| to someone I could not call a lover
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omega
| 1. | 1 |
I remember... | 2 |
sitting next to you on the sofa | 3 |
and tracing the void between us- | 4 |
the endless miles of Texas | 5 |
mapped out on ancient and stinking upholstery. | 6 |
Bathed in the blue flourescent lights of God, | 7 |
while you consumed | 8 |
breakfast cereal and superficial bullshit, | 9 |
sugar plum mind rot. | 10 |
(my heart drooling purplish blood in the bottom of your bowl) | 11 |
Growing tired of the distance, | 12 |
I planted the television in the back yard | 13 |
and you are still waiting for some great plywood tree to grow. | 14 |
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2. | 15 |
I wish my body were not so | 16 |
painstakingly designed for childbirth- | 17 |
it always attracts you flies like a corpse. | 18 |
A cage or display case | 19 |
that keeps me here, | 20 |
I hate it. | 21 |
Sometimes I have to tie a string around my finger to remind myself | 22 |
to breathe | 23 |
and force life into these worthless mounds of soft flesh and tissue. | 24 |
Swallow. | 25 |
Placate. | 26 |
Protect. | 27 |
Forced into another role I do not wish to play. | 28 |
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3. | 29 |
Descending... | 30 |
All those times | 31 |
we pounded out dirty rhythms on each other's bodies- | 32 |
gritty music with a loveless tune... | 33 |
Each raucous thrust burning in the back of my mind | 34 |
like cigarette butt on flesh | 35 |
ashes | 36 |
bone. | 37 |
I can trace your skeleton under skin | 38 |
and find something more solid than I. | 39 |
75% water, | 40 |
soaking into the bedsheets. | 41 |
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i edited this. the beginning doesn't suck as much anymore. it used to be "I remember.../I had never thought that sharing something could/ force two so far apart- / sitting on your bed,/ bathed in the blue flourescent lights........" comments and constructive criticism on this are appreciated.
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30 Jan 05 |
Rated 6.3 (7.3) by 10 users.
Active (10): 1, 5, 7, 8, 8, 9
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 4, 4, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)
(7 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
LOVE THE TITTLE !!!!!!
— SweetxMemory
I really love this!...But I can't say I enjoyed the second stanza nearly as much as the first and third. I loved the irony of this all, and the use of physical knowledge into verse. Some lines are a little too much on the cliche side for my liking, but a lot were so original and good they overpower the others. I'd say just clean it up and rewrite lines that don't feel right, and a rather large thing is to add a more conclusive finish. For now, an 8.
— FangzOfFire
interesting, L33 should either read "like a cigarette butt on flesh" or "like cigarette butts on flesh". Anyways, nice work.
— dmartin
Not necessarily, Dmartin. The word 'a' can be left out of many phrases and still be correct. I do it all the time.
THREE CHEERS FOR POETIC LICENSE!
— FangzOfFire
write on.. thank you for sharing your past.
here is to a much brighter future!
— isolde
oooh i like this
— DiVeRiGhTiN
yes , i really enjoyed this. especially 14 - 19. only complaint i could make is line three. ....i could say that it is just a teensy bit cliche but then again, what isnt anymore?
— duffyj83
yeah... well.... oh well.
— omega
Wow. The 2nd stanza is complete perfection. For so long I've wanted to force those thoughts into a set of words, but it looks like you've done it for me.
— SpunHeart
I agree with Fangs of Fire. I liked the first and third stanza's much more. But wow was that really... raw.
— CantTell
line 16 would read better as it always attracts you like flies to a corpse. other than that, i love this.
— sassybnyss
I would have to disagree, the second stanza is excellent.
This poem is amazing.
— psychedelico
Oh gosh. Brilliant. I love the first stanza, especially 11-12. Witty, sharp.
— weed
well sassy, i was trying to say that the person the poem is written to and others like him are flies.... flies being things that are attracted to putrid things.... dead things.... and comparing my body to a corpse....
to the others: i don't really like the first stanza, mostly because i think the opening is especially weak.... any suggestions on how to improve it would be muchly appreciated.
— omega
i could go through and give you suggestions for the punctuation that you say you aren't sure about, but i'm extremely tired right now so i'll just leave you with this;
that was really fucking good.
— mould_jesus
this poem kicks ass.
— landlubber
edit....
— omega
There's something very Conor Oberst-like about this. I mean that in a good way.
— Dead
I've never read that....
— unknown
that was me up there, btw.
— omega
love the poem ... though there's a glitch in the first three lines of the first stanza
I remember... 2
sitting next to you on the sofa 3
and tracing the void between us- 4
i've got the visual, and it isn't coming together ... i love the idea, words, rhythm and feel of "tracing the void," but think about this for a moment ... two people sitting some distance from one another on the couch ... meanwhile, one's got her hands in the air ... i know you're looking for a visual ... and "tracing the void" is beautiful ... but it needs a bit of a set up ...
line 38 "...trace your skeleton under your skin" is incredible ... it gives the vision that i'm looking for
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by the way ... i'm supposed to be working, and instead i've been here all day, reading poetry ... thanks for the link!
— unknown
Conor Oberst is the mastermind behind the music of Bright Eyes, and makes songs with titles such as "a line allows progress, a circle does not" and "calendar hung itself".
-your conjoined siamese twin
— unknown
who is my conjoined siamese twin?
— unknown
btw, that was me again.
~omega
— unknown
I wasn't saying Conor Oberst wrote this himself, I just was saying it reminds me of his lyrical style a little bit. I've been listening to the two new albums from Bright Eyes, so that's a pretty good comment. I forgot to mention before that this is one of my favorite poems at the moment.
God, I wish I could write like this.
— Dead
to straight forward
— unknown
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