|Filthy Dirty Valentine
Hey babe, be my Valentine,
please don't delete me,
I know I don't wash
for weeks at a time,
and I'm a filthy, dirty swine
with stains of red Bordeaux
round the neckline
of my cashmere sweater.
Vetivert cologne, even though
it seeps through to my bones
can't hide the smell.
I'm sorry I blew holes
in the Gucci underpants
that you bought
to go with the Armani suit
that got covered in soup
and sorrel sauce stains
at the fancy restaurant
where I had to remain:
a highly trained dog
among your high class friends.
Sorry I inadvertently atishooed
Montague's line of coke
down the sink in the pink
papered Men's room.
I feel I really must improve.
I know we can still hit the groove
or why else would you keep
the tiny potato I grew
between my toes
in the Walmart locket I bought
hidden deep in the pocket
of your favourite jeans.
You're my dream girl
and you know it.
Why do we love my love?
'Cos sometimes love's obscene.
I like posh totty
and you, a bit of rough.
14 Feb 05
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i'm still laughing ... a wonderful valentine poem ... hilarious bad lover ...
this reminds me of having a crush on dylan moran.
ps: you're? last line
Dylan moran? - were you gorgeous and he the filthy dirty unwashed or heavens above - was it (gasp) the other way round?????
ps. you as in you (like) a bit of rough - 'like' not stated twice.
Yay for Walmart lockets!!
haha..good jorb. (;
Very cleverly written. This is an unparaleled skill that no one could ever hope to match.
The comma in L39 is confusing. A fun entertainment.
Gosh, my kind of Valentine poem!
This is mad brilliant. I love it, especially the coke in the pink men's room and the last two lines.
i like it, i interpret it as being a satire, aimed for the corporate thing about the "holiday" because you named all those companies, like whole love or money theme.
That would be the ultimate valentine for the guys I stalk.
Fangz - a word of advice - don't marry them or even let them move in (they never have their own place) - they stay filthy - believe me I know.
This is wonderful, Larrylark. But you already knew that, didn't you? ;)
You'd be totally barking up the wrong tree there mate.
Larry mad dog Lark
What did i already know?
Larry never assume anything lark
larry. i see now. line break confused me. thanks.
how could you ask such a thing. wink.
haven't you seen dylan moran? (black books? - stand up?)
i thought you were british. the walmart confused me admittedly. but i thought oh he's just americanising.
i almost scrub up well. apart from the seam of my tights being wonky or a loose strand of hair escaping. so i find it best not to scrub up at all. i look less out of place then; more gorjus. heh. i'm always clean. one friend is convinced i smell of outdoors in spring. usually i smell of contradiction though.
but yes i do like dirty scruffy men, permanently drunk ones, with birds nest hair who are fiiiilthy. i like dylan moran-ish men and santa claus and chandler and jason from battle of the planets (needless to say i have had a crush on many scruffs)
and mostly i hate suited, booted, slicked hair, ironed sokcs kinda guys like michael portillo and george clooney and umm ... david hasselhoff. i immediatly feel the need to go ruffle something. tidy people have no zoom in my experience. no zoom at all.
this is an awful poem
It's really witty - I disagree with the unknown above x100
Larrylark--you must have already known that this was wonderful when you wrote it. I can picture a smug little Englishman sitting at his table penning it. Thinking "Isn't Valentine's Day absolutely marvellous". ^_^
On Valentines day morning after i had been dressed by my butler and he had cleaned my teeth ,brilliantined my hair and placed my monocle on my eye,read the financial times,ironed for me each morning by my chambermaid,i thought "What can i do today that will make me feel really smug and self satisfied and reinforce my opinion of myself as one of the greatest people to ever live on this planet?yet more importantly get those poetry critical tetto whatever chappies ,scurrying to write on their PC "Well i couldn't think of a thing so i called back my butler,"Ezra, "says i,I,ll bet you a pound that you can't write a valantines day poem"He was of course highly motivated from a fiscal point of view as i make it a strict rule never to pay wages to servants as it gives them ideas above their station.So here is the poem.
I remain your most devoted Englishman
Sir Larry the golden one Lark
I'm the filthiest dirtiest scruffiest stinking farty pants whnever wears socks and doesn't know his way to the bathroom.I pick my nose and eaat it and save the wax i poke out of my ears in the underside of my mould filled dentures that i can't be bothered to put in.I suffer from mange scurvey boils on my balls and weird little creatures that wriggle between my toes.I hold the world record for the longest wet fart in history and a vulture nests in my pubic hair.I suffer from severe vomit syndrome and a Venus fly trap is growing out of my belly button.I'm such a great big fat bastard greasy butterball that i don't walk ,i roll or slide.I@ve got an arse as wrinkled as grandma Moses and the local council has designated me the biggest health warning this side of Yorkshire but do you know Kaleidazcope i love you .Will you be my Valentine?If the answers no then you can fuck off.
Larry the beast Lark
I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine you living with such a man ,and if you do and are tired of his disgusting ways then pass him over to Kaliedazcope,it sounds like he could be just the one
Larry neat and clean as a brand new pair of underpants Lark
I love this poem. email@example.com
So do i
Larry the man who fell in love with himself Lark
It starts out really good, but then it goes onto forcing rhymes. People need to realize certain poems (imagery, comedy, pure emotion) are actually disjointed by rhyme (Especially a broken scheme.)
Good job, though.
this doggerel is quite fetch
LOVE this. I'm not entirely certain why...
I know why. You long for a dirty filthy valentine
Larry dirty filthy Lark
I love, love lines 31-37.
It's all great though.
Thanks for the comments and i'm pleased you were so entertained by lines 31 -37
Larry pure flukery Lark
That guy... sounds EXACTLY like my dad, messy, smelly, dirty, but...Romantic
I haven't read this is one in a while, It's still a favorite of mine. I'm going to rate you since I hadn't. It's wonderful!
well now, thats a beast of a poem, if i ever figure out how to work this website to my wishes i shall get your poem on my favourities list. good job mr poet
thanks for your star comment.I love you,purely in the platonic sense of course.
Lol. Larrylark, I love your sense of humor. This is the best Valentine poem I've ever read. I can't find anything wrong with it. (faves)
line 33 needs a question mark. this is awesome. great flow and clever/funny as hell.
thats my kind of reply
larry dear i heart u lovely larky pants
Thanks for reading. You wouldn't like my pants if you saw 'em,thet are so disgusting they defy description.
Larry old fustians Lark
i go for weeks at a time, too posh to wash.
i enjoyed this it brought a smile to my face
I have been searching all my life for the reasons I don't often wash,and you have given me them,Thank you.
Larry Steaming orifices Lark
"sometimes love's obscene" - awesome. Very entertaining.
One tries ones best
that it totally discusting he ovoiusely doesent no romance
your good lark
this bit is frameable:
"or why else would you keep 28
the tiny potato I grew 29
between my toes 30
in the Walmart locket I bought 31
hidden deep in the pocket 32
of your favourite jeans. "
Larry heart of stone Lark
Arrogant and ignorant at the same time...? I enjoyed this...
Arrogant and ignorant, thats me.
Larry dirty filthy Lark
Blew the holes in the underpants, and yay walmart!
Really awesome poem.
Larrylark sucks and Tetto does too. Tetto fucks johnnydaker in the ass while daker likes l-lark's ass.
Gosh does Daker really like my plump well rounded pink powdered ass well that does not surprise me as many people tell me i have the nicest juiciest inviting ass the've ever seen especially since i snipped off my hemmodoids and donated them to the local dog food factory.
Larry rosey cheeks Lark
I love it when you say AWESOME
Larry filthy swine Lark
This is "Celebrate the Poetry of Larrylark Week!" It's so Odgen Nash-ish. I bet you've read lots of his shit cuz YOUR stuff is right along those lines sometimes. You are one of my favorite poets EVER!
i like the concept here, some lines are very eloquent though sometimes the subject isn't. the part about the potato made me sick though =(, but the whole metaphor really works in this poem. the only recommendation i'd make is to break the poem up into stanzas, but that's saved for artistic license
Happy Valentines day
awww thats a great valentines poem
Oh, yay, this popped up randomly, just like Larry the Phamtom Lark! Still funny and just about the right time!
28-33 is really spectacular!! thanks
Larry oh Larry I miss you.
Fabulous--exactly what I'd like to see in a Valentine! Love L38-39.
I liked this read. Muchos.
God am i feeling like a bit of rough this morning
Larry smoothy Lark
Happy Valentine's Day Larry, this poem is still awesome.