poetry critical

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Dead People
Quichemarie

"Dead people
 1
are like scarecrows,
 2
they cannot hurt you."
 3
 
 
I cautiously
 4
    step over
 5
        his arm.
 6
It cannot hurt me.
 7
It's no longer
 8
attached to his body.
 9
 
 
Through slatted fingers
 10
I stare at the limb
 11
as my free hand
 12
reaches toward his
 13
blood spattered hat.
 14
 
 
I want to make sense of it all.
 15
 
 
Grandma says it will
 16
never make sense.
 17
She just wants
 18
his skin scraped
 19
from the front of her house.
 20

13 Jan 05

Rated 8.2 (8.1) by 7 users.
Active (7): 8, 8, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(17 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

This is so horrendously gory that I love it!  Especially the line about what Grandma wants.  You're a ghoul...
 — Isabelle5

This is truly awesome.

-noodleman
 — unknown

Wow.  This is even better than Visitor Q.
 — Evi

Did this really happen ??
 — SweetxMemory

Yes, SweetxMemory, it really did happen. I tend to write poetry out of my experiences. Thanks for the positive comments. ~Q~
 — unknown

This sounds so very real, can picture it
 — BlkJeans

so gross, and weird i like i like.
 — unknown

Interesting. There's a lot to like about this. It's got powerful imagery; it implies much and has a feeling of backstory, of action somewhere in the background, but leaves it for the reader to color it in for themselves. I like that.

L1 I don't think it's really necessary to have the title as the first line, if that's indeed what it is. It's more a distraction than anything else.

L5-7 I always like a descending thought, if done well. I think this one is. It mirrors the action being described nicely and helps the image. Nice.

L11 This line seems a bit sparse... it might be helped to have a bit more description about the sister, not anything excessive, but just a little bit more. A suggestion only.

L19-20 I'm not sure why the line is broke as it is here. The thought is broken up unnecessarily, it feels awkward to me. Perhaps:

She just wants
his skin scraped

I suggest that because it has two complete thoughts in the two lines, instead of one being stopped short in 19 and then continued on in 20. Again, merely a suggestion.

Overall, nice work. Strong image, good macabre and yet sorrowful feeling. Well done. Welcome to the site.
 — dandy

Really.....? This disturbes me...But it is in a good way
 — meghanmidget

I see that your top rated poem(at the moment) isnt the only good one you have. I liked this one a lot...Another good one!!
 — crazy

i c dead ppl
 — unknown

wow, this too is awesome!  (;  great jorb!  (;
 — ducktape

btw, gave u a 10.
 — ducktape

yay!
 — mr_e

scarecorws scare me.
 — unknown

oh man.  this is a craZy scene.  is it true?
 — tiedtoes

The unusual chronology used to disclose events is admirable.  The subject matter is shocking and I did not like it however your composition establishes a distance whilst drawing the reader in and the result is truly awesome!
 — Kauf

wow.
 — themolly

This is fantastic with an absolutely brilliant last stanza. Perfect 10 and in my favourites
 — larrylark

why is it that i love your poems so damn much?

stop being so good, give some lesser mortal a fair go

;)
 — Lia


 — unknown

i can't help but like this. in my favorites, you made me do it.
 — listen

though i don't like "my sister vomits." it sounds to expectant. that might just be my opinion, though.
 — listen

it makes it lose its poetic feel, i guess.
 — listen

you might have wanted that
 — listen

this is really powerful, but change the title pleeeeeeeeeeze
 — kitkat

don't change the title!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

Wonderful. Dead people are people too. This makes me shudder/smile. Line 15 says it all. Exquisitely controlled.
 — graceinmtl

Really excellent! I like the reference to scarecrows. This poem dosen't scare me. It seems to chase my demons away with its realism. It's like the day after a battle when everything becomes clear in the day light and we just have to deal with the facts.
 — Riverwriter2

but, i'm afraid of scarecrows, too!
 — unknown

creepy
 — unknown

vivid and yet detached the same time. talented work.
 — SteelAngel

weird.

this leaves me wondering what the hell happened to him.

i like it.
 — mould_jesus

just another reminder that ,yes, speed kills. actuall i would want what grandma wants. after all, how long can you leave the skin there. good descriptive writs
 — coodaygraw

how did the skin get on the wall how did he die? ooh! scary! I LIKE IT!
A LOT!
 — unknown

urgh horrible.
 — Meep

reworked.
 — Quichemarie

what about "Through slatted fingers" in line 10?
 — Quichemarie

it's a fine poem just the way it is.
 — unknown

Unless of course the dead body is now a zombie. Zombies are fast. 10/10
 — Henry

Oh! Interesting. I like the creative structure too!
 — misterpoet

can't put my finger on it but I love this.
 — gem_grrrl

This is interesting but I don't really feel it.  
The way you positioned L4-6 gave it a nice touch. Deft you might say.

The ending is just plain wicked. I like it. Sort of.
 — DeformedLion

ooh. nice imageryy. =]
 — chelseyjo

cool poem,
appeared randomly-
I'm a fan of dark poetry
and you've written this well..
me likes
 — JKWeb

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