| Red tea
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aerol
| the woman in front of me | 1 |
moves her wrist up and down, | 2 |
dunking a red, red teabag | 3 |
in a water-filled mug. | 4 |
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her wrist bends upwards. | 5 |
once again, for a second, | 6 |
the red contents of that teabag | 7 |
get a gasp of air; | 8 |
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there i have the time to think, | 9 |
am i an innocent bystander | 10 |
or a culprit? | 11 |
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then it sinks again, | 12 |
it stains the water deeper, | 13 |
red. | 14 |
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she's not talking now; | 15 |
i think about that red | 16 |
thing. that used to beat | 17 |
in someone's chest. | 18 |
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21 Mar 05 |
Rated 7 (6.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (2): 4, 8
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Comments:
the last stanza was cool, but i'm not sure if it fits in this poem. also, in l3, i wouldn't say red, red. use another word to describe red. and in the last stanza, l17, don't use the word thing. it's not a pretty word to describe anything.
— sassybnyss
You're not an innocent bystander or a culprit. Watch the movie The Tao of Steve
— john
i think at line 4 "what else would be in the cup?"
and at 5, upward instead of upwards
then back through again
for *wow*
— Bloodfetish
oh fuk man
gross
— unknown
i have good news for de speaker of dis house:
scientists now know the chemical/thermal composition of the brain of a person with OCD is the same as a person madly in love
which is to say:
i really really ope that you my man are not in luv
gupta
— unknown
How about the verb "drowning?" Would/could that perhaps better supplement the "dunking"/submerging of the red teabag? The up and down wrist motion? A really cool idea to paint with lyric. I also LOVE how you compare the teabag to a heart. Fascinating! It's amazing how a poet's mind works to capture pictures that not too many ordinary "thinkers" can capture, so I think, for that reason alone, that this is incredible. Just needs some more "painting" and you'll have a masterpiece, in my opinion. Good job!
— starr
I also thought, what else would be in the cup, and that really ruined it for me. I can't really see it on my monitor, but maybe in line 17 it should be a comma instead of a period. And why not just say red tea bag instead of red, red tea bag.
— atleverton
you're all right, the language is simple and redundant. i'll have to admit i did it, to a certain degree, on purpose. starr, i'm gonna stick with 'dunking', it adds to the banality of her infusion-making action. atleverton, i'm gonna stick by that period, it adds to the ambiguity of the last sentence. thanks for your criticism, it's what makes this site worth the while.
— aerol
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