| Dharma Swan Song
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themolly
| A bright flash flickered...then almost completely out. | 1 |
All the fireworks were sweat doused. | 2 |
Just before the man came to sweep the floor, | 3 |
one last spark rainbowed out the door. | 4 |
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Proverbial in its timing, | 5 |
poetic without rhyming, | 6 |
dancing in a rhythmless trance, | 7 |
the rainbowing light did dance. | 8 |
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How long could an eye stop to watch? | 9 |
It must have been my life, | 10 |
I couldn't stop. | 11 |
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Turned to stone, hypnotized, | 12 |
caught in a glance. | 13 |
Deafened, but focused | 14 |
closely calling our last chance. | 15 |
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14 Mar 05 |
Rated 7.2 (6.5) by 7 users.
Active (7): 6, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 5, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(51 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
I would really like to get some feedback.....
— themolly
the rhyme of the first two line is redundant, uncreative
7/8 some more redundancy with dancing
you lost me at line 9, but the idea of the first 8 lines is good.
— unknown
Mr. Coward Lee Unknown,
At times, redundancy is purposeful....not uncreative. For emphasis and memory, it is essential to this piece, (as far as I, THE AUTHOR, is concerned.) But thank you for the blank criticism.
— themolly
sorry i forgot to sign in.
i'm just telling you how it is to my eyes; you asked for feedback, i'm lettting you know.
anaphora/repetition can be done well, in my opinion it isn't done so well here, it just seems convenient.
i give blank criticism freely. i stand by my words; you lose me at the end.
last chance at what? too much abstraction.
root
— root
I don't care for this ping pong bantar. To get to the point, if you have a suggestion, suggest! If you have a cruel criticism, keep it to yourself. I need help, not attitude.
— themolly
not meaning to be cruel or give attitude, maybe its just a little too blunt for you.
i think you've got a great eye for critiquing, and seemed to take it really well on the draft of your other piece, so i wanted to help you out here, since you asked for feedback.
sorry you don't appreciate my brand of critique, i think you've got some good ideas in this one but its a bit abstract for me. i only have a vague sense of what its about when i finish, i need to grasp a poem to enjoy it. that's my take
later
— root
i'd like to see the original as i'm not sure what's happening ... i like the line breaks, use of the language, internal rhyme and repitition ... the flow is lovely ... but at the end, i'm wondering ....
are we seeing the end of the universe in this? the final spark going dim? or the rebirth? dharma, as a concept, carries a lot of weight. i can't help but try to understand in this in terms of the universe, buddha and *everything*
— Bloodfetish
i like this a lot more than the other one.
i believe the opening line could be condensed, you could say the same thing with less words.
i like the use of rainbow.
of course a spark would arc.
nice.
How long could an eye stop and watch? 9
It must have been all my life, 10
I couldn't stop. 11
I read this as follows: because my eyes see what they want to see and not what is there.
How long could an eye stop a watch?
It must have been my life,
I couldn't stop.
Not so different, but differenter.
15 gazing seems a more wishy washy word than is appropriate.
that could also be said about some other words used in the last stanza.
push your vocabularly. not so you use words that any pedestrian passerby would need to use a dictionary to understand, but something that stretches the meaning of a word beyond it's usual confines.
— kaleidazcope
I love the abstracity, it allows for free interpretation.
Whatever some may say, try not to lose that, there's no need to be absolutely particular and exact.
I like the tense mood of it, dancing, petrified, frozen, it seems to be a poem about a last call of desperation to me.
— unknown
i like the tension the poem builds, keeps it interesting and at the same time has meaning and rythm. Very good, almost reminds me of shakespear.
— infinity
Whoa. A William S. reference. Thank you kindly.
— themolly
Dharma=the extra extensions of kindness and wholeheartedness toward humanity that accumulate into bonus points throughout your lives.
Swan Song= the finale.
Any questions?
— themolly
as in the last bit of benevolence has been rung from me
— themolly
The rhyming still is truly amazing, I am blown away
Love it, Love it
— HeidiHo
This is so blah=
— unknown
this is like that movie! oh-i can't think of it.
— unknown
WHAT movie?
— unknown
1 dicks
— unknown
O MY GOD. PEOPLE ARE DUMB
— BoundFeet
You go woman! This is so awesome. I have known you forever and never knew how talented you were. UNREAL
— tiedtoes
I like this. It's relative to everything.
— unknown
thanks
— unknown
I like this.
— Hear
oh thanks
— unknown
Lost.
— unknown
wow, awesome.
— Doulos
thanks doulos. this is one of my personal faves.
— unknown
Lost!!!!!!!!! ;)
— unknown
who the f keeps typing lost on this poem?
And what the fruck are you trying to convey!?!?!
— unknown
muthatrucker
— unknown
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST!!!!!!!!! ;)
— unknown
LOST....
— unknown
LOST...........
— unknown
I liked lines 4 8 15 16 23 and 42
— unknown
somebody really sucks.
— themolly
I liked same lines too!!
— unknown
Take a look at this symbol ...
ht tp://img393.imageshack.us/img393/5746/dharma4du.jpg
And then take a look on the second season of LOST (on the abc) ...
Oh!! ... and lines 4 8 15 16 23 and 42 are GREAT!! ;)
— unknown
oh. That's why you said lost. Now I get it.
I've never seen Lost.
That symbol is crazy cool.
— unknown
4 8 15 16 23 42 ....
— unknown
whatthehell are you talking about? some of those lines don't even exist!!
— unknown
Really exists ... but you can't see them
http://www.entil2001.com/series/lost/season1/lost1-18p2.jpg
And I liked that lines too
— unknown
Ther Others are comming
— unknown
ok genius. all three of your links are 404 errors.
you're so smart.
— unknown
and you forgot to disable your html command.
ooo you're four for four on the twirp scale.
wanna go for five?
— unknown
Well this seems like a bug on the page code ... but you can copy&paste the link to an Intertet Explorer ... you're so smart too ;)
— unknown
good god! Are you obsessed with that show or something?
— unknown
Everybody is
— unknown
Do you know Desmond?
— unknown
Sure do. We're happy ever after in the marketplace. I'm still singing in the band.
Very funny.
— themolly
I think that the makers of LOST put this poem up to confuse all of the people who looked up dharma and swan after the show on 10/5/05. I'm one of those suckers.
— unknown
wrong. I wrote this a really long time ago and posted it last March.
Nice try though.
— themolly
THE STATION THREE - SWAN
— unknown
The DHARMA Initiative (c) 1970 all rights reserved
— unknown
what was the point of that?
really.
— unknown
108
— unknown
Hurry hurry come with me!!!
— unknown
DESMOND AND JACK...THE BROTHERS
— unknown
i must say, that's the first time i've ever heard any conjugations of 'time' and 'rhyme' used together like that.
— VA
thanks? i guess
— unknown
Tonite at 9 central on the abc!!!!
— unknown
no one cares about that stupid show, man!!!!!
You really need to read more.
— unknown
Hey, are you going to write another poem about de Dharma Arrow Song?
— unknown
with 108 lines..
— unknown
I don't watch the damn show. i don't get your lame ass Lost references.
Give it the f--- up please. you're graffiti is useful elsewhere.
Toodles--
— unknown
Foking baseball!!!!
— unknown
At last!!! ... another episode!!! :D
... They're coming and they're close ...
— unknown
4 8 15 16 23 42
— unknown
maybe i just dont appreciate rhyming that much in contemporary poetry.
maybe its just me
— joshcoops
sometimes I rhyme, sometimes I don't, sometimes I'm contemporary, sometimes I'm old...hehe
— themolly
i am so jaded in this. the material is fantastic but the rhyme scheme is to literal. Out and doused is a wonderful turn of rhyme but door, floor, trance, dance, glance, chance are so straightforward. I just feel like you have a great message but it is weakened by your desire for this rhyme scheme. you have a great voice... screw the ryhme
— newslang5
thanks. this was originally written about 13 years ago. I was a about 16. I've really considered ripping this into pieces and changing it around, but part of me feels that it's too old and too special to monkey around with.
— themolly
You truly have a vivid imagination, your poetry swirls in colors and dances in a cosmos of meaning. You are the best poet I have read so far on this site.
— Eloha
wow. thanks eloha. you are too complimentary...and I couldn't disagree with you more. there are so many talented writers here that I often feel so remedial.
Thank you VERY VERY much for the enormous compliment.
— themolly
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