| lost and found in extended metaphor
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netskyIam
| Willingly lost in a one-tree forest; | 1 |
nosing through the forest thicket. | 2 |
Pausing, peering up at sky. | 3 |
There, a faintly crescent moon | 4 |
crested by two orbs of glint | 5 |
guide me to the place | 6 |
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Willingly lost in a one-tree forest; | 7 |
now safe, contented, beside the tree | 8 |
with stars above and all of life | 9 |
not lost, but found, at last | 10 |
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22 Mar 05 |
Rated 5 (6.5) by 1 users.
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(191 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
i think i've found myself here in these few words and internal beat beat beat.
i think i'll stay lost for awhile and enjoy the view.
i'm not crazy about vouchesafed -- hard to say out loud ... but inside my mind, it streams
— Bloodfetish
cool, 'man.. some will get it and some will beat it.. thanks
ps: "vouchesafe" has a nice sound to my own ear. It's a chaucerian
word; is that old.. i -think i have the meaning correctly placed here. obliged to you,
netsky
— netskyIam
I'm sorry, I got lost in the words and missed the point somehow. It's glib and curious but not striking. Makes no sense to be in a one-tree forest (which I can figure out easily) then switch to a thicket. That kind of detracts from the one-tree forest concept, to my mind.
Crescent moon crested by two orbs of glint - I want it to make sense but it doesn't to me. I miss metaphor constantly, though, so perhaps it's just my mind that isn't relating.
— Isabelle5
Isabelle, by now you recall having seen an earlier incarnation of this poem? Indeed, there is no such thing as an actual "one-tree- forest" except in the eyes of one who adors a particular kind of trunk. Faintly crescent moon..orbs..are stars... the tree of life all of life is found at last. ... and there you are.
— netskyIam
I've made a word change and altered punctuation a bit. Here is the original which the earlier readers saw:
Willingly lost in a one-tree forest;
1
nosing through the forest thicket
2
Pausing, peering up at sky;
3
there, a faintly crescent moon
4
crested by two orbs of glint
5
guiding to the place
6
Willingly lost in a one-tree forest;
7
but vouchesafed now beside the tree
8
with stars above and all of life
9
not lost, but found, at last
10
— netskyIam
good imagery, and use of verb in line2.
— cuishanying
Could use a period at the end of l6 and 10. I like this, but I agree with Isabelle5, I like the 'one-tree forest' idea, but stick with that instead of switching to a thicket. Will confuse the reader. Nice job, keep editing this and it will be pretty good.
— MywrdsRmyAiR
My wrds, apology for not checking this poem since your input. I could put periods in as suggested by you without the least harm. However, becuase thos lines are ends of stanzas, in paritucular I don't see need for a double-tromp braking. It's not to be so abrupt as that. As for the "thicket", well... it's a sexual metaphor poem. I wanted to do this so subtly as to offend nobod, while getting the point over to those who do such a thing as part of living. thanks, -netsky-
— netskyIam
This poem is just lovely.
— unknown
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