesis of everything semaj just said.

maybe not the exact antithesis, but i definately liked the other version better. the repetition functions like nadsat in clockwork orange, but i think you need more faith than to have to cushion your readers from the blow. the blow is why it's so great, the point is there by mere shock value. i loved the first version of this. the second version seems like it's got too much fluff, just padded for the sake of it... i don't think it adds enough to it at all for what it takes away.
 — jade

although i do like the first two lines how they are. it's a nice intro.
 — jade

hm, I never saw the first version...
 — semaj

Fucking gorgeous. I love the repetition.
 — bellis

The repeated phrases and words make this one creepy, but in a good way. I loved reading this one. Definitely one of my favorites.
 — 8Gj00

Ah, the egg on your face. Gross, indeed, but so so so amazingly written. I mean, I'm talking perfect here. Favorite ever. Amazing, the repetition, the double meanings, amazing, the poem, amazing. I never read the original (I wish I had) but this is just rigoddamndiculously good.
 — unknown

gnorm! I should have known it was you, something this good on the site. As much as I love Pour & Mourn, this beats it out a thousand times over. Truly, as I said, one of my all time favorite poems. It would be number 1 if it wasn't so gross -- I think the grossness, to me, is more about an egg salad type of thing (hate the stuff, the image makes me want to puke in a picnic basket) than the egg that the speaker finds in the mirror. Maybe if it wasn't in the title it would be better. But I wouldn't change a thing about the poem. Nor the footnote. The footnote is as good as the poem.
 — unknown

the grossness is why the poem matters. although egg salad is pretty disgusting.

perhaps repost the first so we can compare it?
 — jade

honestly i rewrote it only to cushion the vulgarity
and at first felt cheap
having to spell out all the meanings.
but then it got fun.
and in the end, i thought the rep
added a layer
i liked.

this was the first version:

i was a fresh-
man, and
it was simple.
we handcuffed her
hands behind her back,
locked them both in the bathroom,
and told them they couldnt come out
until they slid her panties
under the door.
that was my idea.

the next year
i studied first person.
i lost a condom
in this theatre major
and didnt tell her.
it was funny as
hell at the time.

another morning
i woke up with a redhead,
silently alarmed,
unarmed her and slid out
of her room
without waking her
and ran all the way
to schmidt hall
pleased that i had made it in
time for my examination.

after lunch in thompson commons
i used the quiet basement toilet,
relieved. and wondered why
no one sat at my table.

not until i washed,
my hands in that sink,
looked up in the mirror,
the water running,
and i saw the dried blood
smeared around my mouth

did i think about the red-
head,
and the egg on my face.
 — gnormal

thanks. i know why you did it, i just don't think it was neccesary. oh well, i'll stop driving the bandwagon around as i'm wasting gas for only me.
 — jade

oh, I think this is much better now. I really like the repetition in the piece; it, for me, is what makes this piece into such a fabulous work.
 — semaj

yeah. the repetition makes the piece, I think. the first version is good, but the current version is godlike
 — unknown

I agree that the repetition really enhances the poem - it makes for a completely disturbing experience. You continue to impress me.
 — unknown

I didn't like this one
 — unknown

Thought this was stupid.
 — unknown

The first one was really good too, because it still got the story across. But then the second one has those repetitions and that makes it so much stronger and so much more... hmmm, I dont really know the word, but it makes it stick. I said it before, but I might as well say it again.. this one is awesome and I love it.
 — 8Gj00

wow, very interesting. I like this alot just because it sorta reminds me of an old Smashing Pumpkin's song where Billy repeats a couple of lines several times in the course of the song and continues on with the message. This is a really neat laid back style. Great job!
 — Reformer

I think the repitition turns disgusting into disgusting art.
 — Lossandra

sometimes the disgusting IS art...
 — mousestmod

i liked the before better. the repitition just seems odd to me.
 — abby

repetition always has a negative connotation to me, I don't know why. Personally I don't find this repetitious, or disgusting. I thought there was a lot of reiteration, but thats how people talk. It's interesting. It's good stuff.
 — onklcrispy

very amusing. fun read
and the repetition isn't annoying (not like others)
good one :)
 — ari

Very enjoyable
 — unknown

I quite like this poem. The repartitions make it a different poem from the rest. I like the ending, good job.
 — unknown

This is great. Repetition gets almost too frequent near the end...but by far the best use of "egg on my face" to mean completely the opposite of its cliche.
 — flyfire

an entertaining read. i think the second version is better than the first; i really like the way repetition removes a level of objectivity. its as creative as anything i've ever read.
 — root

i like eggs on my face too i ll give this a 7
 — unknown

really liked it. different from things i've read before.
 — Brandxxx

Do not like this poem at all. It uses gratuitous imagery to achieve exactly what effect?
 — unknown

I don't know what it is but this one just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe there is something about it that I don't see, but I've read it daily for a week and still don't like it. 54-56 flow well though. I donno. Maybe a few more reads.
 — tha_mink

Hmm... mysterious and good. What college?
 — aforbing

hell yes. effective use of repetition. i think line 38 assumes we are morons and not getting what it heavily implied throughout quite successfully. i also think the very last line explains too much also....i like it better ending on 63 personally. I like this poem a lot.
 — clodclod

This is a good one!
 — boolove69

It's not really that great. No kids would apprciate it.
_unknown

 — unknown

Actually, I think Boolove is a kid.... This really is friggin great. I'm agreeing with semaj about it. The repetition adds so much. I admit I stumbled over some of it, but that was a great part of the effect. Though the rhythm and rhyme are great, this would be better read then listened to. Also, it took me a while to get the title, but I had a long and hearty laugh when I did. Great poem.
z
 — zepplin42

it/s crazy please get help before u hurt someone

noone

 — unknown

the repetition is an important part of this poem and serves it well. this is bloody awesome good.
 — space

nice job, most people don't have define style like your own, you own this poem absolutely.
 — leelou

I dunno, I think the footnote kinda ruins it for me. If you can write that a poem this eloquent and organized, it's not necessary to point out that you're not really a sociopath, or at least not the sociopath who wrote the poem. I say nix the footnote and own it, mon frere.
 — dweasel

I think that footnote meaning is that he is denying to himself that he really was like that kind of guy too like he deosnt want to remember it. You know what I mean?
 — unknown

I took the footnote satirically.
 — zepplin42

i figured he just didn't want us to think he was that kind of prick.
 — jade

Yeah. Just a sort of nice aside. I like it there.
 — unknown

I think your very sick man damn what were you thinking to eat her in the dark it will make you think twice don't you think so sir. peaches

 — unknown

that is crazy and stupid and SCARY!!!!!!!!!!! you must be really messed up in the head to write that!! asshole
 — unknown

This is just fucked up
 — unknown

uh huh and then what heppened? yah sure it was great! not
 — unknown

The first version wasn't bad, but the repetition in the lines really makes it stand out.

wonderful work.
 — unknown

lines 30-46 is wherer the repetition really gets interesting. because that's wherer it goes from being repetition of things that have already been said to a repetition that means something different. i love that in a poem. the rest of it the repetition makes it seem like the speaker is crying, or very confused, just saying things out in little fragments as they po into his head. it's good though. nice work.
 — AEOS

thats fuckn sick
 — unknown

It took me a while to get hold of the repetition but once I had it worked out I loved it. Very very dark. Why egg? Did I miss something? I don't quite get the ending (perhaps an american thing? or am I just saying that so I look less stupid...)
XxXx
 — Minx

when you have egg on your face, you've just done something terrible.
to "cite" a movie--after Christopher Walken shoots Dennis Hopper's character in the head ("True Romance"), he turns his back, takes out his hankie and says he's going to wipe the egg off his face. It's meant to mean not LITERAL egg, but the metaphorical wiping off of a sin or transgression. Hope this helps
 — aforbing

wonderfully thank you, and I notice you're using your new word cite...
Well I like the poem even more now, how exciting, it got even better....
XxXx
 — Minx

Wow, I really enjoyed this. The fact that it was disgusting is what grabbed a hold of me...I started to read it, and I got sucked in...

not until i washed, 54
in my stink, 55
my hands in the sink, 56
not until i looked 57
up at the mirror, 58
the water draining, 59
and i saw the dried blood 60
smeared all around my mouth 61

that part made my mouth drop...I let out this big "ugh!"

Very well written, I loved the repetition!
 — Adrielle

very stupid poem it is really messed up

 — unknown

Brilliant :)
 — unknown

Wordplay for the masses and masses of wordplay. A neat and brilliant trick.
 — unknown

that was really good :)
 — catcher

Loved the repetition. Good Job.
 — Diego

this is a thought provoking peom
 — unknown

and those are...
 — unknown

I loved it. Especially the last three lines. It was very scary, and very thought provoking.
 — arienette

Hmmmm! Im just not sure
 — unknown

The line breaks were a wonderful contribution.  Your ending comment made me smile.  The nervousness and uneasiness of the writer was very clear.  Its the adrenilen-sp? talking that makes my blood move as you touched her, eerily like I have been there before but ....with a man.
        Your,
           Sarah Rose
 — stes0007

umm this poem is gay, keep it in your pants
 — unknown

"umm this poem is gay, keep it in your pants"
love the way you hide as unknown
I mean it doesn't make me respect your comment any less
oh no
of course not...
XxXx
 — Minx

i love the way its written, with the repetition of words or sounds and contrasting the meanings.   it made it more interesting and created an anticipation of what the next words would be.  
 — unknown

I have just read both versions, and I think this second one is better than the first. I love the repetition of words and phrases, it reminds me a lot of caryl churchill's writing. (I know she's a playwright, but if you have ever read any of her later work, you'll know what I mean)...
 — thesilencing

maybe you need to have been to an american college to appreciate this - but i'm european
 — mandrakeman

That's funny cos I'm english and I loved it
absolutely
maybe you are just not reading it right...
XxXx
 — Minx

Eerie
 — silolater

you know I've been thinking about this poem and there are something things that annoy me. Mostly the repetition works very well and it hilarious and haunting at the same time but a few times - for me - they didn't. I may have just missed a point or not understood...

"it was funny as  27
it was funny  28
hell at the time. "

"out of heroomb  38
without waking her  39
without waking her bed "

"relieved and wondered  50
relieved.  and wondered why  51
no one had sat at my table.  52
no one sat down. "

and I still don't like the egg on the face (I know it's a saying that I don't know but the egg bit throws me, though I guess if it's a saying you don't really think about the egg..)
anyway just wanted some feedback on those bits
XxXx
 — Minx

really creepy but i like it
 — roseypink

I really liked this
 — silolater

lol.
 — Kiss

absolutley abulose ....... a lil bit of studdering but other then that i would give that a 10 or in school cases an A+, i am a journalist for a california newspaper and i think this is great , keep up your hard effort and good work , thank you for shareing your delightful poem with us , bye !!
 — unknown

If a poem has to shock me to get me to comment on it, it's not really worth a comment.
 — ChrisTaylor

I HATE THIS TITLE! you need to change it! OMG
 — unknown

Nice. I enjoyed the repetition and the different meanings in the lines.
 — honestcrime

Why do so many people hate the title and expression "the egg on my face"? It has a double meaning; the metaphorical egg on his face, and the literal egg on his face, ie. the egg from the girl whose blood he had on his face. Think about it. It might be unpleasant, but it is clever and original.
 — thesilencing

CHANGE THE TITTLE!!!
 — unknown

I think this poem is ok.It needs some work because it can confuse the reader.
 — unknown

change the tittle.  that's good.
 — gnormal

He he, gnormal. I love your scathing comments. Don't listen to anyone. Don;t change the title, or anything in the poem. It is amazing.
 — thesilencing

The poem is interesting, not like anything i've read before. I am not sure whether I like it or not though.
 — unknown

truly inpspring reflection. make me think
 — natho_nt

just a touch juvenile for my taste
 — wanderlust

marta, even a comment such as "CHANGE THE TITTLE!!!" is more useful than "dreadful. sorry."  i dont know who you are, so i cannot be offended that you dont like it. no reason to be sorry.  but i wish you might say what it is about it that you find dreadful, or poorly done.  was there anything about it you liked?  i dont like horror films.  i think theyre dreadful.  i never watch them.  is it just that you dont like this kind of poem?  i wrote another called My Lil Froggy.  try that one if you have a moment.
 — gnormal

It was sad to see this one dwindle down and out of the charts. Good to see it climbing back again! Yay for gnormal and the egg on his face!
 — thesilencing

this poem is growing on me
 — davidm

nice long poem
 — normalgirl90

:) when i saw the title, i knew i was going to like it :-D
 — picklypickle

I don't really kno what to day about this one.... I like it, but then again... I don't. I don't really get some of it though. You confuse the words. You mix them up an dI can't really understand what is going on.
 — unknown

it uh sucks, your life is boring, please dont share
 — unknown

This is so bad! I hate the tittle! I hate the poem.. sorry
 — Want2BLoved

i like it better than the first time i read it.

it's fresh. interesting. creative. and the style of it- the repitition and all- adds a fantastic twist that definitely grows on you.

nice job.
 — crimsontears

YOU SEX MONGREL!  Haha, I love it.  I don't care what they say about the word condom!
 — blackmascara

this is good right..but so frickin gross.
 — wendz

this is 2 long and it sucked
 — unknown

very interesting...
 — lyrae31

Oh Man! This is so good I don't know where to begin.
I think all this poem needs is hands, mine applauding.
Your egg is an omelet, with every delicious topping there is.
Exceptional writing.
 — Ayedorite

im sorry to ruin your day but i thik its sick.
 — unknown

today i am in the city of iloilo in the beautiful western viscayas.  i had little dried fish, garlic rice, and a duck egg for breakfast.  i only asked for one egg, but the guy cooked me two.  "for allowance" he said.  my laundry will be clean in 2 hours.  in 3, i will fly north in a window seat.  i will likely see volcanoes.  i am happy as the clams i ate last night in a bamboo structure by the side of the clean river.  
you have not ruined my day.
 — gnormal

What sort of voyage calls our poet-warrior to the Philipines Isles? Humanitarian abuses? New species of mammals? Hm? (email me, dude)
-zep
 — unknown

i love the double meaning of 'egg on my face' and all of the repitition. i read this when i came upon the site for the first time by accident, and i loved it then.

i wasn't sure who had written it, and i've been looking for it ever since.
i gave it another read or two, and it's still just as good as it was the first time.

the repitition makes this one even more amazing. it adds SO much.
i give it a ten, and it's on my list of favourites, definitely.
 — shakeit

Sometimes just one word can ruin a poem. In this case, the attempt at "heroomb", it does not work for me. That word reads 'pretentious' to me.
 — Anarch

you are absolutely right.  spoken like my true conscious.  i operated.
 — gnormal

got me thinking
 — dcampbell

Endless Journey
Weary myJourney is
a burning cry from within my soul
smoldering in these ashes
carrying me beneath its darkness
where shadows heed in stillness
beyond this realm of pain
bond by life bound in death
lift me up before thine rein
neverending night harken unto my cry
lay me now to rest from this endless
Journey.
Copyright ©2004 Teardrop De Rose
 — unknown

lol, the footnote was gorgeous!!  i like the way the lines are written, it gives it a pattern.
 — sassybnyss

always amazing. this is the poem that got me hooked into this website.

thanks for that.
 — AEOS

i dont get it
 — unknown

Sounds man slut-ish...but it's still very well written :)
 — Rwg-impaired

this is good
it reminds me of Catcher in the Rye somehow
and that was a really good book
 — mints

Okay, I know I might sound stupid for asking this, as it seems I'm one of the few ppl that don't get this, but what exactly does it mean? I love how it reads and all, but I just don't get it. What's the egg on the face mean? Where did the blood come from? I'm confused.
 — unknown

when you have egg on your face, you've just done something terrible.
to "cite" a movie--after Christopher Walken shoots Dennis Hopper's character in the head ("True Romance"), he turns his back, takes out his hankie and says he's going to wipe the egg off his face. It's meant to mean not LITERAL egg, but the metaphorical wiping off of a sin or transgression. Hope this helps
 — ersaph

oo really lol.... no this was very interesting i wish i could write like this
 — unknown

heh heh, Thats crazy man
 — JKukla

^_^
Still makes me laugh.
 — unknown

this has been posted before, is this just a second attempt at glory?
 — unknown

The original isn't nearly as powerful, nor does it provoke a quarter the thought as the one posted now.  The repetition and style are what make this a work of literary art.  Very descriptive, but in this manor, it isn't offensive.  Definitely worth the rewrite.  Nice work.
 — SqueakyAmore

Man this is good...another one to dissect...

Thanks for a great job.  Made me think of college and the things that did happen.
 — dionnefields

.
 — unknown

oh my fuck.
this is the most beautiful piece of sick ugly genius i've read.
the repetition is perfect, and i am

ljsafalkf;sdjjl;ajs;ajs!
 — ileviyou

omg, so dense at first i didn't get it, but then i thought i had it but then thought, no that can't be what he's talking about.... but then i read other ppl's comments and yah, i was rite the first time. haha its sick and funny and wonderful
 — maytimestwo

Definetly keep the repetition. Brilliant! That doesn't mean the poem can't use some fine tuning. Work with stanza two some more. I don't see the purpose of repeating "it was funny" but maybe I'm missing something. I would arrange it something like:

the next year
i studied first person.
i lost a condom
in this theatre
me in this theatre major
major loser
i rub her, looser
lose her
and didnt tell her.
it was funny as
hell at the time
it was funny

something like that...just a suggestion
every other stanza worked perfectly
 — Tabletopjoe

the repetition is amazing. you've heard this a lot, but it is seriously. amazing. this poem is beautiful. i didnt realize it upon 1st reading, but everything fits. the egg on my face... beautiful. thank you for writing this.
 — summerzwow

At least it's not "The Sperm on My Face"
 — noneisreal

did not like
 — unknown

omg, this is the greatest poem ever!! lol dont change nething!
 — Lillythepoo

I like it- kinda felt like you were stuttering but like both lines were always needed to say.. semi-different things...  um yeah- anyways, i liked it.
 — Cloudless

Fantastic.
 — unknown

?????? Are you telling me you raped a virgin? because it is messed up, I don't understand this. Whatever bye!
 — unknown

Just kindof gross. Not very sophisticated or interesting.
 — eajohnson1

this is one of the best works on the site. i love it, and love the repetitions. in fact, if it only had the proper asterisks, i'd go ahead and put it on my favourites. i guess i'm one of those grammar nazis...
 — aerol

what are proper asterisks?
six, or 8-pointed?
 — gnormal

a tricky question.
 — aerol

most computer fonts have six-pointed asterisks. they look pretty good, however, how could one be sure which is the proper one. a good question.
i meant apostrophes.
 — aerol

dictionary.com isn't very enlightening, simply defining it as a star shaped figure or character.
 — aerol

i really like the way this is written, but i dunno if i like the idea of it.... it kinda makes me sick.
 — unknown

you losr you dont write about that
 — unknown

I DO NOT WANT TOO LONG
 — unknown

nice job.
 — prettyinblak

Im sorry Im stupid.  The blood??  Whats that about??
 — MFine

Ah, please dont mock me.  I was very dazed last night.
 — MFine

hmmmmmmmmmm, ok.  well that's what I call going with the flow!
 — themolly

Is this to mean you went down on her when she was menstruating? Did you not realize it or was it her first time or something (when it never happened)? This is kind of interesting how you make a baffled tone. I don't appreciate it much as a poem but as a story, it brings some contemplation. That's awful putting yourself out to be such a bad guy in the first stanza and then taking it back. Also combining it with a more positive sexual experience and goof up- I don't get the twistedness of that. There are people who have been forced playfully but criminally like your first stanza and it doesn't belong together with the rest as a made up thing. It seems ill and a little twisted. (C)
 — unknown

yuck. i think i know you. good writing, but kinda icky.
 — sweetascandy

i love it. sort of makes me want to want to vomit. i won't, but i sort of want to. great stuff.
 — sedena

Its great to be possessed of a really healthy imagination. Well done my son
 — larrylark

Once wrote a long critique of this and deleted it by mistake. Came up on random today.
It is really under-rated.

I still love it though. Original, clever, publishable. I think the repetition works so well.
This is just great .
 — unknown

Logged in to rate.
 — smugzy

Are you craving sex? I have no clue what was happening in some parts, and whats with the egg? Get a different style of writing poems, or dont write at all.
 — unknown

Don't you see what happened?  He went down on a girl and forgot to wash up after!
 — unknown

Brilliant, this. (10)
 — junky

You lost me at the title.
 — marchhare

this is so good.
ahh.
 — midare

Good, I'd give it an eight.
 — unknown

great!!!! FANTASTIC!!!
 — unknown

i love this
 — bloodytearsx

so much ice cream in this poem,
i realy like ice cream.
 — crepaway

so much ice cream in this poem,
i really like ice cream.
 — crepaway

if you go down on a girl while she's on her period (or otherwise ingest that sort of blood) you will NEVER be able to fully love or want another.

for shame.
 — unknown

I think this is a wonderfully witty and ironic piece, with versatility that gives it different meaning, depending on the reader. Even though to some of you, the subject may not be most pleasant, you can't deny how well-written this is. Stop being immature and leaving worthless comments about how you hate this poem and how the author is sick, and please for the life of you and your children and your children's children, learn how to type properly. The "tittle" is just fine. Maybe you can leave some constructive criticisms and at least state a reason for disliking it. I L O V E IT.
 — unknown

Haha, I thought it was great. The last stanza is awesome. Good job.
 — kaze

That was the best repitition I've ever heard... It actually worked... brings alot of character. Also an amazingly vivid and daring write... tis good, creative.
 — unknown

OMG! MORE WORSE SO MANY LINES FOR WHO?
 — unknown

Amazing!
 — unknown

i like the revision better.  personally and poetically, i like repetition.  i think it enhances the rhythm in most cases, drives the point and helps the poem (depending on the poem) "chug" along like an engine.  this poem has "destination" as well as "arrival" about it and once it arrives, you wanna go back and take the whole trip again.  excellent!  wanna see more of your stuff.
 — starr

Fa-wowza.
 — WordsAndMe

I THOUGHT I posted a response to this poem yesterday, but my computer was jammed and I don't think my response made it in, so let me say this:

I LOVE this poem.  It's like a train that builds up steam and it has a nice "chug" to it.  It not only boasts a healthy departure, but it also boasts such an arrival that I wanna go back and take the whole trip again.  A very deserving "10."  Glad that I checked back to make sure I could contribute my compliments to the poet.  Keep on!  Good stuff!  
 — starr

I don't know if you know this, but you are my favourite poet on this site.
 — winter

I never commented, but I've always always liked this one.  The repetitious style that makes each thought bleed into the next really works. (no pun intended!)
 — jerotich

I'm glad to see this back at the top after so long. -Rynne
 — unknown

oooook
 — unknown

this is amazing, I love the style yet I find it hard to decode.  Will be coming back to this---
 — OwlGirl

Ha ha i like this!
 — unknown

wait you gave her an abortion and the embryo or egg is on your face? am i readin it rite?


jesus
 — unknown

piss off jesus, you didn't help us much the first time you were here.
 — unknown

It's sad that I know someone the last has happened to. -shudder-

The writing style is very creative, but flows like crap, and I'm not sure if I like it. It's linguistically choppy, but like I said, very creative and unique. For the work, (8).

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

the footnote totally makes this for me.

well not makes it. but its certainly adds.

by the way. lovely poem.
 — sodapop

Do you admit to yourself the depth of your talent?
 — winter

heavy.
 — rainymonday

about time you're back up top gnormal. i love the way you write but i especially love the when.
 — noodleman

Wow, its like someone with a split personality.
Really touched me. Thank you.
 — Kellie_Fern

i can't believe it took me a minute to get the "egg on my face" bit, how cool, even tho disgusting!!
 — jenakajoffer

YOU ARE A SICK PERVERTE AND YOU NEED AAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTT OF  HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPP PPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

Perhaps some revisions to a few lines (25, 34, 43) and cut a few lines, too (namely, 38..)?





Fucked up fabulous.
 — mouse

very good.
 — Virgil

L60-61...
been there done that,
except the type of blood you are alluding to
is not bright red and noticeable like other blood
because there are other fluids mixed in
i didn't know til the morning either,
found out from the pink hand print on the sheet...
jabba
 — unknown

This was one of the first things i read when i first came here and I wasn't sure - it's taken me three years to realise how good it is.
 — opal

whoa, i love it..
 — chloee

I love the way the poem is written. however I'm not really sure if I got it. You visuals are great and the other comments are right it makes you think. However I don't know if i understood it.
 — Bandrews

A+ , Thanks .
 — unknown

.....word play
 — seekinglight

duh
 — unknown

Eeeeeeewwwwwwww thats grose!
 — unknown

haven't read this in ages
tonight I will tell all how good you are
and toast you with Guinness.

G.
 — unknown

Where is Schmidt Hall? ANd Thompson Commons? Fictional or real?
 — unknown

geniosis! I love it!
 — catcher

3 words:

this piece rocks!
: )
 — fractalcore

so fucking good. no criticisms, just jealousy and awe.
 — unknown

i told you.
: )
 — fractalcore

Always enjoyed this poem and the repetition worksvery well, in showing how delicate language can be, intent wise by the line.
 — OldShoe

Well then!!!
 — psychofemale

oh my, so nice to read this again.
: )
 — fractalcore

dilemma: to read the poem and thread when both posed are just way too long. solution number one: scroll/look for mikebowers crits and bypass tedious thread. the road diverged without divulging its bulge. and I? i took the one less travelled by .  ..  i skipped the poem, alltogether. now. the cellophane submarine.
 — unknown

a long-winding brick rowed in the tigris?
even a tigress gets tired when she morphs
into, say, a mustang and is obliged to travel
that golden mmm'aisle.

skip the stones and count your lost gas.
i can't.

; )
 — fractalcore

thats very good
 — skinner

Still makes me laugh
 — PollyReg

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