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dying electric
tragicbubble

this electric touch is honestly
 1
too much for me, too raw, too uncontrolled
 2
and though we fit perfectly like
 3
ying and yang like black and white
 4
like this is how it’s meant-to-be-kind of perfection
 5
 
 
this contact is just too charmingly grim,
 6
and I’m afraid it’s too much like an illusion.
 7
Afraid that if I blink just once you’ll disappear
 8
heartless and selfish, absolute in purpose
 9
you’ll just slide through the pink dawn,
 10
 
 
that in the morning we’ll forget it happened
 11
that we’ll just think we dreamed it, think
 12
that the grind of hips into sheets was just an idea,
 13
that the slow crush of lips was imagined, and everything
 14
was all made-up,
 15
 
 
and if i shut my eyes just once,
 16
you'll disapear like pink sky
 17
turns blue again,
 18
 
 
but its not yet
 19
and I  want to
 20
die electric.
 21

listened to blood fetish and changed somethings

16 Mar 05

Rated 7.5 (8.2) by 4 users.
Active (4): 7, 7, 8
Inactive (3): 8, 9, 9, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(46 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

*o yeah*
this is riddled with beautiful thoughts and ideas, words and flow ...
there are some line breaks i'd like to see a bit stronger ... my personal tastes are for harder line endings:

line 3 does nicely ending on the soft word "like..."
but it's followed with another soft ending (like) at line 4 ... possibly moving like to begin line 5

line 12 is soft with "that the..." ... perhaps moving that down to the next line ... it throws off the count ... but i think it's tighter

same with lines 13, 14 and 15 ... soft endings with "that," "was" and "by" ...

i can't pick a favorite image .... but dying electric is delicious
 — Bloodfetish

i like this, and not just cos you were the only one to give me confidence when i really needed it on a poem.
though you did. and i thank you for it.

charmingly grim, describes things very well

i can't add much to fletty's comments.
 — kaleidazcope

Dying electric really reminds me of the French la petite morte, which is what they call orgasm.  Dying electric is a strong image.  The rest of the poem was a bit long for my taste and I thought that you could drop some things yet keep the power.  Just my opinion as Sam and aforbing have echoed in my head so long now that my poetry seems to be shrinking daily - my white space is going away.  Still, this is a lovely piece.
 — Isabelle5

i keep coming back to this one.
i'm glad i did.
 — Bloodfetish

nice.
 — themolly

very nice, very nice. It reads like one whirling panick attack type thought, i dont know if that makes anysense to you. (8)
 — SweetPain

Tragic - I don't think your poems are read enough. You have a wonderful voice. I look forward to reading more.

Sam xx
 — sam

Good
 — smiddy

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