We take the subway,
she and I
talk about the future.
small in the city,
doesn't want to
Later, in the park we
watch planes fly overhead.
She lies near me
in the grass
but that is all.
plastic dinosaurs hang
from ceiling. I
ask her what we are doing
“Did you know?” she says,
lifting the wooden
flap, “An earthworm
has five hearts
through its skin.”
I watch her in the glass
earthworms move through
Later, I drop her
What to make
of these things
in a world
is a scale model of
She is studying
I am trying
9 Mar 05
Rated 8.5 (7.9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 5, 8, 9
Inactive (16): 1, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
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I like this. I would delete l3 - unnecessary wording - the poem alludes to who you are talking about. Take out 'later' in l12 and 34 - again, unnecessary.
The ending is wonderful.
some bits could be unbittified maybe.
I am charmed by the last two lines. The entire piece carries that feeling of being slightly disconnected, which is obviously the point and so cleverly done.
This is really good.
I agree with kal about the laters. In addition, I would consider deleting the "but" in line 39 and the "even" in line 40.
I like the structure. The ending is especially strong.
Perhaps after line 30, a comma.
But, dear poet, how I loved this work.
And you will worm your way under the beautiful building she designed and send it tumbling to the ground.Really nice poem with a detached feel
up and under, up and under - very nicely expressed,
i really like this
its quite good
i like it, it goes with my mood for the day, the mood where you're with someone but you have no idea if that person wants to be with you.
This is like a jewelled collage capturing so perfectly the colour passion and dreamy feelings and thoughts that people fall into
this is the reason why I read poetry
I appreciate the worm metaphor a lot.
The spacing here is irritating - and while probably not entirely purposeless, I don't think you get much from it. This is basically prose with sloppy punctuation (use semicolons or add connecting words) why not space it more like prose? To space it like abstract poetry will fool some people who don't read carefully into thinking it is deeper... but are those people your ideal audience?
The division into three sections also seems relatively unnecesary; the story is clear enough to understand the passage of time (that's a good thing). Honestly, it's kindof impressive that you can delineate rich imagery in a prose format. Why fritter that effect away?
Missing the word "the" in line 21, and a few other places it would help.
You could probably come up with a more specific word than "trying" for line 50 - or somehow get more out of that phrase.
Here's a version in prose format, so you can see it:
We take the subway; she and I talk about the future. That day, small in the city,
skyscrapers reflect everything. She doesn't want to talk of love. Later, in the park, we watch planes fly overhead. She lies near me in the grass, but that is all.
The zoo, children's room, plastic dinosaurs hang from the ceiling. I ask her what we are doing tomorrow. “Did you know?” she says, lifting the wooden flap, “An earthworm has five hearts and breathes through its skin.” I watch her in the glass; earthworms move through the dirt.
Later, I drop her back at her house. We kiss a little but talk even less. What to make of these things in a world where everything is a scale model of something else? She is studying to become an architect. I am trying to become a worm.
Here's an alternate spacing... perhaps this 2-line format helps reinforce the idea of uneven dialog, comparison, and scale models that the poem revolves around:
We take the subway;
she and I talk about the future.
That day, small in the city,
skyscrapers reflect everything.
She doesn't want
to talk of love.
Later, in the park, we watch planes fly overhead.
She lies near me in the grass, but that is all.
The zoo, children's room, plastic dinosaurs hang from the ceiling.
I ask her what we are doing tomorrow.
“Did you know?” she says, lifting the wooden flap,
“An earthworm has five hearts and breathes through its skin.”
I watch her in the glass;
earthworms move through the dirt.
Later, I drop her back at her house.
We kiss a little but talk even less.
What to make of these things in a world
where everything is a scale model of something else?
She is studying to become an architect.
I am trying to become a worm.
For some reason the site didn't log me as posting the above comment - it's eajohnson1
I had a feeling this poem was yours when I read it first. Good to see some recent work. Enjoyed from start to finish. Take good care.
I don't like this because it's like reading a story that I'm not interested in. Make it tongue-in-cheek. Make it flow like a river of rhymes. Try and make it more compact.
I fell in love with it again.
gggoooood. i like you r poems
i miss your writing too. this is very good.
I love this. Come back. I want more of your writing.
I really love how you end all your poems.