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Half measured out teepee gallery home;
nondescript, sliced neatly,
with each micro square centimetre
including the lawn and burial ground
Family sits frozen inside,
formaldehyded in time.
Abandoned traditional ways
in favour of the dream catcher.
Mother stirs pemican stew,
father seasons scratched buckskins,
waiting for a place, their reservation.
Son away undergoing rites of passage,
daughter lovingly dyes her feathers.
Last week someone wearing
cowboy boots and leathers stopped father
in the street and said, "The war paint on
you cheek doesn't look authentic."
11 Jan 05
Rated 7.3 (7.6) by 5 users.
Inactive (14): 1, 2, 4, 5, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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there are not enough good things i can say about his wonderful work, so i will say what i have just said. there are not enough good things i can say about this wonderful work, so i digress and mereley admire and thank.
this whole piece is twisty turniciously lovely.
15 i think that continuing to use the present continuous tense with reference to dyes might be better; more fluid. picking the wearing up rhythmically ingingly.
otherwise the tenses are possibly what on longer deeper reads bother me most. not so much critically but curiously.
your using the past tense in the first stanza
7 & 8 present
9 past again and i can't decide whether it works
the lines from 16 could be broken into a seperate stanza
for the switch back to the past tense
19 do you mean your?
the voice is particularly strong without pronouns.
it creates a distant and intimate read experience.
i shall play with that device.
the title and subject matter are perfect. sublime descriptions, simple yet effective.
and anything else onk says
i will get unlazy and score this later.
L18-19 compensated for lack of 'r' since the encounter was A grade Larry humour.
Look out for the one wearing a poncho, a week's stubble, and smokes a cheroot, doesn't have a sense of humour - in regard to mules that is.
Thank you for your kind words,they are much appreciated
formaldehyded is too rough (8)
It should read formaldehyded in thyme so as to add flavour to the pemican stew but you knew that already didn't you. Honestly Noodleman ,your such a tease
Max spice of life Shallow
It seems you know me better than i know myself.Even Sitting bull knows you don't generally stir custer into pemican stew if that,s what you mean
Larry Captain Cook Lark
Perhaps I simply don't understand this, but it really doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. In the first stanza, it seems as though you're describing a musuem exhibit (literally) and then you go into a (confused) description of dummies/statues inside which quickly becomes real people in 11-15. Then you change location entirely and contradict the above. That'd be fine, but I don't really see where the contradiction is going.
One of my issues with this is I can't see consistency in who you're empathizing with; the family? Are they keeping traditional ways or not? You say they abandoned them for a "dream catcher" but dreamcatchers are a 'traditional way' (in the Chippewa, who lived in waginogan, not teepees). Then you go on to describe the family performing yet more traditional activities, which you had just stated they'd given up. Then, at the last, you go back again and imply that they're not seen as authentic, even though you tried to give an authentic-tinged description.
Overall, this just seems not very well thought out. It may be completely clear to you, as the author, but I don't find it coming through clearly for the reader. It's very confused and seems to lack coherent meaning. However, it does have nice rhythm and I think you could have a good idea here, if you just sorted it through and clarified it.
dreamcatcher - tv?
semi-detached therefore half-measured: artificial, not real; play the part, not the part thing.
I also have considerable reservations about this poem .After all, i do live on one.This is actually cased on events that occured at the cowboy and indian night at my local pub(bar) when the simulated scalping got a little out of hand.
Larry the axe Lark
I once found a hawk feather (finally, after long searching) and my friend kept it to himself. I put a dream catcher on my wall and a bad-seeded (as some faeries remarked), evil acquaintance popped through it and gave me a dream illness. (I should have known better as his inner self had suddenly risen out of his head previously and tried to descend onto me while we were both suddenly dosing).
I think this poem is interesting. It seems like one of those steretypical neon-sign places on tv, in the desert with all sorts of whirly junk and contraptions. I like the details of native life you have learned, and I would like to read something without the faded loss. Something celebratory with such details and spiritual perseverance.
Maybe you need to dress up as an indian chief once in a while
Larry Apache Lark
This does have a unique twist to it - very good at finding one and putting it to good use - the only suggestions I have, would be first, to seriously read it aloud to find natural pauses/line breaks, for instance, in the first stanza, it reads better (to me) like this:
half measured out teepee
nondescript, neatly sliced
each micro square centimetre
including the lawn
and burial ground
I've also cut the word 'with' from L4 because it isn't needed. L19 'you'/your? I would break the second stanza into 2, to help separate the 3 'in's.
To Larry- if you really saw my comment, you would know that my only sizable feather was stolen. Maybe you need to go on a vision quest? (With warmth, C)
Out in the stratosphere.
I appreciate the time and attention that you gave to your crit.Thanks.
Larry the lemon Lark
Ever seen Patricia Piccinini?
What a coincidence, I had dinner with her last night and she was asking how you were.
Larry friends in high places Lark
Happy Thanksgiving L19 your Would have preferred the more serious tone to the end
You don't always get what you want..
Larry in for it all Lark
Actually, I frequently don't get what I want, Larry the Wise One Lark