| (LU)(LU)
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unknown
| When she stared | 1 |
she stared | 2 |
seductively | 3 |
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When she danced | 4 |
she danced | 5 |
divinely | 6 |
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When she kissed | 7 |
she kissed | 8 |
sublimely | 9 |
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When I undressed | 10 |
she laughed | 11 |
hysterically | 12 |
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18 Jan 05 |
Rated 7.8 (8.1) by 6 users.
Active (6): 7, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
NICE. :-)
— Davezilla
yum!
-noodleman
— unknown
Bloody good, writer of this. Only thing I can suggest is to replace l9 with a word starting with "k", so as to follow the pattern. Wonderful work, props for the title. You've made the twelve word limit work for you, props for that too. Nice job all round.
— wendz
Like it a lot.
— Isabelle5
:D Wonderful.
— Kayleigh
*fumes with jealousy*
>_< wish this was my poem.
excellent, excellent. I agree with Wendz that line 9 seems a little out of place. I cant think of any words that start with "k" to go there, though.
the end is wonderful
*lots of applause*
and only 12 words? ^_^
— peanut
Thanks for the laughs.
I don't see what Wendz means, but she's bonkers, so whatever. A but out of place, but the 'k' thing I don't understand.
— FangzOfFire
Fangz,
lines:
1)stared
2)stared
3)seductivel y
4)danced
5)danced
6)divinely
7)kissed
8 )kissed
9)sublimely
"sublimely" sounds great with "divinely" and "seductively" but with "kissed"...hrm...just a little out of place. see what me mean?
P.S. wendz is bonkers. she's always poking peas unexpectedly >_<
— peanut
"we mean" not "me mean" sorry...dyslexia is catching up with me.
— peanut
Eh. Should be anon, Fangz!
And I'm not bonkers.
I just have a comunication disability.
peahead gets it. ^_^
*flicks peanut in the pea*
*ruffles Fangz' hair*
Nice work dude, I didn't know it was you.
-wendz
— unknown
kindly
kiddingly
?
— unknown
The repitition in this adds nicely to the rythem.
— InMyBlood
is the title supposed to spell lulu?
(lu) on its own as a title is maybe a little underdevelopped to the point of meaninglessness.
the only real issue is that the k's don't read through in stanza 3.
and stanza 4 breaks form nearly completely, other than being in the past tense and holding to the rhyme scheme.
for a poem that rely's heaviliy on the cleverness of its form, rather than the interest of the words, that is a bit of an oversight.
otherwise. nice light-hearted attempt, with clearly a great deal of thought gone into how to interpret the rules. if you can pull of a rewrite this could be a real contender.
tough competition this eh.
Kaleidazcope
— unknown
W, I'm not Fangz. Thanks all for comments.
— unknown
Hah, funny.
— kaze
great ending. i had no idea it would go there. what an amusing surprise! I do agree with line 9 breaking the pattern. If you can't think of a word that starts with 'k' maybe change 'kissed' to something similar?
— honeypot
Kaleidazcopically? ;)
— unknown
oh gabe
— unknown
gabe?
— unknown
do not enter the labyrinthe
!!!!!!!
you will not make it out in one piss
mark my words
— unknown
I think use of form is clever here, as the cliche breaks down so does the rhyme, let's face it this is truer to life than the idealisations which fit neatly on the page but bring poetry into disrepute. This reads perfectly satisfactorily is fun and without pretension.
— unknown
: ) i liked it a lot
— brushwoo
Thanks, brushwoo and esp. unk for unearthing this. Glad you both enjoyed as is. Cheers :)
— unknown
Delightful work. Brought a smile to my face.
— sybarite
'when she danced, she dance re-duc-tive-ly,
when she kissed, she kissed sublime.
but, when i undressed,
she laughed, unblushingly,
as, oh, did my
face turn red.'
— geckodrome
hahahah, O man, this is great, totally caught me off guard like a telephone pole planted in the middle of the fast lane.
Love it. 10
— TCooks
THks a lot, TC ?& Syb. Not too keen on your version, geck.
cheers :)
— unknown
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