| Just a Shallow Girl
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SweetPain
| Filling with your vanity | 1 |
this shallow pool of blood; | 2 |
no longer floating slow and frothy to the top | 3 |
but falling to the bottom, | 4 |
a shallow wingless drone. | 5 |
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11 Mar 05 |
Rated 8 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 8
Inactive (13): 1, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(108 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
comments?
— SweetPain
non, well this is a first.
— SweetPain
vague but good imagery.
— unknown
Thank you very much unknown.
— unknown
Nothing more to say about this poem at all?
— SweetPain
You seemed so desperate for some input. I can see it as I read it. I'm not sure what you were going for though.
— Othrwize
its just about a shallow girl i dont particulary agree. -SweetPain-
— unknown
i sense a bitter but sweet jelousy in this poem...
— mike
the grammar isn't correct ("bottom" "the lump of crap" in | 3) much less does it have any poetic merit.
— unknown
well thankyou mike and unknown. i take both of your critiques to heart.
— SweetPain
i changed around the last line, thank you for all your help.
— SweetPain
Cool poem, i like it.....has meaning to me!!...
— crazy
i wouldn't use shallow in l1, because it feels too redundant and loses its punch. i would take it out completely in the whole poem except for the title. i think i'd change l3 to: "but fall to the bottom like the rest of them". i think that way you aren't being too wordy.
— sassybnyss
FUCKING LOVE THIS POEM!!! IT'S REALLY GREAT!
— boyboy
thanx to crazy, boy boy and to sassybnyss i dont really agree with you sorry darlin'. but im am totally and completly shocked at these rating. im actually kind of baffled, this poem really isnt that great.
— SweetPain
I... don't know how i feel about it. At first I really didn't like it, then I was like, well maybe its ok, and now I see some deeper implications in it. I think I would like it a lot if it was longer and well- just more about something.
— Cloudless
thankyou for being specific Cloudless. *confused look*
— SweetPain
but thanx anyhow.
— SweetPain
this rings with truth. good job.
— themolly
i'm reading what themollyreads cos it's a sort of releasing of decision that i dig right now.
work with your layout maybe
and swap the first half and last half of the first line around maybe so you have a stronger start
— kaleidazcope
thankyou Kaleidazcope, and themolly.
— SweetPain
is this what you ment Kaleidazcope?
— SweetPain
interesting, very deep, not sure I got all of it. 7
— sweetascandy
i dont get all of it either. thankyou sweetascandy!
— SweetPain
I like this one, so I'll hopefully give it a long critique. Your title could be more simple , like Shallow Girl.
i'm going to take the liberty of helping this one out. You have very good stuff here though, It could just be a bit more, add more adjectives, and work on the layout.
"This shallow pool
Filled with deep crimson red
Swallowed by your vanity
Floating slow and frothy
no longer.
Falling to the dismay.
Shallow drones
sitting at the bottome
Waiting for my arrival"
Erm... that's kind of a bad example but you get the picture. what you have is good otherwise.
— Gabriella
thankyou Gabriella!
— SweetPain
Shallow drones implies bees, not a girl, to my mind.
I think it's the presentation that's not right. Try shorter lines.
Filling with your vanity
this shallow pool of blood;
no longer floating slow and frothy to the top
but falling to the bottom,
a shallow wingless drone.
See the difference in intensity? When a poem is this short, it has to be close and tight to make it powerful.
My humble O only, of course.
— Isabelle5
made me cry, wow, nice?
-Sam' xx
— unknown
thanks you very much Isabelle5 and Sam! - SweetPain -
— unknown
changes made, i like this version better, thankyou very much Isabelle5.
— SweetPain
SP - ^that comment wasn't from me. I am not critiquing poems 'til this settles. Ignore any of those comments.
— sam
I love it this way.
— Isabelle5
i feel so bad for you sam :(, that asshole should be shot. and thanks isabelle5, of course you love it this way :P
— SweetPain
ewww, frothy blood!!
— unknown
yes, frothy blood, lol.
— SweetPain
slip, worker bee, depth.
sediment, hmm..
— Meep
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