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"save for the cry of some lone bird-
from within a box
jessica is calling a whistle
that tears her raiment
of snowy down and me
my finger on her forehead
where before there
were only talons and whir
sharp lips screeching
out into the forest
stopped for a moment

29 Mar 05

Rated 8 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (1): 7, 7, 9

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Line breaks seem a bit arbitrary - but I like that you're definitely showing me a picute -- forehead in line 8, and screeching in line 11.  Were only talons and whir (?) you leave me behind a bit on line 10 there.

Fresh, interesting.
 — ka

- uh picture not picute...I hate new keyboards :)
 — ka

geez, thanks ka, ordinarily take better care than that, guess my brain is too battered from easter.
 — hank

when i first approached jessica, her talons were everywhere, whirring. and feathers were flying. it was a 'whir' and plays with were, where etc.
 — hank

hmm. i think i need a jessica 2
 — hank

the first two lines make me feel geeky with all the happy literary thoughts to think-- aha, i love that feeling.
 — youthculture

good. glad to hear it. wish they were mine, but he's dead so i'm stealing them
 — hank

i find the language strong, images lovely, though i'm confused.
i struggle with jessica as a hunting hawk ... or perhaps the hunted.
(also line 1 ... i *see* some lone bird, but mind keeps saying lonesome bird)
i come back when brain is better able to decipher.
 — Bloodfetish

she's a snowy owl.
 — hank

i think this is an underrated poem.
 — hank

Neat! Great poem. you sure have put alot of effort. Im sure u had fun writing it. iI really enjoyed it.  
 — unknown

a solid vision: sight and sound.
the line breaks are not what i would prefer ... a bit jarring ... wingbeats?
 — Bloodfetish

the line breaks here remind me of nervous breathing and are accurate to the feeling at the time.
 — hank