but i think its sloppier, or maybe i just don't like your choices as much here.
i think most of all you should reconsider your punctuation and line breaks, which might sound rough because that is usually one of the most pleasant things about your poems.
specifically, i would bump 'the red one' from l5 to its own line
add semi-colin l2
not sure why you changed spelling of grey to gray in line 8 it just causes you to stumble
l12 take away the first and — unknown
w/out the red door background, this one didn't stand on its own for me ... had to have both to understand ... as a pair, they're far more than interesting ... i like the rhythm and disjointed thought — Bloodfetish