poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Criteria For a Home
william

When I looked
 1
at apartments
 2
  
 3
I wondered
 4
where warm
 5
  
 6
and bright panes
 7
of sun
 8
  
 9
would fall
 10
on your bare
 11
 
 
back
 12
and stretch toward
 13
  
 14
the curve
 15
of your side
 16
every morning.
 17

11 Feb 03

Rated 7.8 (7.3) by 10 users.
Active (10): 3, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (32): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(34 more poems by this author)

(18 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

i feel like it should go on. is there only one criteria?
 — done

i like this fine with one criteria (one criterion?). it could be expanded, maybe into how that bit of sun feels and why it's so important. hehe, this reminds me of that morning scene in the zefferelli romeo and juliet, when the sunlight comes in through the window and romeo stands up.
 — britta

this is perfect.
 — Ananke

sunshine
 — unknown

is the poem sunshine or should I change the word sun to sunshine? because it's a tempting suggestion that requires more thought.
 — unknown

Beautiful poem. I agree that it should be expanded, not because of the title....but there is so much more body and so much more home to explore.
 — unknown

I really like that suggestion -- I'll keep it in mind
 — unknown

Leave 'sun'. 'Sunshine' is a bit cliché. Don't expand the poem at all, either, it's short and sweet, and it says enough already. I love it.
 — Moose

i was just going to say, sun is still a poet's word, sunshine is hokey.

and if you're going to work on expansion, leave this as it stands and write a new poem. this is nice too.
 — jade

Yes, I decided on sun too (even before you suggested it). I really like the idea of expanding it though. I hate long poetry, so certainly not as one piece -- but I'm seriously considering a series of thematically linked poems.
 — unknown

I dont like this, it doesn't go into enough detail.
 — unknown

Bad...
 — unknown

Really nice, a bit longer or a more develloped poem would be great.
Good job anyways.
 — Username_5

William, you are an amazingly talented writer. Even this, not one of your best works, is very well done. There are signs of brilliance even in this simple work.
 — unknown

Ananke, I hope you didn't mean that "perfect" because I've done gone changed the linebreaks (notice a pattern?).

Comments on the version as-is?
 — william

Just came across this as a random poem.

This poem proves that beauty can come from something very simple.

This is great poetry.
 — unknown

This poem is the shizzle, izzle, gazizzle.  LOVE it!
 — aforbing

Point please?
 — unknown

In other words, it's bad.  That's only my opinion of course.
 — unknown

Nice! This is great. Well done.
 — Greg

(I don't think it should be longer, by the way)
 — Greg

Line 17 seems unecessary to me
and also the first two opening lines could be better said i thought
I like the way you write, it's definatly light years above the average
and this lovely poem reinforces that.
 — unknown

it's beautiful, though i'd prefer it without L17 as well
 — unknown

Yea, |17 is really redundant. For one thing is breaks the two-line stanza structure and is, well, just plain unnecessary.
 — unknown

it's simple and i can't really say why it is so good, but it is. i'm confused...
 — dmartin

Short, sexy and perfect.
 — Isabelle5

i love this
 — tragicbubble

it was so dum
 — unknown

glad to see this on the top again.
i like the line breaks.
more perfect.
 — Ananke

Sweet and simple, I really like it.
 — Cloudless

Oh yeah man, that's a very important quality to look for.
Were you tempted to leave line 17 by itself?  I like it either way.
 — housepoppy

I like it but I was thinking maybe "panes" in l7 could be moved to the beginning of l8? Since "warm" and "bright" describe the panes of sun, put the adjectives on their own and combine the noun in one line. Just a thought. Otherwise, I love it. Briefness, when used properly, can be more powerful than a novel.
 — soda482

Very beautiful. I love it. As you have such a gift, maybe you should try to write longer poems or expand this one.
 — smugzy

seems a little empty
 — Bitterman

I must say that as this is, it comes very close to pure brilliance.
People want you to expand it because they can see the simplistic beauty of your writing, but on the same note, expanding it would change, if not remove that element of purity and simplicity from it.

The beauty of your writing is that it captures everything that needs to be said in the most minimal and refined piece of poetry, and anything you add will, although it will no doubt expand and add to your piece, will in essence be somewhat unnecessary

My only thought to consider is that perhaps "every morning" (line 17) would work as a final stanza by itsself. I'm not sure, but it might leave it hanging more to finish on a 1 line stanza than on the build up of a 3 line conclusion.

Well done.
 — DannyMacabre

This is the best love poem thats been posted on here for months .
 — larrylark

what a pretty picture that paints. i love you.
 — unknown

This is pretty. Makes me think fondly of past lovers that I have woken with. It's short and sweet, the way a poem should be.
 — LivingLies

meow.
 — unknown

Better than its overall rating.

Wonderfully simple poetry.
 — unknown

it is complete with only one criteria. i appreciate the beautiful succinctness of this poem. it is more difficult to acheive to acheive this level of writing with fewer words to play with. bravo william--you are my favorite poet on this site
 — Xiada

Wow.

Outstanding.

10
 — themolly

A "10"

This is beautiful.
 — Quichemarie

Dig it. Simple but effective.

:)
 — unknown

I like the voice in this, william, but it's kind of vague. I'm not sure if that's just me, though.
-hear
 — unknown

i absolutely love it.
 — unknown

wow. this is great. i wanna go apartment hunting or something.
 — callmelove

i like it
 — tragicbubble

I Likethis because it is not long enough to exhaust the idea...
 — Nostalgia

Simple.  Good.
 — asa

Beautifuly simple.
 — dia

This poem is simple and perfect just the way it is. Not everything needs an elaborate explanation so that everyone else can figure it out. The writer knows exactly what it all means in his own heart and mind.
 — Andiam

This makes me very happy.
 — iamswanson

This poem makes me horny.
 — unknown

OMG... I love the last stanza of this piece.....  thanks for your comments on my work, as well.  Do you have myspace?  My name there is the same as my name here.  So, you can just do /femmeinla at the end of the URL.
 — FemmeInLA

Short and sweet.
 — stateofmind

This is lovely, no wasted words or thoughts.  
 — sybarite

This reminded me of my first apartment, my first relationship, and the fact that it had no balcony! [and how it made me feel :(]  but now all is well...lol, nice poem.
 — elDICE

Still worth a 10, in my opinion.
 — Isabelle5

The whole "Criteria" sections of the forum today reminded me of this.  So I had to search it on down.

Always liked this one.
 — OldShoe

I love this!!
:-D
Oooh la la.
 — mandolyn

damn this was great ...
 — psychofemale

ooooooooh loverly. love this one too!

thanks you , Clara
 — unknown

this is fantastic!
 — readmore

Oh lovely simplicity!  Kudos.
 — sybarite

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