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gray door (or red door #2)
hank

the red door that was a red door
 1
is not a red door
 2
it's a gray door
 3
it's a gray door because the boot
 4
finally made it through
 5
the red one
 6
or maybe it was the shoulder
 7
that did it
 8
 
 
and now it is gray
 9
has no white and blue sign
 10
no window
 11
solid steel
 12
and has no dents and no muddy boot marks.
 13
yet.
 14

refer to poem 'red door' for background.

27 Feb 05

Rated 6 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 6, 9, 9

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(234 more poems by this author)


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Comments:

first of all, its clever as usual.

but i think its sloppier, or maybe i just don't like your choices as much here.

i think most of all you should reconsider your punctuation and line breaks, which might sound rough because that is usually one of the most pleasant things about your poems.

specifically, i would bump 'the red one' from l5 to its own line
add semi-colin l2
not sure why you changed spelling of grey to gray in line 8 it just causes you to stumble
l12 take away the first and
 — unknown

forgot to login
 — root

root thanks for the excellent comments. bumping l5 to its own was a good see.
 — hank

yet. is a good ending.

this is now betteR

i like to watch betterings.
 — kaleidazcope

w/out the red door background, this one didn't stand on its own for me ... had to have both to understand ... as a pair, they're far more than interesting ... i like the rhythm and disjointed thought
 — Bloodfetish
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