poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Girl
Clitapher

I go to her games that are always fun,
 1
She kicks ass all the times I am not there,
 2
But when I go she seems like she is done.
 3
This was back in the day when I had hair.
 4
 
 
Give her phone calls almost every day,
 5
Our conversations are short and terse but
 6
Half the time I call I have to pay.
 7
Just as if I had got a huge cut.
 8
 
 
Every time we hang we have a blast,
 9
Get the best memories every time,
 10
Its just that it all goes by just so fast,
 11
But when I go its worth every dime.
 12
 
 
So do I let my emotions run high,
 13
Or should I give up, and let them run dry?
 14

This poem doesnt say everything thats happening and it has alot behind it to then to what is just said in the poem. btw its a sonnet.

23 Feb 05


(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

This is fucking horrible.
 — InMyBlood

Try not rhyming. Line 8 needs to go away. So does 10 and 12. Stop using slang. "every time we hang we have a blast" and "she kicks ass all the times I am not there" are not things you say in a poem. They don't even sound right. Don't use cliches such as line 14. LIne 5 is not gramatically correct. Even your foot note has incorrect grammer. Try again. This time, try not to write how you think or speak, but rather how you feel. Write a bunch down, then condense.
 — CantTell

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