poetry critical

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Gold Rush
larrylark

Dust blew down on Dirt Street as each bag of gold was sold,
 1
air flirted with stale meat from fritango stalls.
 2
Miners came down, aching from the Hacienda Ridge,
 3
each placed a stake; aqua tinted hands glowed green and gold.
 4
 
 
He would sail home to his wife and many children,
 5
who lived inside his brother's house at Ciudad Bolivar.
 6
Life upstream was armed and very dangerous,
 7
The Commissioner had been murdered in a coup d'etat.
 8
 
 
Carry guns up narrow tracks leading to Paragua,
 9
pressure hoses sluice away the heavy clinging mud.
 10
Heard the crack of pistols downing jaguar,
 11
salsa flood vibrated in the soil near where we stood.
 12
 
 
Bodies danced near the edges of the night
 13
in a formless mix of artifice and the sensuous  
 14
Thunder rolled, lightening forked parted distant hills,
 15
the native woman's talk seemed disingenuous.
 16
 
 
Next day our party moved to Guayaquil,
 17
where hammocks swung between palm thatched houses.
 18
Stocking up with candles rope and paraffin,
 19
packed in wicker baskets, handed through a grill.
 20
 
 
A fat bullying Criolla, mouth crammed full of gold,
 21
smiled as girls strolled past in Day-Glo trousers.
 22
His turquoise nylon shirt stretched tight as any drum,
 23
he cooked pale peach coloured fish meat split  open with his thumb.
 24
 
 
Sounds like beating bird wings pinged on upturned rusting cans,
 25
stuck on high poles, rattling in Andean winds.
 26
Boats came in and out, caked with sand, swamp and fever,
 27
their owners dreamed of leaving for distant lands.
 28

20 Mar 05

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 7, 9, 9, 10

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Comments:

I want to sat a big thank you to the person who gave the rating on this poem

Larry  aqua hands Lark
 — larrylark

i like it when i start smiling halfway through the first stanza ... i like it when the visuals are so strong i can smell where i should be ... i like it when i read works like this one ...
 — Bloodfetish

The last three stnazas have some forced lines, I really enjoyed the begining though.
 — Cloudless

Dear Bloodfetish

I cansee now that you are and always were a person of immaculate taste and disernment

Larry cinemascope Lark
 — unknown

Dear Cloudless

I agree with you about the forced lines but i will continue to work on thispoem

Larry work in progress Lark
 — larrylark

A very nice poem i should say <3 <3 stay cool and keep writing oems about the gold rush @- -@
 — unknown

i would like to say that this poem is great and i like cock
 — unknown

I like this poem, I like it a lot.
Only point I can bring up right now is line 18 starts with an adverb "where" and that is out of style with the rest of the poem.
What I like about this poem is it reads as you were sitting with a friend and showing them photos with a short explanation of each picture. This is a poem that creates visuals in a reader; any changes you make should help that along.
 — cowork

Very impressed! My sister is a teacher, so she loves it to, because of the discriptive words and you've tried so hard! Very well done!
 — Coolrooster

its guud i like it
 — unknown

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