poetry critical

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just inside there

it's raining in the forest
but not where i'm standing
outside the edge of deciduous
the freezing rain coated
the trees in ice,
and now it is warming
so it's raining in the forest
the drops sound like deer
lightly stepping through the frost.

10 Jan 05

Rated 8 (6.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (2): 2, 9

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'tis a pretty picture. i'd like to hear more, though. sort of more of a sketch in my mind's eye.

 — unknown

I agree, this is a pencil drawing and I'd like to see the oil version, please.  As it is, it begins something but there is no movement, no action.  If you're in the forest, why isn't it raining on the edge of deciduous (which doesn't really mean anything to me.  I know what it means scientifically but not in this context)?
 — Isabelle5

i'm not in the forest, tried to make that clear by title and line2-3
 — hank

yes, a short sketch about water droplets. that's all that was intended. wasn't in the mood to break out the linseed oil and turpentine. or the silly thing with the thumbhole in it.
 — hank

I understood it to mean you were standing on the edge of where the deciduous trees are.  A comma might help.  It's raining in the forest, not where I am but on the edge of deciduous.  
 — Isabelle5

hows that isabelle5?
 — hank

This is so very lovely. I think it could do with more commas and fullstops to help direct flow, but like this, there are more ways to read it. The more I read through this, the lovelier it gets. This is one of the best poems capturing transience that I've read in a long time, it freezes both place, time, mood, sensation and thought. Great work.
 — unknown

thank you wendz. how are you anyway? love your new works.
 — hank

I'm good hank, nice to see you back. What have you been up to? Glad you like the newies, been looking for poetic direction. Luckily, you can teach an old dog new tricks. :)
 — wendz

this is a much better poem than i thought
 — hank

i like this better now too. huh.
 — noodleman

Don't understand the last line in the first stanza but overall this is well worked
 — larrylark

'outside the edge of deciduous' - meaning i am standing outside of and looking into the deciduous forest.
 — hank

 — gnormal

frost wants me to hear it as forest, i hesitate ever so slightly at it, like fir-ost

i don't like the the in 9, having muchmuchmuch experience with this scene

nice words
 — chuckle_s