poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Poet and her Musician
Isabelle5

She was a poet
 1
who wrote of his music,
 2
he was a musician
 3
who put sound to her words.
 4
 
 
Together they danced on the sands by the ocean,
 5
the scent of the centuries alive on their skin.
 6
 
 
He liked his smoking
 7
and she liked her tea;
 8
they turned up their noses
 9
at each other’s addictions
 10
 
 
but she was a poet
 11
who used kisses as music,
 12
he was a musician
 13
who put sound to her touch.
 14
 
 
Together, they crafted
 15
small spaces of quiet
 16
filled up with the sounds
 17
of their hearts
 18
touching softly.
 19
 
 
Sometimes she’d touch him
 20
and weep from his magic;
 21
he’d watch her and wonder,
 22
intrigued by his power.
 23
 
 
At the drop of one heartbeat,
 24
he was torn from her arms,
 25
the enemy lovely,
 26
fresh with youth and strong hormones.
 27
His magic had drawn her,
 28
his poet was shattered,
 29
left wandering lonely along the high coast.
 30
 
 
The horizon was blue,
 31
his favorite color,
 32
the scent of his skin stronger than the black sea.
 33
Easier done than imagined,
 34
one step from the cliff top,
 35
reaching back for his hand,
 36
finding nothing but echoes
 37
of him calling for her,
 38
dancing forward toward free fall.
 39
 
 
Salty air spun around her,
 40
the spray was enchanting
 41
with rainbows and starlight
 42
as she dropped through the night.
 43
As she passed him, she whispered,
 44
“I’ll be yours forever,”
 45
but he was too busy with flowers and rings.
 46
 
 
A couple is dancing on the sands of the ocean,
 47
the scent of her memories alive on his skin.
 48

8 Mar 05

Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
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Comments:

oh wow. I love this. -always
 — unknown

There is a certain melodrama, but it works beautifully - I love lines 40-46 - that bit is so beautiful. Read it like a novel.
 — opal

Very strong, a beautiful work. The few things to adjust are removal of 'Oh,' from L40 and rewording of 'strong hormones' to 'pheromones' for subtlety. Also, you may wish to add or change some things in the last three stanzas to make what happened more understandable.
 — FangzOfFire

Thanks for the suggestions, Fangz.  I can change the Oh but the hormone thing is vital to the piece as it's the fact that the young "enemy" is still able to have children and the poet is too old for that now.  That isn't implied in here but that's the point of the word.  
 — Isabelle5

As Opal stated a touch of the melodramatic, but good pace and pretty language.
 — unknown

I was going for a gothic feel so to all who said melodramatic, THANKS!!!!
 — Isabelle5

this is beautiful ... tragic ... melodramatic ... of course, i wish just whack him on his pointed head ...
 — Bloodfetish

one of my fav, excellent!
 — Odin

Oh, my own random poem!  I love remembering what I was doing (and whom) when I re-read my stuff.
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle, this is my favorite of yours. It was a delight to read. ~Quichemarie
 — unknown

Oh, what a lovely poem, I like the melodramatic feel to it, how sad that she was dropped by his youth. This speaks to my heart.
I love the words you use and I honestly can't find one thing I would change.
 — marieF

haha
this reminds me of that one song by avril lavigne
what is it called?
oh yeah "skater boy"
 — fahrenheit

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