| language experiment I,I,I
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root
| Ming Lao works in a China-mine, | 1 |
Its where he spends his China-time; | 2 |
For sixty hours a week or more | 3 |
Ming scrapes his cave for China-ore. | 4 |
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Les Smith's a US-businessman | 5 |
With a five-year busy-ness plan. | 6 |
To grow US-economy, | 7 |
He drives a U.S.S. UV. | 8 |
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Khalid hates Les with all Is' might | 9 |
And two bombs make an Islam right; | 10 |
As Allah smiles, the terror machine | 11 |
Begets Islamic Smithereens. | 12 |
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I suppose it would help if I clarified what this experiment is about: I got the idea when I heard on the news the other day that some 60 Chinese miners were killed in another mining accident. If you don't already know, the mining industry in China is notoriously dangerous and the government has done basically nothing to make things better.
After finishing the article, I saw potential for another language experiment, where I could parody/satirize some pop culture trends by coupling words together to expose some of the more ridiculous ideologies of each nation.
Specifically, Communism in China, Capitalism in America, Religious Zealotry in the Middle East (Islam).
My invitation to all readers it to conclude the previous stanzas or to add your own. More than the previous two experiments, this one is interactive, so I hope a few more people decide to tack on their own ideas. Enjoy! |
19 Mar 05 |
Rated 6.8 (7.9) by 6 users.
Active (6): 1, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (6): 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)
(8 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
don't get it
— unknown
Jim ships opium out to China-fine;
He won't ever be caught or do jail-time.
His neighbour spends his dough on whores,
But Ming's secret addiction lies in the poppy-store.
Hrm. These are difficult to do. Mad props, dude. Yours whips mine time after time, any day. ^_- I love your language experiments. Keep doing them.
The rhymes and rhythms of these are awesome without sounding too silly. It sort of reminds me of "here we go". Again, mad props. :)
-wendz
— unknown
Nicely done Wendz! A difficult task met head on.
I could have concluded it myself, but wanted to see if the poem would be enough to get people to write their own satiric stanza.
Any other takers? (C'mon... you know you wanna...)
— root
*bump in the night*
— root
dangit ... i like this, though the rhyme is stilted ... it does make me want to add verse or two of my own ... hmmmm ... have to give it some thought
— Bloodfetish
Jim calls the moment inception:
"Verily, I say conception
is the moment of life you see,
and moment's end -- death penalty."
— Bloodfetish
An excellent supplemental stanza, Bloo.d
I guess Jim is probably from Texas? :)
His authoritative tone on the subject reminds me of another goober texan who shall remain nameless.
I should also say that "Lunch with Lois" largely inspired some of the creative lines here (U.S.S. UV, Smithereens). Wordplay is so fun.
Thanks for coming back here!
— root
U.S.S. UV is better than anything i had in LL ... i may steal it one day for one of my newspaper columns ... 'tis brilliant.
— unknown
this is so cool!
instant favorite. 10.
— noodleman
oh! it's you root! props!!!!!
— noodleman
i like it a lot too.
— kaleidazcope
Please do use U.S.S. if you can find a place for it! I am happy that the cosmos found me a suitable vessel for that pun--please pass it along.
But "up, up and away" in LL was amazing. Along with soup her, etc. Like I said, inspiring in a strange way seen here.
Noodle and Kal, always a pleasure to get your comments. Care to try a stanza?
— root
very cool
— TPTNW
Adding this to my favorites. Brilliant.
— Leigh
Wow Fantastic explanation,interesting poem with a real experimental feel
— larrylark
love this.
it feels like L6 needs another syllable.
but i am faving it nonetheless.
— ileviyou
dude,
nicely done.
the thing that makes this all-the-more interesting is that *ironically* these activities are all interconnected.
welcome, globalization.
-xiada
p.s. i'm living in china, nearby where that sad mine explosion happened. but we cant just regulate mines--what are you crazy?? that would mean lower production, then the GDP would go down...and afterall we can't have that.
— Xiada
Israel’s democracy a blatant theocracy
Snatch-grabbing land for Euro sanctuary
Building a wall after the Berlin fall
As we tune for a nuke apology
— unknown
Khalid hates Jim with all Is' might 9
And two bombs make an Islam right; 10
As Allah smiles, the terror machine 11
Begets Islamic Smithereens.
this i find highly offensive. the way you have portrayed the islamic people in this stanza is quite slanted, in quite an obscure negative way. Maybe you could make it seem more like "And to him...". Not as if his religion is saying these things. I must admit my opinion is quite biased, but still i did get offended by this stanza though that might have not been your intention.
— SweetPain
this piece is a satire.
i thought that was clear from the explanation. for clarification, i don't necessarily think these systems--communism, capitalism, religious zealotry--are bad, but these common manifestations when they are taken to an extreme obviously are.
i am mocking one-sided ideology. if that offends you, i'm going to add a stanza dedicated to you.
btw, that most recent entry by unknown is really nice.
and thanks to everyone for feedback since my last comment--i had no idea this was so well-liked until just now.
— root
To: root, are you considering adding it as a Stanza? Maybe to stay in Line with the spirit of the poem you can change it to:
Aharon's democracy a blatant theocracy
Snatch-grabbing land for Euro sanctuary
Building a wall after the Berlin fall
As we tune for a nuke apology
From: most recent entry by unknown
— unknown
you definately have to change some words (i dont know wich) to convey your sarcasm, because as of now, it just looks racist.. dont be afraid to go further. maybe hint somehow in the title that this is supose to be a satire... good idea, but not that great of a poem.
oh and just a note: the individuals who attacked the world trade center were from egypt, saudi arabia, and some help from europe. (i think the nytimes took the poll that said '68% of american citizens across the nation inaccurately belives that iraq played an important role in the attack on the world trade center)... just a thought...
— mishambootie
Brilliant :D
— CervusWright
Jean-luc is a pompous Quebecois,
who hates the anglo 'square-head' flaw.
John Luke is a greedy Qwebecer;
He loathes the franco emo poseurs.
enfin qui gagne?
( The above is rag-tag shit; your poem is wonderful )
— unknown
mishambootie, thank you for your totally irrelevant commentary. personally i think you're wacky if you find this racist instead of simple satire.
the jean-luc strophe comes closer to matching my form than any of the others i've seen, but i won't add any to the end here; you guys deserve credit for what you write, and i'm thrilled that people continue to respond with their own stanzas.
cheers guys
— root
OK mishambootie; I can see how you might have thought the 'two bombs' refers to the attacks on the WTC, but that's a bit of a stretch. As for saying outright that I made the assumption of such bombings being done by Iraqis, there is no validation for that anywhere in this poem or its commentary. Khalid is from 'Islam', which is a religion that encompasses many nations in the region, including all of the ones that harbor modern day terrorists.
And I realize that many followers of Islam are humane, decent and rational people, but so are many Americans and Chinese; that is not my concern here.
— root
nice.
— listen
Capitalism in America indeed:
1 Ol' Hobo James lives in the park
2 Preferring Starbucks after dark
3 His latte costs a buck per ounce,
4 No wonder James ain't got a house!
I love your poem, it's great stuff and I'm happy to bump it onto the "Recently Commented".
Teo.
— unknown
Khalid hates Les with all Is' might
And two bombs make an Islam right;
As Allah smiles, the terror machine
Begets Islamic Smithereens.
It's very interesting that you have found such a simplistic explanation to all of the middle east's problems; that Khalid simply hates Les for no particular reason; that he was born with this genetic hate for poor ol' harmless Les who's only sin was driving a USS UV. And then you insinuate that this religion's God is a sadist creation who urges His followers into acts of terror just to satisfy his appetite.
I am going to ask you a question and please answer this as honestly as possible;
Did you read anything about Islam before writing the last stanza and reduced an entire population to trigger happy blow em' up zombies?
— unknown
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