| Jazz Hands(edited)
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SweetPain
| The drums beat in time with the changing symbol | 1 |
the trumpets become the moving melody, | 2 |
the trombones slur their speech, | 3 |
the saxophones play their zesty tune, | 4 |
the string bass bellows striking deep within your heart. | 5 |
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This music of a time gone by | 6 |
it leaves a memory etched upon your ears | 7 |
so sweet and pleasant it could be called addictive. | 8 |
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And, when that syncopated beat comes to the surface of your consciousness. | 9 |
It's seductive swing and sumptuous singers call you into submission. | 10 |
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And to get up and slink around the room | 11 |
with that special someone is the only way to go . | 12 |
I tip my hat off to you New Orleans | 13 |
you gave us Dizzie, | 14 |
you gave us Louis, | 15 |
you gave us the a creativity to move mountains. | 16 |
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30 Mar 05 |
Rated 5 (6.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 3, 7
Inactive (5): 1, 7, 7, 9, 9
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(108 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
so glad you didn't change slurring trombones in this revise ... i love that line
i like the movement and progression throughout, but when i get to the last line.....not a lot of us out there who see music ... seems like you might be one of them ... yet the build-up through is audio ... till that last line
can you see it earlier?
— Bloodfetish
I agree with Bloodfetish
— MFine
yup yup, i can certainly see it now :D duelly noted, thanx bloodfetish and Mfine again - SweetPain -
— unknown
changed the lastline, how does it sound?
— SweetPain
to be honest, I dont like it. Im thinkin about it, does it make sense??
Giving ears sight, ears dont see. Im not sure
— MFine
I think it's poetical. I like that last line. it does make sense. Ears can HEAR, but that doesn't mean they're LISTENING. Eyes can SEE but that doesn't mean they're LOOKING. EARS can SEE the music the way our EYES cannot.
--mywrdsrmyair
— unknown
I meant I think the last line is poetical. And I still like the poem in it's entirety. Nice job SweetPain. :-P
--claire, again
— unknown
I love the poem, but I dont agree.
Ears HEAR the music the way our eyes cannot.
I know in poetry you can do what you like but I just dont like it.
Dont change it just coz of me though, the poem is still brilliant.
— MFine
i can't agree with mfine .. but that's because of a condition: when i read, i taste, hear and sometimes see. likewise is my hearing tied to sight and sound. as such, my initial comment may have been unfair ... i prefer the original line to this one ... i now i'm going back and forth .. but that's the way i read/see/hear things ...
— unknown
the problem is i dont remeber the original line !! - SweetPain -
— unknown
and honestly i dont really care to change it again, even though i am not statisfied with the last line i will soon find an ending that fits this poem . - SweetPain -
— unknown
Blech, Ignore them, it's a bloody good line. :-O hahha
--claire (mywrdsrmyair
— unknown
Sorry, but even poetically, I dont think youu can see the SOUND of music.
You can see the notes in your head and all going up or down but thats different.
But as claire says ignore me!
— MFine
:-P hahaha, Noo!! You can see music with your ears. it's not the kind of sight with your eyes though. You're thinking INSIDE THE BOX! BE A POET AND THINK OUUTTSIIDDEE of that goddam box. Why do so many ppl have to limit their imaginations and word meanings to this goddam confining box! THere is more than what meets the eys to that LINE! arghh. . .whooaa, PMS!! haha, jk
— Ur_Best_Shot
Have you ever heard of something called a oxymoron. Thats what that line is, using conflicitng words that cancel out eachother, so in that way it is poetic. And again i am not done with the line so hold you horses. - SweetPain -
— unknown
I like the box. It keeps me warm.
— MFine
NOO!!! the box is a BAD PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!
--mywrdsrmyair--claire
— Ur_Best_Shot
i logged in for this one ...
MFine ... some of us (not a whole lot, as i've found out) can see the sound of music ...
for me, it's more of a taste/sound thing ... but there are some of my ilk who see
sometimes a curse, but overall quite tasty.
— Bloodfetish
Your poem had some great ideas and lines that made me want to write- so I did. If you like any of it, feel free to use it and if not, well don't. This is more what jazz means to me, so I guess its a personal thing and I don't mean to be stepping on toes here.
The drums beat, swinging in time with clashing symbols.
The trumpets, a turmoil of melody.
Saxophones slur their speech
as trombones fill out a zesty tune.
The string bass bellows- striking deep within my heart.
The music of a time gone by,
It brings the memories of debauched summers
Etched upon your ears so sweet and easy
it could be called addictive.
With infinite creativity- enough to move mountains
When that swing beat comes to the surface of my consciousness
I cant help but think of the way
this has made so many fall in love.
Its seductive swing,
Its sumptuous singers,
They call us to submission.
I tip my hat to New Orleans.
— Cloudless
I don't care too much for this, but it can be saved.
— themolly
how so themolly?
— unknown
im happy i inspired you cloudless.
— SweetPain
Love this!! very good!
— unknown
I read this again, and I disagree with myself!! Claire was right, The last line is good.
I have left the box!! But now Im cold.....
— MFine
Though I'm from New Orleans, I don't particularly like L13. It just doesn't resonate for me. Likewise, the beginning of L8 was a bit awkward. I would rather read a bit more about the creativity of the creativity than just solely read it as "infinite."
-Rixes
— unknown
Aw I love this. That's a very nice smooth flow that goes with this piece. The last line's fine where you juxtapose our sensory organs to some other sense. (that sounded so scientific) Nice job. :)
— raeka
I dont get the whole box thing, MFine but im just going to sit here in confusion.
Thanx Rixes and Raeka for you comments.
— SweetPain
Look back up to comments from me an Ur_Best_Shot. We were discussing the box
— MFine
okay i got yah.
— SweetPain
Well come on over to Cali'. . .I'll share my blanket with you, then we can sit outside of the box, with the blanket keeping us warm :D
i also hate to say this. . . BUT I TOLD U SO!!! :D
--claire
— unknown
Im glad to see youre from a state who voted for kerry.
I would be delighted, thanks for the offer.
— MFine
Ahahaha. Welcome!! OF COURSE CALIFORNIA VOTED FOR KERRY! WE'RE NOT GODDAM IDIOTS LIKE THE REST OF THE BLOODY COUNTRY! lmao. . sorry, i get SOOO MAD when ppl think just cos 'wer from the US we automatically voted for fucking Bush, not how our voting system works. GOD PPL! sorry, not u, lol
--claire
— Ur_Best_Shot
I trhink Isabelle now hates me, BIG argument in msg forum about Bush with her.
— MFine
And if she sees that, I think she mighnt take too kindly to it.
— MFine
Could you please not use my comment bored for your own personal communications. Thank you.
— SweetPain
OK Sweetpain, its not like we were rambling on. 3 or 4 posts only. Check out r.i.p. john.
— MFine
whatever. - SweetPain -
— unknown
whatever - MFine - ;)
— MFine
What I mean is you obviously have a great memory and love of the matieral. Abuse that memory.
— themolly
check line 9. many lines ending in a . that makes it choppy for me. can it read more like jazz?
— hank
i dont think so, that would be hard to do. i like it the way it is, so i dont think anymore changes need to be made. but thanx hank anyways.
— SweetPain
youve never played jazz.
Im sorry this feels forced and fake and a little awkward at parts. some of the lines are good, L3 is, but other issues like grammatical errors and words like 'zesty' make me dislike it.
my advice is to branch out and listen to a little more jazz, some different types of jazz maybe. I see in the poem you referenced Louis (I assume Satchmo), who is rather well known throughout the world. try some Miles Davis or John Coltrane, maybe some Nat King Cole, Muddy Waters, Duke Ellington, Art Tatum (a personal favorite) and there are a ton others. expand out a little beyond just basic jazz, and then take another look at this. I think with proper outlook this could be a very good poem.
good attempt on this, look forward to some interesting revisions.
— ShelbyS
for one thing Shelby, you've got me all wrong. I LOVE playing jazz as a trombone player. I have been playine for about 4yrs now. No i dont really listen to jazz music that often, but i do know many of the jazz artists you mentioned. but thanx for the comment.
— SweetPain
I dont think its even possible to display jazz well in a poem. Its a different form of art. I feel art tatum has maybe half the talent of some other top jazz players and ytjats on a good day. I just dont see what is good about him.
— MFine
i agree with you Mfine. how could i or anybody display music in words. thank you
— SweetPain
Just messing about with this -
Drums beat in time with the changing symbol
Trumpets the moving melody
Trombones slur their speech
Saxophones play their zesty tune
String bass bellows striking deep within your heart.
&nbs p; Music of a time gone by.
A memory etched upon your ears so sweet and pleasant
it could be called addictive with infinite creativity to move mountains.
When all that swing beat comes to the surface of my consciousness.
I am fallen in love like the many. Called into submission by it's seductive
swing and sumptuous singers we slink with our special someones.
I tip my hat off to you New Orleans
You gave us Dizzie
&n bsp; &nbs p; Louis & nbsp; &nb sp; ;
You gave my ears the sight to music.
— unknown
Don't know where these "&n bsp;" came from! They have slightly screwed up alignment that's all.
— unknown
ok i see now,lol
— SweetPain
thanks unknown for that site, im so confused about computers sometimes :P
— SweetPain
hmm..edited this down, here and there, any takers?
— SweetPain
changed some stuff (AGAIN!) , wattya guys think now?
— SweetPain
nice poem
— teddy
starting a line of with "the" 5 lines straight is just so unjazz to me that...well, I cringe.
what bugs me most is that this reminds me of my piece "jazz & magik"-- well the first part does, and maybe that is a bad thing, maybe not.
— DeformedLion
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