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There You Are
ollylama

There you are.
 1
Are you there?
 2
Would you be you,
 3
Without your hair?
 4
Was younger you you
 5
When older you are?
 6
How far would you go
 7
To go very far?
 8
 
 
You’ll go on a sally,
 9
And drive your own car,
 10
And walk through the valleys
 11
In shadows of stars,
 12
And sneak through the alleys
 13
Of backstreet bazaars,
 14
Heave ho on a galley
 15
Set for Zanzibar.
 16
(If you meet Rand McNally
 17
Please send my regards.)
 18
 
 
And then when you’ve wizened your pearls,
 19
And done your mermaiding,
 20
Come back to your world,
 21
My girl masquerading
 22
As a woman, unfurl,
 23
And I’ll be there, waiting.
 24
 
 
We’ll compare all our scars,
 25
From fighting in wars,
 26
Deposing the Czars,
 27
And settling scores,
 28
But you’ll still be you,
 29
And I’ll still be me,
 30
And wherever we are
 31
There we will be.
 32



This poem is taken from my novel, "Abyssinia," which is available as a free download from http://www.oliverbenjamin.net/abys.html

22 Mar 05

Rated 8 (6.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 5, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(11 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

isn't 5 still a question, with a comma between the you you?
tenses in 6 bug me. i see what you're getting at but it still bugs me.

7 i'm surprised you didn't say Would you go far?
16. i'd love it if an extra syllable could be found to glue into here.
19 do you need to start with the and?

24. i slipped in a 'for you' because my eyes are slower than my brain


i like people that promote. i will read your book. lots of things to like in this. like pop.
 — kaleidazcope

i think you really made your poem pop with the last two stanzas.  the first one with all its questions kinda tripped me up because it was like every other line was a question and i got confused.  and then stanza two seemed like the rhyming was forced, but you can always fix that.  but the last two stanzas were real jewels.  for example, l19, 20, 22, 25, etc.  good job.
 — sassybnyss

Lovely bit of fluff but the read goes wrong for me at L19 when the rhythm change is a bit too distracting. Content throughout is very enjoyable.
 — unknown

I guess commas are always optional. If you're James Joyce all punctuation is optional. I say How far would you go to go very far because "how far would you go" has two meanings. In this case, "how hard would you try to enrich your life." I like 19 because it forces the sense of a major compression of time. But I can see how it might annoy. It certainly bends the rules. Thanks for the comments so far.
 — ollylama

i couldn't care less about punctuation,
but it should be consistent or clever.
who's james joyce?

would you go far
to go very far
also has the two same meanings.
i think it's about perspective and rhythm;
how each flows in comparison to each other.

but i see what you mean.
nice to get an answer.
 — kaleidazcope

one thing about ollie, he likes to 'pop'. in fact, he's the best 'popper i've ever known. (see comment on sea caribe 2 about pissing pants).

the poems you've posted so far are beautiful but colorful, and i know how well you do black and white. give us some of your black and white.
 — hank

its a tough crowd ollylama.  but you already have fans.
Tzars.
 — hank

tsar. tsar vs. czar. so be it tzar and anna karinina can stay under that train. bazaar.
 — hank

Thanks, hanks (There seem to be so many hanks! Or maybe just one who drank a lot of guinness last night. Actually I just wanted it to rhyme with Thanks.) Will consider changing Czar to Tsar. I like Czar because it's become associated with the totalitarian snuffing out of moral turpitude (e.g. Drug Czar) and the character in my book represented in this poem as a Czar is the owner of a giant coffee chain who stamps out smaller less aggressive coffeehouses. To be honest, I've never been good at writing black and white but thanks for the encouragement. I'll try.
 — ollylama

maybe it's me...maybe I'm not astute enough to know genious when I see it, or maybe I've foolishly avoided reading classic poetry (read: poems by dead white guys)....but this reminds me of Dr. Seuss. It's the rhyming thing. I just can not get into rhyming poetry.
 — mamakittyx2

edit myself: I really DO like the 3rd stanza. :)
 — mamakittyx2

but mamakitty, why would you give me a 5 just because you don't like rhyming? what's wrong with dr. seuss? didn't you like him when you were young? i can understand if you think it's a bad poem, but i don't think your rating is fair. sour grapes on my part, i know, but still...
 — ollylama

pretty heavily influenced by shel silverstein. anyway, this wasn't quite as original or clever as i think it could have been. it doesn't live up to its potential. the last 2 lines in particular have been said time and time again, in poetry and prose.
the second stanza is really great, though. i think the poem could be reworked to live up to the awesomeness of that stanza. l17-18 are particularly delicious.
 — Catbox

Wibble wobble, fibble fobble. Your rhymes remind me of jelly.
 — unknown

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