poetry critical

online poetry workshop



to kill another mockingbird with the same stone
mould_jesus

wherever there's a chance for redemption,
 1
there's also a chance for failure
 2
(for feathers flaked with dry blood;
 3
pheasant shot down at dawn in despair,
 4
crashed and burned into letters stained
 5
on yellowed papers stuffed into bottles
 6
and thrown to the ocean for bitter
 7
salvation and hope misplaced).
 8
 
 
strung out ductile muscle
 9
tissue peeled from bone
 10
and skin, forceful in
 11
blatant unconditional
 12
slavery to one's own mind.
 13
 
 
hammered flat malleable,
 14
separated down the grain of the meat
 15
(weak points exposed)
 16
and chopped hatchet traveller
 17
stuck to sobriety like insanity
 18
chipped off the old block.
 19
 
 
weathered worn rusted and scratched,
 20
ebb and flow slowed as black tears drip
 21
mourning onto a floor more plush in
 22
adoration than the concrete that
 23
will be tapped into like root or vein
 24
to bleed sap onto grass.
 25
 
 
(wherever there's a chance for redemption,
 26
there's also a chance for failure)
 27

20 Mar 05

Rated 5 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (24): 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 5, 5, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(63 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

coolest. title. ever.
 — unknown

Okay i am speechless now.
This poem kicks ass.
And am not sure wich part of it excactly made me love it.
Maybe some poems will just grab your attention in a way that others do not.
But i do love it and will rate it a 10.
 — AutumnTears

solid work ... excellent visuals.
were it me, i'd rework line 11, so it didn't end in "as" ... weak, sandwiched between forceful and blatant.
also "black tears drip/blood" isn't as fresh an image as i'd hoped for....

still, tasty and visual .. strong
 — Bloodfetish

i like this poem as well.
i would perhaps suggest singed in l5 - it fits well with the s sounds and also avoids the phrase crash and burn. l6-8 are flippin sweet. the rest is hard to critique without altering the flow you were going for- something which i think adds a lot to this poem and should remain unaltered. all and all job well done
 — ColForbn2

crash and singe, however, doesn't carry the same meaning.

i'll try to fix |11. otherwise, thanks for the comments.
 — mould_jesus

this is awesome!
 — sassybnyss

a few changes have been made. now how does it look?
 — mould_jesus

this, sir: this is most excellent. and the title brings it all together.
 — youthculture

thank you.
 — mould_jesus

Interesting.
 — Cloudless

that was wonderful....
 — unknown

thanks.
 — mould_jesus

golly that's good.
 — themolly

hehe. thanks.
 — mould_jesus

first poem published.

this one.
 — mould_jesus

you guys suck you fucking fucks
 — unknown

nice comment.

do you really expect anybody to take your bullshit seriously?
 — mould_jesus

wow. how did i miss this. awfully good.
 — noodleman

ha! i just slammed this up to numba three!
 — noodleman

thanks. it's at 5 right now.
 — mould_jesus

back at 3
 — mould_jesus

and now not even in the top 80.. but with the same number of users rating it...

wtf?
 — mould_jesus

I myself am a poet,and this is one of the better works i've seen.I give it a 10 with a few little gold stars;) -Chris-
 — unknown

came back to add a rating
 — Bloodfetish

coolerz.
 — ducktape

There is alot of body language in this piece. I haven't seen much of that. The verbs are very cold and harsh. This piece is that of a pro. Good job
 — SirSkankAlot

any chance of explaining this poem on the message board?  the title is obviously understood the rest is obtuse
 — unknown

great poem, the only suggestion I can make is to change the title to "killing two mockingbirds with one stone" keeping in mind both adages. ;]
 — unknown

Lines 1 and 2: That's such an intriguing series of lines.  Call me easily amused but I love it when people start with a set of lines that is thought provoking and even philosophical.

Lines 3 - 8: Excellent use of imagery.  I'm definitely captivated by this entire stanza.

I think lines 9 - 13  would be easier read if broken into 2 sentences.  It seems to jump into the next thought too rapidly and causes this overlapping rather than a juxtaposition.

This whole piece is very well done.  The title grabbed my attention sitting in the top rated list.  It's a very ingenius and interesting title.  I'm adding this to my favorites.  Nicely done.
 — Resonanz

loved it. heres your 10
 — unknown

for 9-13, any ideas on how to change that? breaking it into two stanzas would make them each too short by far, and as a result would chop the flow to pieces and also take away some of the aesthetic quality of the piece.

yeah, i keep everything in mind when writing and editing a poem.
 — mould_jesus

oh yeah... and as for the explanation part, this is basically a study of the chances of failure when one tries to save or redeem him or herself. the imagery is comparing the bird's flight to the chance of redemption, the shotgun blast to the chance of failure.

the second stanza is to enhance the imagery of the first and make the picture that much more vivid in the reader's mind. third stanza is to show how the failure part can result in much worse consequences than just failing, ie. pheasant get's shot (failure), pheasant is plucked, cut, cooked and eaten (consequences). "chopped hatchet traveller" is the hunter who shot it down (keeps his survival gear with him), then it may seem random, but it's at that place for the purpose of keeping the flow of the poem, but this also relates to the loss of sanity and rationality that can come with the failure mentioned in the beginning. fourth stanza brings it back from the image to the real world, and is to show the emotional breakdown and depression that comes from the aftermath of failure.

final stanza to sum it all up with a repetition of the first two lines (parentheses show the relation to the rest of the poem as a whole, rather than being two separate lines on their own).

there's the explanation.
 — mould_jesus

excelltn
 — unknown

thanks....
 — mould_jesus

At least only the title and a few lines are ripped off from other work. You're diarhea of words is puzzling and has so little emtional resonance that it's not even worth flushing. But I still give it a 2.
 — JohnWest

ok. i'm gonna read your poetry and see what kind of ground you're on to be making that comment. don't worry, i won't be biased against you just because of that comment. if your poetry is good then i'll say so.
 — mould_jesus

I wouldn't give it a two, but said commenter is right.  Too much bullshit not enough substance. It seems, to me, that you are scared of your own ideas.

I like the line "Whereever there's a chance for redeption, there's also a chance for failure." :)
 — ramher

I'll be anxious to see you on my site, you spiteful swine.

Ahaha. Cheers.
 — ramher

i already hit your poems.

you're a lot more writing and a lot less ego than that JohnWest character. i like your stuff, unlike his.
 — mould_jesus

mould_jesus.

I see this has come back again, minus the previous comments, though it does not appear have improved much on its second excursion out.

The author’s explanation is nearly as disjointed at the poem.

Wherein it appears that author has failed miserably to convey what it actually was he intended to project.
Reinforced by what appears to be an extremely convoluted series of less than coherent metaphor.

The first two lines are just begging for a poetic metaphor, instead the current bland assertion.

“wherever there's a chance for redemption,
there's also a chance for failure”

The repetition of there, chance and for, in successive lines, can hardly to be considered good poetry, by any standard.

There is no explanation for the use of pheasant in line 3

You explanation as to what happened to the pheasant is totally irrational, a dead pheasant no  more cares what you do to it then than anything else which is dead.

You can attempt to twist your analogies any way you wish.
In my view they fail prove any coherent thought or real poetic content.

The only significant factor I can see is the two last lines which one concedes, could in all fairness if applied to this
most dubious pottage of words, describe the actual poem itself maybe that is what you forgot to include in your explanation.

If I were scoring this, I would give the title 10, and the content 2.

Arminius Prodicus.
 — unknown

You explanation as to what happened to the pheasant is totally irrational, a dead pheasant no more cares what you do to it then than anything else which is dead.

Then... than? I've seen people say then for than, but never then than. Haha, that's kind of humorous. And you were trying sooo hard to sound intelligent, too. :( Sorry.

Pop goes your ego.

-Zr
 — ramher

Hi Ramher,
I have never noticed you before, being an acute dyslexic it is nothing unusual, I often miss out on commas, in fact I often miss complete sentences, and if the truth be known quite often on insignificant poets, but you being a smarty-pants would not understand that.

English is neither my first or native language.

You being so full of your own importance, are blind to the difficulties faced by others, I can speak six languages equally as badly, which one would like to take me on in.

I await your pleasure.

Fear sam bith a loisgeas a mhàs, ‘s e fhèin a dh’fheumas suidhe air.
Pouvez-vous me traduire ceci,
Man tut sein Bestes, es ght nicht.
Pode faze-lo para amanha.
Quando saranno pronti!
Hvorda har de det nu?
Vindt U het gezellig hier?
Wij amuseren ons heel goed
Heel hartelijk bedankt.


Arminius Prodicus.
 — unknown

Hi Ramher,
I forgot to mention, when I was young and stupid like you.
I knew more then, than you know now.

Arminius Prodicus
 — unknown

I'm sure you think that.
 — ramher

Hi Ramher,

Jag är mest lycklig att berätta dig att jag gör funderare det.

Arminius Prodicus
 — unknown

Ramher, i wouldn't fuck there if i were u...by the way Mould, nice, i like it. some of the stuff Morchius just said makes sence but all in all i think that people do get the point and it is a good poem. congrats...now let me put this at number one one the top ten.
 — Odin

there u go
 — Odin

Shave your unibrow and get back to me on that.
 — ramher

hey morchuis, haven't we already established that the only person on this website that really cares that much about your opinions is you?

youo're trying so hard just to shut everything down, when you could try to look for the good things in the poetry.

i'd also love to see some of your poetry. but since you're too afraid to post it here, i guess that won't happen.

sorry your ego overthrows your poetic ability, but that's not my problem. i'm just wondering why you keep coming back to this same poem over and over and over again, and to the thread that i posted. it seems like you're just looking for something to rag on and, sine you've already started here, you may as well try to finish.

that finish won't come around, so you may as well give up.
also, your language thing is really nothing to brag about. i believe that it's more useful to master one language than to go half-assed in six.

take zepplin42, for example. i don't know the guy personally, but from some of his poetry, he seems to be multilingual. however, he has basically mastered the english language and the art of creating great poetry in that language. and his ego is rather small. he's never too high up on his throne to tell a less experienced writer that maybe this sentence doesn't work here, or maybe if they'd change the wording in line 23 then the poem would seem better as a whole. he's always willing to help someone of lesser experience and lesser status on this site.

at least zep has a poem or two or an entire ass load to showcase his ability and give him the option, if not the right, to talk down on others. he still doesn't do it though. i've gotten a few comments from him in the past and they always seemed to show up on my worst poems. but he was always nice and always helpful.

can you say the same for yourself?
 — mould_jesus

Don't worry, bro, in this 'profession' there are plenty of haters. Just be glad said asshole isn't dropping by to rate your poems  1 every-so-often. (A problem I often encounter.)

He sufficiently made a fool of himself and doesn't, with all of his drivel, even need to be dignified with a response. Now that you did, he will surely be back with a multi-lingual attack on your intelligence.

It's called spite.

And I'm sure he has tons of poetry. But, you know, you would read it and think it sucks because you aren't on his level. You couldn't grasp the depth of its genius symbolism.  

haha

-Zr
 — ramher

First of all, this title kicks ass.

Second of all, the poem is radical beyond belief.

Third of all, don't bother with the motherfuckers trying to talk down you and your poem.  If they actually didn't like it, they would either say something intelligent about how they would like it better, or they wouldn't say anything at all.  It takes too much effort to comment on something that's crap.
 — megabyte

Mould_Jesus and his exsuffication at the Morchuis persona.

You appear to have a slight problem with your logic,
wherein you try to distort conjecture, into fact.

What are the facts; you post poetry to be read, presumably by persons, who are interested in poetry.
That means they have an interest in reading poetry.

That does not mean that readers have any interest in you as a person, why should they, appears to be the logical reply.

Why do people read poetry, your poetry for example?

I only read your poetry because it appears in the top rated list.
That does not mean I have any obligation to agree with its placement, in fact I may object strongly, if I consider, that its inclusion has arrived there, on less than creditable merit.

You apparently have strong objections to any comment that does not address your poetry in glowing terms; in fact, you habitually attack anyone that transgresses from your self-appointed guidelines, regarding comment.

What another reader may, or may not say regarding your posted work is of no concern to me, I will judge any work by own criteria and no ones else’s.
I have never marked up, or derated your poetry at any time, therefore the analogy regarding me wishing to harm your poetry is again total conjecture, and factually pure supposition.

Rafter can quite easily confirm that I have never rated any poem on PC.

I know it not relevant, but since you raised the subject
I quote you.

“your language thing is really nothing to brag about. i believe that it's more useful to master one language than to go half-assed in six.”

That is advice I would consider you try to put into practice your self, take this latest submission by you, and the number of spelling mistakes therein, combined with its poor grammatical structure makes for pretty dismal reading, even for a grade six student.

How, would you know if the ability to converse with other foreign speaking nationals is beneficial or not, I have found it to be very beneficial, in a considerable number of countries.
Especially those countries, where English is barely understood.

Therefore, it appears we are back to the personal slanging match, which is I believe, where we left off last time.

I do not care if the whole site thinks you are God’s gift to poetry, I will formulate my own opinions on what I read and understand of your written work, and in doing so, will pass comment on any aspect of your work, that attracts my attention.
I have not come to PC to be ego’s vanity fluffer up, to you, or to any one else, you therefore you as a person hold absolutely no interest to me, what so ever.  

I do agree that Zep is an excellent critic, who can on occasion be extremely beneficial, to certain poets.

There are also a number of excellent critics on PC who also write superb poetry, I quite often, do not agree with them either.

I have never professed to be an excellent poet, or indeed a dedicated critic; I merely read, observe, and comment.

You are under no obligation to consider my words relevant to your work, in any way what so ever and I have no obligation to consider your pathetic ego.
Your hankering back to the hieratical structure, that recently collapsed on PC, under the weight of own incompetence, is now clearly showing.

Therefore, to para-phrase you own statement,
I would rather write one good poem, than ten thousand bad ones, it would appear, you have to contend with your own distinct problems.

Have you ever considered the word exsiccant; you ought to try applying it some time, in all its extancy.

P.S. one of the advantages regarding speaking other languages is that one can insult idiots like you, all day long, if so wished.

Arminius Prodicus
 — unknown

See?  Look, he wrote a whole poem about you.  He probably is in love.
 — megabyte

megabyte.

brunnen som den ser något liknande du har ingenting att oroa omkring, honom, verkar endast för att kommentera på de mer väl typpoemsna, dig är mycket kassaskåpen,
AP.
 — unknown

Such is your philosophy on life. You would insult someone in a language you made up so that you and ONLY you could understand it. Do you see what I'm getting at?

I admit at times I have been an arrogant asshole, but you, my friend, are the most arrogant person I have ever seen offline or online. You don't even speak well. I know you think that you're something different... you think you are God's gift to *everything.*
It has so much bering when you say it on the computer under an unknown post. Do you have an account on this site? Have you ever posted a poem on this site?

I agree that it is your right to comment on his poem, but you make it sound like if he told you to never comment on his poetry again you would. You know, know, KNOW that is utter bullshit!

You're a fucking maggot, man. You have a severe self esteem problem. You probably sit and watch professional sports and say "I could do better."

While you drink a lite beer in your la-z boy.

I didn't know one asshole could spit so much shit.

Why don't you put all that effort into writing something that someone would care to read?

Shit, you could post that dissertation as a poem.

Peace.

-zr
 — ramher

Als alle gekken konden vliegen hadden we een permanente zonsverduistering.
Wanneer het op de groten regent, drupt het op de kleinen.
Als de maan vol is, schijnt zij overal

You profess to understand poetry.

A ten year old child could understand this, why can’t you?

There is poetry in other languages apart from English, why do you not  visit them and read some really nice poetry.

Arminius Prodicus.  
 — unknown

Do you understand that it's ineffective to insult someone in a language they don't understand?
 — megabyte

Are you the presumptuous one, you must be in love.

Oh! Dear.

Arminius Prodicus
 — unknown

How perceptive of you.  You're right, I am.
 — megabyte

Oh! Dear.

Arminius Prodicus
 — unknown

Why don't you post any poetry?
 — megabyte

No, I would rather not I am very shy.

Arminius Prodicus
 — unknown

C'mon, you could just email some to me.
 — megabyte

No, no no,
I hardly know you

though it might be all right
with the lights off.

Arminius Prodicus
 — unknown

See?  There's some poetry right there.  Scaredy cat.
 — megabyte

Not to my taste. Too many phrases, no connection.
 — junky

OK JUNKY>>>GOOD FOR YOU!
 — unknown

Not particularly, no.
 — junky

OH HOW SAD REALLY>>>
 — unknown

th eproblem with morchuis is that he thinks i have a problem with negative crit.

i don't at all, as long as it is in a halfway presentable fasion.

and by the way, it's been a long time since i've made a typo and haven't caught it. it's also been a long time since i've used poor grammatical structure and if he's referring to the absence of capital letters in the beginnings of sentences as poor grammar, i know that i do that. i don't bother to capitalize the beginnings of sentences or proper nouns.

mor just has a problem with poeple.

he says i suck, i ask why, he says it's because i do. i ask why again and he says i have a giant ego.

hypocrite?
 — mould_jesus

a funny thing is that i made a typo on the first word of that post.
 — mould_jesus

More than one. You always make typos in your comments. haha
 — ramher

A little too wordy, with too many ands.
 — unknown

this sucks
 — unknown

while i disagree with mor's presentation, i have to agree

the grammatic structure is indeed poor

while critics usually scream "MORE IMAGERY", this is simply a listing of imagery with little content

the opening two lines are abstract and unpoetic, to repeat them is even worse

parentheticals should rarely be used in poetry. if it's in parentheses, it's usually an aside, and usually unneeded & it makes the reader feel it's unneeded. if the content is important enough to be in the poem, keep it in the poem. if it's in parentheses for a specific purpose - fine, but there should never be a need for three parentheticals in a poem this short
 — Ananke

different people have different ideas of poetry.

and while you're almost on the same side as mor, i'm in no position to question your opinion because you present it as an opinion rather than fact. you're telling me that it's your idea of how poetry should be.

in other words, you aren't an asshole about it.
 — mould_jesus

Wow that is great I loved it.
 — unknown

I feel like there should be a comma between flat an dmalleable in L14, but I could be wrong.
I love Ls 17-19
In my opinion, I would drop the last two lines.  It would make your poem strong without the repetition.
I can't say much that hasn't been said before.  I enjoyed this greatly.  You did a nice job.  I wish there was more I could say, but there isn't.

-Mary
 — fallinforyou

Great title.

I have only an inkling of what the middle (3-25) of the poem is on about.
 — kite

intense. this poem took a couple reads.
wonderful title.
 — thehalfman

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssstttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppppppppiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddd dddddddd
 — unknown

awh come on, man!
if you're going to insult someone then at least give it some intensity and some creativity! you're criticising poetry here! even the critique has to be creative. and if it comes in the form of an insult, then here; i'll show you how it's done.

start simple: you are a complete and total dipshit; a scar on the face of basic intelligence.

then get into some other shit: motherfucker, i'll kill you twice and take a picture of you with my balls in your mouth.

so there's my crash course on isults. i expect nothing less to come my way.
 — mould_jesus

hey dude.. this is excellent...  and i wanted to know if u can help me pls?? i need a really good poem on Racism because of the project i have to do on the book "To Kill a MockingBird". and i needed an expert like you to help me with this.. can u please help me?? k thnks
 — unknown

write your own poem.

racism is not what this is about.

done.
 — mould_jesus

Brilliant
 — XxArsonxX

muchos motherfucking gracias.
 — mould_jesus

0.367s