| Sharpshooter
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SweetPain
| The streets littered with blood washed bodies. | 1 |
Limbs askew, families shattered, and futures ended. | 2 |
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A sharpshooter of a dozen years waits, with a cigarette billowing in hand, for his next victim. | 3 |
Bang! his shot flies swift and deep into the left breast of the priest | 4 |
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Hands find his wounded heart | 5 |
eyes sick with fleeting life | 6 |
his body descneds to the ground | 7 |
moans of pain and a short breath | 8 |
mark the end, his death. | 9 |
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This sharpshooter no longer feels | 10 |
the pain of death but, | 11 |
the triumph | 12 |
of killing the innocent. | 13 |
Commander is the one to please | 14 |
No more toys, | 15 |
no more games, | 16 |
no more love. | 17 |
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Sharpshooter no longer is a boy, | 18 |
but a savage rogue. | 19 |
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28 Mar 05 |
Rated 7 (6.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6, 7
Inactive (3): 1, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(108 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
I like the setting, but I didn't feel it.
— unknown
Than unknown.
— unknown
*thanx im really out of it today sorry :P - SweetPain -
— unknown
I dunno, its good, but it didnt really affect me, i will soon forget me.
Maybe describe the deaths violently, the eyes , the faces
— MFine
Thank you MFine that was a very helpfull comment.
— SweetPain
Does what i added now make it any better?
— SweetPain
Yes 5-9 very nice.
Are they the new lines,ya?
— MFine
they sure are :D thanx a lot for the inspiration!
— SweetPain
so there are no improvments to be made?
— SweetPain
Not that I can think of.
— MFine
disturbingly moving, and very effective.
— unknown
well thankyou unknown.
— SweetPain
corny fucking piece of shit.
— unknown
okay then, well do you have anything else to say?
— SweetPain
yes, you are a fucking cunt that should die!
— unknown
WTF was that for?!?! Oh well maybe if you got some action you wouldn't be so bitter.
— SweetPain
uhhh not again! why me!
— SweetPain
this poem deserves better than that one!
— unknown
one suggestion. in line 7, he's not descending. descending is like . . . an elevator or a dove. try collapsing or buckling instead.
— SteelAngel
i dont agree SteelAngel, it just dosnt work any other way for me personally. but thanks anyways.
— SweetPain
Interesting poem. Like looking at the world through a telephoto lens but i don't think the last line works.
— larrylark
thanks larrylark, i will spend some time on thinking what I should change the last line to.
— SweetPain
come to think of it larry i think the last lines work for this poem and for me so thats the way it stays, sorry.
— SweetPain
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