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Filthy Dirty Valentine

Hey babe, be my Valentine,
please don't delete me,
I know I don't wash
for weeks at a time,
and I'm a filthy, dirty swine
with stains of red Bordeaux
round the neckline
of my cashmere sweater.
Vetivert cologne, even though
it seeps through to my bones
can't hide the smell.
I'm sorry I blew holes
in the Gucci underpants
that you bought
to go with the Armani suit
that got covered in soup
and sorrel sauce stains
at the fancy restaurant
where I had to remain:
a highly trained dog
among your high class friends.
Sorry I inadvertently atishooed
Montague's line of coke
down the sink in the pink
papered Men's room.
I feel I really must improve.
I know we can still hit the groove
or why else would you keep
the tiny potato I grew
between my toes
in the Walmart locket I bought
hidden deep in the pocket
of your favourite jeans.
You're my dream girl
and you know it.
Why do we love my love?
'Cos sometimes love's obscene.
I like posh totty
and you, a bit of rough.

14 Feb 05

Rated 10 (8.1) by 1 users.
Active (1): 2, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (19): 1, 1, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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i'm still laughing ... a wonderful valentine poem ... hilarious bad lover ...
 — Bloodfetish

this reminds me of having a crush on dylan moran.


ps: you're? last line
 — unknown

Dylan moran? - were you gorgeous and he the filthy dirty unwashed or heavens above - was it (gasp) the other way round?????

ps. you as in you (like) a bit of rough - 'like' not stated twice.
 — larrylark

Yay for Walmart lockets!!

haha..good jorb. (;
 — ducktape

Very cleverly written. This is an unparaleled skill that no one could ever hope to match.
 — silentscream

The comma in L39 is confusing. A fun entertainment.
 — unknown

Gosh, my kind of Valentine poem!
 — Isabelle5

This is mad brilliant. I love it, especially the coke in the pink men's room and the last two lines.
 — claudia

i like it, i interpret it as being a satire, aimed for the corporate thing about the "holiday" because you named all those companies, like whole love or money theme.
 — infinity

That would be the ultimate valentine for the guys I stalk.
 — FangzOfFire

Fangz - a word of advice - don't marry them or even let them move in (they never have their own place) - they stay filthy - believe me I know.
 — opal

This is wonderful, Larrylark. But you already knew that, didn't you? ;)
 — unknown

Dear Infinity

You'd be totally barking up the wrong tree there mate.

Larry mad dog Lark
 — larrylark

Dearest Wedz

What did i already know?

Larry never assume anything lark
 — unknown

larry. i see now. line break confused me. thanks.

how could you ask such a thing. wink.
haven't you seen dylan moran? (black books? - stand up?)
i thought you were british. the walmart confused me admittedly. but i thought oh he's just americanising.

i almost scrub up well. apart from the seam of my tights being wonky or a loose strand of hair escaping. so i find it best not to scrub up at all. i look less out of place then; more gorjus. heh. i'm always clean. one friend is convinced i smell of outdoors in spring. usually i smell of contradiction though.

but yes i do like dirty scruffy men, permanently drunk ones, with birds nest hair who are fiiiilthy. i like dylan moran-ish men and santa claus and chandler and jason from battle of the planets (needless to say i have had a crush on many scruffs)

and mostly i hate suited, booted, slicked hair, ironed sokcs kinda guys like michael portillo and george clooney and umm ... david hasselhoff. i immediatly feel the need to go ruffle something. tidy people have no zoom in my experience. no zoom at all.

 — unknown

this is an awful poem
 — unknown

It's really witty - I disagree with the unknown above x100
 — unknown

 — noodleman

Larrylark--you must have already known that this was wonderful when you wrote it. I can picture a smug little Englishman sitting at his table penning it. Thinking "Isn't Valentine's Day absolutely marvellous". ^_^
 — unknown

Dear Wendz

On Valentines day morning after i had been dressed by my butler and he had cleaned my teeth ,brilliantined my hair and placed my monocle on my eye,read the financial times,ironed for me each morning by my chambermaid,i thought "What can i do today that will make me feel really smug and self satisfied and reinforce my opinion of myself as one of the greatest people to ever live on this planet?yet more importantly get those poetry critical tetto whatever chappies ,scurrying to write on their PC "Well i couldn't think of a thing so i called back my butler,"Ezra, "says i,I,ll bet you a pound that you can't write a valantines day poem"He was of course highly motivated from a fiscal point of view as i make it a strict rule never to pay wages to servants as it gives them ideas above their station.So here is the poem.

I remain your most devoted Englishman

Sir Larry the golden one Lark
 — unknown

Dear Kaleidazcope

I'm the filthiest dirtiest scruffiest stinking farty pants whnever wears socks and doesn't know his way to the bathroom.I pick my nose and eaat it and save the wax i poke out of my ears in the underside of my mould filled dentures that i can't be bothered to put in.I suffer from mange scurvey boils on my balls and weird little creatures that wriggle between my toes.I hold the world record for the longest wet fart in history and a vulture nests in my pubic hair.I suffer from severe vomit syndrome and a Venus fly trap is growing out of my belly button.I'm such a great big fat bastard greasy butterball that i don't walk ,i roll or slide.I@ve got an arse as wrinkled as grandma Moses and the local council has designated me the biggest health warning this side of Yorkshire but do you know Kaleidazcope i love you .Will you be my Valentine?If the answers no then you can fuck off.

Larry the beast Lark
 — unknown

Dear Opal

I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine you living with such a man ,and if you do and are tired of his disgusting ways then pass him over to Kaliedazcope,it sounds like he could be just the one

Larry neat and clean as a brand new pair of underpants Lark
 — unknown

I love this poem. crazychristian228@hotmail.com
 — unknown

Dear Christian

So do i

Larry the man who fell in love with himself Lark
 — unknown

It starts out really good, but then it goes onto forcing rhymes. People need to realize certain poems (imagery, comedy, pure emotion) are actually disjointed by rhyme (Especially a broken scheme.)

Good job, though.
 — noneisreal

this doggerel is quite fetch
 — unknown

LOVE this. I'm not entirely certain why...
 — Miscarlet

Dear Miscarlet

I know why. You long for a dirty filthy valentine

Larry dirty filthy Lark
 — unknown

I love, love lines 31-37.
It's all great though.
 — yrrockstar

Dear Yrrockstar

Thanks for the comments and i'm pleased you were so entertained by lines 31 -37

Larry pure flukery Lark
 — unknown

That guy... sounds EXACTLY like my dad, messy, smelly, dirty, but...Romantic
 — unknown

I haven't read this is one in a while, It's still a favorite of mine. I'm going to rate you since I hadn't. It's wonderful!
 — Gabriella

well now, thats a beast of a poem, if i ever figure out how to work this website to my wishes i shall get your poem on my favourities list. good job mr poet
 — Bobby

Dear Bobby

thanks for your star comment.I love you,purely in the platonic sense of course.
 — larrylark

Lol. Larrylark, I love your sense of humor. This is the best Valentine poem I've ever read. I can't find anything wrong with it. (faves)
 — lonelygirl

line 33 needs a question mark. this is awesome. great flow and clever/funny as hell.
 — emptyepitaph

 — unknown

Dear :)

thats my kind of reply
 — larrylark

larry dear i heart u lovely larky pants
 — chickie

Dear Chickie

Thanks for reading. You wouldn't like my pants if you saw 'em,thet are so disgusting they defy description.

Larry old fustians Lark
 — larrylark

i go for weeks at a time, too posh to wash.
 — unknown

i enjoyed this it brought a smile to my face
 — xtormentedx

Dear Unknown

I have been searching all my life for the reasons I don't often wash,and you have given me them,Thank you.

Larry Steaming orifices Lark
 — larrylark

"sometimes love's obscene" - awesome.  Very entertaining.
 — WordsAndMe

Dear Wordsandme

One tries ones best
 — larrylark

that it totally discusting he ovoiusely doesent no romance
 — unknown


your good lark

real good

this bit is frameable:

"or why else would you keep  28
the tiny potato I grew  29
between my toes  30
in the Walmart locket I bought  31
hidden deep in the pocket  32
of your favourite jeans. "


thanks lark
 — unknown

Dear Unknown

Whats romance?

Larry heart of stone Lark
 — larrylark

Arrogant and ignorant at the same time...? I enjoyed this...
 — Nostalgia

Dear Nostalgia

Arrogant and ignorant, thats me.

Larry dirty filthy Lark
 — larrylark

Blew the holes in the underpants, and yay walmart!
Really awesome poem.
 — jenakajoffer

Larrylark sucks and Tetto does too. Tetto fucks johnnydaker in the ass while daker likes l-lark's ass.
 — unknown

Gosh does Daker really like my plump well rounded pink powdered ass well that does not surprise me as many people tell me i have the nicest juiciest inviting ass the've ever seen especially since i snipped off my hemmodoids and donated them to the local dog food factory.

Larry rosey cheeks Lark
 — larrylark

Dear Jenekjoffer

I love it when you say AWESOME

Larry filthy swine Lark
 — larrylark

This is "Celebrate the Poetry of Larrylark Week!"  It's so Odgen Nash-ish.  I bet you've read lots of his shit cuz YOUR stuff is right along those lines sometimes.  You are one of my favorite poets EVER!
 — starr

i like the concept here, some lines are very eloquent though sometimes the subject isn't.  the part about the potato made me sick though =(, but the whole metaphor really works in this poem. the only recommendation i'd make is to break the poem up into stanzas, but that's saved for artistic license
 — neverhaze

Dear starr

Happy Valentines day

 — larrylark

awww thats a great valentines poem
 — unknown

Oh, yay, this popped up randomly, just like Larry the Phamtom Lark!  Still funny and just about the right time!
 — Isabelle5

28-33 is really spectacular!! thanks
 — unknown

obscenely clever
 — Ansel

Larry oh Larry I miss you.
 — jenakajoffer

Fabulous--exactly what I'd like to see in a Valentine!  Love L38-39.
 — sybarite

I liked this read. Muchos.
 — psychofemale

God am i feeling like a bit of rough this morning

Larry smoothy Lark
 — larrylark

Happy Valentine's Day Larry, this poem is still awesome.
 — jenakajoffer