|Criteria For a Home
When I looked
and bright panes
on your bare
and stretch toward
of your side
11 Feb 03
Rated 7.8 (7.3) by 10 users.
Active (10): 3, 6, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
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(define the words in this poem)
(34 more poems by this author)
(18 users consider this poem a favorite)
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i feel like it should go on. is there only one criteria?
i like this fine with one criteria (one criterion?). it could be expanded, maybe into how that bit of sun feels and why it's so important. hehe, this reminds me of that morning scene in the zefferelli romeo and juliet, when the sunlight comes in through the window and romeo stands up.
this is perfect.
is the poem sunshine or should I change the word sun to sunshine? because it's a tempting suggestion that requires more thought.
Beautiful poem. I agree that it should be expanded, not because of the title....but there is so much more body and so much more home to explore.
I really like that suggestion -- I'll keep it in mind
Leave 'sun'. 'Sunshine' is a bit cliché. Don't expand the poem at all, either, it's short and sweet, and it says enough already. I love it.
i was just going to say, sun is still a poet's word, sunshine is hokey.
and if you're going to work on expansion, leave this as it stands and write a new poem. this is nice too.
Yes, I decided on sun too (even before you suggested it). I really like the idea of expanding it though. I hate long poetry, so certainly not as one piece -- but I'm seriously considering a series of thematically linked poems.
I dont like this, it doesn't go into enough detail.
Really nice, a bit longer or a more develloped poem would be great.
Good job anyways.
William, you are an amazingly talented writer. Even this, not one of your best works, is very well done. There are signs of brilliance even in this simple work.
Ananke, I hope you didn't mean that "perfect" because I've done gone changed the linebreaks (notice a pattern?).
Comments on the version as-is?
Just came across this as a random poem.
This poem proves that beauty can come from something very simple.
This is great poetry.
This poem is the shizzle, izzle, gazizzle. LOVE it!
In other words, it's bad. That's only my opinion of course.
Nice! This is great. Well done.
(I don't think it should be longer, by the way)
Line 17 seems unecessary to me
and also the first two opening lines could be better said i thought
I like the way you write, it's definatly light years above the average
and this lovely poem reinforces that.
it's beautiful, though i'd prefer it without L17 as well
Yea, |17 is really redundant. For one thing is breaks the two-line stanza structure and is, well, just plain unnecessary.
it's simple and i can't really say why it is so good, but it is. i'm confused...
Short, sexy and perfect.
i love this
it was so dum
glad to see this on the top again.
i like the line breaks.
Sweet and simple, I really like it.
Oh yeah man, that's a very important quality to look for.
Were you tempted to leave line 17 by itself? I like it either way.
I like it but I was thinking maybe "panes" in l7 could be moved to the beginning of l8? Since "warm" and "bright" describe the panes of sun, put the adjectives on their own and combine the noun in one line. Just a thought. Otherwise, I love it. Briefness, when used properly, can be more powerful than a novel.
Very beautiful. I love it. As you have such a gift, maybe you should try to write longer poems or expand this one.
seems a little empty
I must say that as this is, it comes very close to pure brilliance.
People want you to expand it because they can see the simplistic beauty of your writing, but on the same note, expanding it would change, if not remove that element of purity and simplicity from it.
The beauty of your writing is that it captures everything that needs to be said in the most minimal and refined piece of poetry, and anything you add will, although it will no doubt expand and add to your piece, will in essence be somewhat unnecessary
My only thought to consider is that perhaps "every morning" (line 17) would work as a final stanza by itsself. I'm not sure, but it might leave it hanging more to finish on a 1 line stanza than on the build up of a 3 line conclusion.
This is the best love poem thats been posted on here for months .
what a pretty picture that paints. i love you.
This is pretty. Makes me think fondly of past lovers that I have woken with. It's short and sweet, the way a poem should be.
Better than its overall rating.
Wonderfully simple poetry.
it is complete with only one criteria. i appreciate the beautiful succinctness of this poem. it is more difficult to acheive to acheive this level of writing with fewer words to play with. bravo william--you are my favorite poet on this site
This is beautiful.
Dig it. Simple but effective.
I like the voice in this, william, but it's kind of vague. I'm not sure if that's just me, though.
i absolutely love it.
wow. this is great. i wanna go apartment hunting or something.
i like it
I Likethis because it is not long enough to exhaust the idea...
This poem is simple and perfect just the way it is. Not everything needs an elaborate explanation so that everyone else can figure it out. The writer knows exactly what it all means in his own heart and mind.
This makes me very happy.
This poem makes me horny.
OMG... I love the last stanza of this piece..... thanks for your comments on my work, as well. Do you have myspace? My name there is the same as my name here. So, you can just do /femmeinla at the end of the URL.
Short and sweet.
This is lovely, no wasted words or thoughts.
This reminded me of my first apartment, my first relationship, and the fact that it had no balcony! [and how it made me feel :(] but now all is well...lol, nice poem.
Still worth a 10, in my opinion.
The whole "Criteria" sections of the forum today reminded me of this. So I had to search it on down.
Always liked this one.
I love this!!
Oooh la la.
damn this was great ...
ooooooooh loverly. love this one too!
thanks you , Clara
this is fantastic!
Oh lovely simplicity! Kudos.
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