Comments:
Hey Morty, baby: you're technical nonsense.
— Inuki
That last post just proved you're really Morchuis, "Logo." Shame, you'd expect someone so fluent in the languages to be able to choose better words than "Logo" or Bill, and would at least be able to cover up his 'morchuisan' ways.
— unknown
I'm not sure why you're making random remarks that do not apply to this poem, Morty, baby, since that's what you're supposed to be doing on this part of the site.
As for banning, you can see my comments to you regarding that, Logo/Bill/Morty on the forum, where it is appropriate.
"And your poetry is by any standard ,most certainly technical nonsense."
I'd like to see you prove that by "any standard". Please, do. I highly doubt all standards would claim my poetry is technical nonsense.
Now, if anyone has any real comments, rather than wasting my time with inane, pointless comments like Morty, baby, here... I would be more than willing to hear some real commenting.
— Inuki
Hi Inuki,
You are so obsessed with being right, read you own poetry, if you cannot see the technical mistakes therein, then you should not be judging the poetry of others full stop.
Read your poetry and stop behaving like a big girl’s blouse.
Logo
— unknown
Well, a real critique for you.
Interesting... I've been thinking on this for some days and trying to decide what my take on it will be... my first instinct was to view the first segment as the Moon and the second as the Sun. I've begun to also think of the former as the Sun rising and the latter, setting... still a bit more on the first theory. The predominance of cold, still images (the cold colors, white light, snow) makes me think of night and thus moon. The second has brighter colors, more strident language and more action actually descibed (the "fiery golden sun flashing", the animals, the bowstring and arrow) and makes me think of daytime. These are based on stereotypes of night and day, of course, but I think they work.
When I did a little research, I find that the title seems to be referring to the Arabian unicorn, karkadann, which is also translated in parentheses. However, this type of unicorn is as different from European folklore as dragons in England and China. Ferocious, meat eater, no fear of man or animals... since I see no direct reference to said beast in the poem (and hinted, I think, by the "Dualistic" title) I feel this is equating astral bodies with the unicorn. The Sun and Moon are the dualistic side of this fantastic, destructive beast. Now I merely wonder what I can make of the fantastic beast itself... both of the segments seem to reflect a certain boredom in beauty, a lack of excitement in things fantastic that once made the heart race. Unicorns no longer make you happy...
That's my read of the text. On a structural level, it's pretty good. A bit of rhyme in the first segment, unusual for you, while the latter has your Romantic side showing pretty clear.
Ll7-11 I like quite a bit, the rhyme is very smooth and reads out loud very well. L12 lets it down by "detective" being very out of context, though.... it may be the meaning that you want, but the language doesn't read well. I'm guessing it was chosen for the "de-" prefix, but it damages. I might consider think of synonyms for that.
Ll29-30 I've probably mentioned this a couple times on another poems, but why is that line broken like that? It's not maintaining a meter, so that can't be it and I feel it rarely makes sense to break up a thought and spread it uncomfortably on two lines, when they both could dwell easily if split with ease, not stretched.
Overall, I like this more as I read it. It is, of course, rather oblique, but whether or not my reading of it is correct, it does lend itself to imagery and perspective. A nice effort and good work. Well done.
— dandy
|