| Nature's Beauty
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SweetPain
| Softly the wind blows kissing the tree tops | 1 |
playing with the marigold's fingers. | 2 |
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The sun gleams with prideful rays | 3 |
that tan the green grass. | 4 |
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The sky blue and cloudless accomodates | 5 |
the Birds that weightlessly sail overhead. | 6 |
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Sun falls gracefully to the horizon | 7 |
casting red shadows, and nastalgic feelings of romance | 8 |
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As the day winds down into night, | 9 |
the fireflies come alive glinting against ebony skies. | 10 |
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19 Jan 05 |
Rated 8 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 9
Inactive (4): 4, 7, 8, 8
(define the words in this poem)
(108 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
The first way, I would urge you to consider building upon, is your use of punctuation. It's actually not that bad a poem the way it is. Just take out the periods at the end of lines 1 and 3. for fluency. In fact, it's quite relaxing a poem that perhaps if you really payed close attntion to your syllabols in each stanza you could create a whole new form of Haiku, re-invent the style and call it an American Haiku style or something like that. Just a thought.
Your "friendly, social" poet,
Adam
— SirBoggy
First thing i am a born and bread CANUCK!! So it would be a Canadian haiku :P. And that is a good idea, but imagine a whole new form of poetry by a teenager! Thanx for the comment:)
— SweetPain
well changed it, and nopefully for the better.
— SweetPain
mmm that's the way it is written most comfortably and with humble elegance; it's great to read something that doesn't try to be intellectual and just right expresses the real heart (C)
— unknown
thanx a BUNCH! C! and i am a lover of the natural world!
— SweetPain
Marygold - marigold
gleems - gleams
pridefull - prideful, is there such a word???
grass doesn't tan.
But you got accomodates right! Amazing.
This isn't really profound, more like a travelogue of a day. Can you give it some action, add a character so there is something going on beyond a nice day?
— Isabelle5
thanx isabelle i appreciate the critique! and this poem is ment to be weightless, and i want people to imagine this for themselves.
— SweetPain
It is peaceful, like when you just sit down outside and listen.
— Isabelle5
This poem just makes u feel like going on a hike in the woods and just sitting and listening. i think i am right now
— unknown
ive added two stanzas to richen this poem hopefully. thanx unknown.
— SweetPain
I read the comment about tanning green grass, I think grass can "tan", it can burn to brown, is that what you were trying to say in this poem? Line 7 you have horizone there is no e at the end of that word. I like the ending how you used the fireflies to flash against the night.
— JT
About the grass JT, your absolutly right. And thank you very much for doing a little spell check for me.
— SweetPain
I love the way you gently bring visuals and images in my head with this poem.
And it just makes you want to go outside on whatever time of day it is and enjoy the wonders of nature,the beauty of nature.
I will rate this an 8+
— AutumnTears
well thankyou, thats very sweet of you Autumntears.
— SweetPain
First of all, do you really need the capital at the start of every line?
And if you do, then why on line 6 does "the" have no capital, but ""Birds" does? It makes no sense to me.
Also, "fireflies" on line 11 is spelt wrong.
I'm not going to really comment on the actual content, because I am in a bad mood, and I will be unreasonably harsh. I will say it's good and leave it at that.
— Lia
This is an original and cleverly woven poem which shows an observant eye for nature
— larrylark
thanks a bunch Lia and LarryLark! you guys are making my day!:D:D
— SweetPain
Um, why did you comment and thank me, yet ignore my suggestions? I didn't ask for a whole re-write, I just pointed out a typo and capital error.
— Lia
i am so sorry, i didnt even see that part of your comment till now. sorry dude.
— SweetPain
Hi sp, i like the imagery in the first two lines, but 'hands' seems a bit clumsy - maybe 'fingers' would suggest the shape of the marigold petal a little more delicately,. similarly 'prideful' is a bit of a mouthful - 'proud' perhaps?, but I think you have the makings of some good images and a nicely observed depiction of a summer day. I'd build up the perrsonification if i were you; just suggestions -v.promising,
— opal
i dont agree with you opal about the prideful part, but thanks for the help with L2!
— SweetPain
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