| the guy at blockbuster got the video wrong . . .
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root
| . . . so instead we talked about God. | 1 |
Not god, not | 2 |
'oh my' or | 3 |
'my walk with' or | 4 |
'don't you believe in' but | 5 |
without pretense of knowledge, | 6 |
renewed reverence for a being whose name we feign to know | 7 |
whose love we feign to share | 8 |
but how far are we from here or there? | 9 |
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as we talked the light of the TV grew foreign | 10 |
and strange, we | 11 |
spoke of people who inspired us | 12 |
whose convictions | 13 |
scared the shit out of us | 14 |
who didn't have to impress us with snappy clothes or clever words or the subtle ease of technology, | 15 |
and maybe we live with these distractions because we're too afraid of the alternative? | 16 |
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we could go to Africa | 17 |
instead digging wells and new relationships, learning, | 18 |
yearning, burning, turning from our symbiotic cynicism | 19 |
the shotgun wedding of our youth. | 20 |
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and who gives a rip about parental dissent or friends who find you strange, isn't | 21 |
the important thing to love what you're doing? | 22 |
(and isn't it strange to not really care | 23 |
what they would think anyway) | 24 |
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i don't really want to wake up tomorrow | 25 |
and not know what to do | 26 |
not care what to do | 27 |
pretend i forget what happened the night before | 28 |
but won't my old habits come back to my magnetic heart? | 29 |
dust to dust, and I don't think God appreciates the irony of it, either. | 30 |
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eyes stay open | 31 |
eyes stay open | 32 |
i think i've already lost | 33 |
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19 Feb 05 |
Rated 9.5 (9) by 10 users.
Active (10): 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (12): 1, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)
(10 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
i really like this, especially "won't my old habits come back to my magnetic heart"
— tragicbubble
Wow. This is a really awesome poem. Not only is it true. It sounds really good! I think 10 may be a bit wordy though. Good job.
— ShadyLynn
i like this, but like Shady stumbled on line 10 ... not quite sure why ... reading aloud flowed easier, but in-my-head not as smooth
but beautiful, thoughtful ... taking away a new look at an old diety
— Bloodfetish
very very nice!
special nights are hard to capture, harder still to capture the frustration felt attempting to capture a special night. good thing you can write.
really impressed by dust to dust as people to habits, God not appreciating irony, predicting youll pretend to forgot, give a rip is nice and strong, shotgun wedding of our youth and symbiotic cynicism are both excellent constructs, but together theyre just fantastic!, the excessive rhyming in 18 isnt excessive, it's got a nice drilling effect, suble easiness of technology, ahhh, 10 delivers us right into your special space via the foreign tv, but up until that line, i thought you were chatting with the blockbuster guy(!).
you should definately come back to this after a month or two and start touching it up. and certainly keep writing about the things you want to write about!
— gnormal
this is really great.
in line fourteen, ease would sound better than easiness.
— unknown
thank you for the comments, i am overwhelmed
yes, it was a special night. today has been good so far, too.
i'm so glad people can relate
— unknown
this is some good writing right here i really enjoyed reading this i
feel you
— lostkid
wonderful! this is beautiful! the way you are spun into your thoughts amazes me!
— SweetPain
what poetry should be :)
excellent.
— unknown
the tv is introduced like in a living room setting, rather than a tv in a video store setting. but that could easily be sorted.
not bad. i can see why lots are folk are into this. i don't personally relate to statements like this though.
(and isn't it strange to not really care 23
what they would think anyway) 24
cos it tastes niave in my mouth and i'm prompted to answer your question negatively. (ie: no. i can think of nothing stranger than caring what anyone else thinks)
however the two lines before that were spot on (where you aren't trying to empathise with the reader)
the following is the real highlight for me (apart from the title of course)
but won't my old habits come back to my magnetic heart? 29
dust to dust, and I don't think God appreciates the irony of it, either. 30
eyes stay open 31
eyes stay open 32
i think i've already lost 33
nice work. a well described conversation on life, the universe and everything.
kaleidazcope
— unknown
love, love LOVED the beginning especially! my only minor complaint would be line 19. a little redundant. maybe cut one of the words to flow better. or not, whatever you want. but i am still putting this in my favorites.
— duffyj83
excellent. i've had the same kind of situation with someone. we put a movie on and didn't get very interested in the movie, so we ended up talking about a lot of things.
i love those kinds of conversations. this is a very interesting take on that.
— mould_jesus
the first half of the poem is a lot stronger than the second, though all is beautiful. Aditionally, i love the last stanza. beautiful.
— ElegantWaste
wow, i really love this..
— shakeit
This really spoke to me today. The train of thought is one that runs through my head a lot. And the whole switching off the tv thing reinforces the way you'd like to turn your back on certain things. Some really thoughtful images and ideas that linger in the mind and deserve to be savoured and thought over. 'magnetic heart' 'shotgun wedding of our youth' are so effective. And the last 3 lines like a mantra. Lines 23-24 are the only ones that don't make sense to me. 'And isn't it strange to care' would maybe make more sense or am I being thick?
Anway, thank you and write some more please.
— smugzy
Wow, i had that conversation when i read this, well done!
— dmartin
The wonderful thing about you, poet, is that you were able to hold onto the feeling long enough to be able to write about it. That takes intelligence.
— OKcomputer
root... i'm really curious about what you are doing here with your line breaks. the enjambment here interests me because it does make the poem more
"conversational"... but i also feel as though the weight of some of your philosophical thoughts might be better punctuated with some end-stopped lines. just a thought.
i've been reading some of your other work and you seem to have quite a bit of talent... and you're very eclectic stylistically. some of your work rings of gertrude stein, WS Merwin, etcetera. you have emotional and intellectual depth in your poetry... some of your work is on the verge of the very beautiful.
— unknown
thanks to whoever made that last comment.
i suppose its a pipe dream of every poet that someone out there reads and appreciates their work but seldom comments.
i realize the chances are slim that you'll read this comment in reponse since yours was left about a month ago, but if you do, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.
certainly i will consider your critique here, i think i know what you mean. this was written in about 15 minute just prior to going to sleep at about 4:30 AM. i am still shocked at how well my brain processed the moment.
and now i think that's what a lot of poetry is about.
cheers,
root
— root
we could go to Africa 17
instead digging wells and new relationships, learning, 18
yearning, burning, turning from our symbiotic cynicism 19
the shotgun wedding of our youth.
I really love this stanza. I love this overall.
— unknown
This just came up on random. Really good. So easy to relate to. You not only bring us into the moment, but you leave us with that burning feeling you felt. And yes, go to Africa!
I don't like "yearning, burning" in L 20. "turning from our symbiotic cynicism" is so strong on its own.
Nice one.
— jerotich
This poem is like a little window into you.
What a treat.
x
— musicwords
i really enjoyed this! can you elaberate on l20? i really like it.
favorite.
— bear
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