|gray door (or red door #2)
the red door that was a red door
is not a red door
it's a gray door
it's a gray door because the boot
finally made it through
the red one
or maybe it was the shoulder
that did it
and now it is gray
has no white and blue sign
and has no dents and no muddy boot marks.
refer to poem 'red door' for background.
27 Feb 05
Rated 6 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (2): 9, 9
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first of all, its clever as usual.
but i think its sloppier, or maybe i just don't like your choices as much here.
i think most of all you should reconsider your punctuation and line breaks, which might sound rough because that is usually one of the most pleasant things about your poems.
specifically, i would bump 'the red one' from l5 to its own line
add semi-colin l2
not sure why you changed spelling of grey to gray in line 8 it just causes you to stumble
l12 take away the first and
forgot to login
root thanks for the excellent comments. bumping l5 to its own was a good see.
yet. is a good ending.
this is now betteR
i like to watch betterings.
w/out the red door background, this one didn't stand on its own for me ... had to have both to understand ... as a pair, they're far more than interesting ... i like the rhythm and disjointed thought
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