poetry critical

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for josh, upon realizing i still love him
KatinaChoo

you find me when the power goes out.
 1
your hands find mine and you ask me, matter-of-factly, if i used to wear more rings. I did. I used to do a lot.
 2
i missed you these past six months, i want to say. but instead i said nothing at all.
 3
nick lights candles, and i untangle our hands. you make me wish i knew what i wanted.
 4

19 Mar 05

Rated 8 (7.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 6, 7, 8, 10

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Comments:

coments?
 — unknown

gah! i hate this!
 — unknown

I've got comments. hehe.
IMO- other than the fact this is just a bunch of disjointed phrases linked together, it's actually pretty decent.  

Also, I'd go ahead and six the repeat of 'six months'. I'd say, "I' missed you these past six months of suicide." I know it sounds a lot more 'what the fuck', but if you think about it, you might realize it's better. I strive to not use the same words in the same stanza in poetry. As should you, taleneted girl.

-Zr
 — ramher

Rather than six, nix.
 — ramher

great idea! changed!
 — KatinaChoo

i think that last change makes it flow a lot better...thanks, ramher
 — KatinaChoo

i'd love to see this rebroken next to the way it is now to se if breaks can help it breathe. so i'm going to copy it into word.




i like it both ways.
 — noodleman

You are a wonderful poet. One of my favorites on this website. I can't believe I didn't discover you earlier. Please keep writing.
 — OKcomputer

It's not bad.
6
 — lieskilllies

thank you
 — unknown

nice poem
 — hank

many thanks
 — KatinaChoo

GAY
 — unknown

this is very shweeet. i like it , its breathless and free.
 — jittery

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