| Liquidity
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root
| These thoughts, like water, circumvent the heart | 1 |
And quicken as they spill and glide above | 2 |
Collisions of conventions, seemly, stark, | 3 |
Which fools make for the glory of her love. | 4 |
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These thoughts, like blood, whose course I cannot set | 5 |
Pulse unbidden and steady through my days | 6 |
And pensive nights, becoming life's regret, | 7 |
Left wond'ring at the mystery of her ways. | 8 |
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These thoughts, like wine, a company too steep | 9 |
While in her tower's view, but still consumed. | 10 |
Bereft of power, their stolen voice I keep | 11 |
Ensconced as she speaks, a vesper bloom. | 12 |
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As oceans crash against gravity's might, | 13 |
So my love, liquid, moves toward her light. | 14 |
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For wisdom |
30 Mar 05 |
Rated 9 (8) by 7 users.
Active (7): 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 2, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)
(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I'm thinking about changing those last two lines to
"As heated pots will never boil when watched,
So root's poems shall not receive comments."
What do you think?
— root
Haha, I think that people are SLEEPING!!! or DOING HOMEWORK!
--mywrdsrmyair, claire
— unknown
and that there are only FOUR PEOPLE online, i will make a mental note to comment on this tomorrow, sorry, it's just too late for me to say anything that won't make this worse
— MywrdsRmyAiR
Not that this is bad. . I just mean that if I try to help it, I WILL make it worse.
— MywrdsRmyAiR
haha
well sorry, mr. impaitent. just because i said i was going to comment an hour ago.
pardon me, but i'm thinking: cheesy love poem.
yes yes,
i've read through it twice and it seems like a nicely flowing sonnet, but it seems verbose in some areas. each stanza is a sentence and the sentence is too long. i'll give a lengthier critique. Remind Me, eh? i'm going go sleep like the normal kids do...
--the nut
— unknown
Now im no expert but nevertheless: nice, fluid form.
— unknown
Thanks for comments, all. Sorry if I seemed impatient earlier, I was just excited to finish this one. Any criticism to make it better?
— unknown
me, by the way.
— root
Ill get back to you on this, cocksucker.
— unknown
thanks, devin
hahaha
— root
Thoughts like water, blood, and wine...power like gravity against ocean waves, her as light...great stuff. I confess I do not understand L3 though...unless it implies changing one's own thoughts for her love...
— teopteop
Not a bad assessment of line 3; conventions being those things that one might normally do to earn respect or love from someone. In brooding thought, those types of things can seem inadequate in their normalcy, I wanted to try to capture the desperation to find a new way of saying or doing things.
I'm glad someone finally liked this one, thanks for saying so.
— root
Wow. Well done.
— themolly
Omg! This is how I dream to write.
— hemothymia
L5 needs to end in some sort of punctuation, i believe
i really, really like this poem.
— inutile
How did I miss this fine poem? I had not checked the commentary you left for the gay Jack tumbles for Jyl poem. Thanks for leading me to this well-crafted sonnet. It's beautiful. -reid-
— netskyIam
Cheers to all four of the past comments--molly, hemothemia, inutile and reid. Thanks for saying so.
— root
Say out loud:
"I loike it! It's noice!"
— unknown
I like this very much. It is well-crafted but holds a lot of emotion.
Lines 7-8 very beautiful.
Not too sure about 'a vesper bloom' - does it refer to your thoughts? Could you clarify for me so I can comment?
— smugzy
Thanks for the comment smugzy.
l11-12 enjambment meant to indicate two possible meaning i think you picked up both of them based on your question. I realize its not the best use of enjambment, but I think the dual meaning is strong enough to keep--I'm not going to elaborate because I don't know how without being obvious, but thanks for the compliment.
Believe it or not this is the first time in...3 years I've had a piece on the top rated. By now I'm over the 'celebrity' aspect of this site, but I'm glad to see this one get a little bit of reading/comments.
Cheers
— root
Also thanks to unknown, and a clarification: A good critique is always more welcome than a good rating.
— root
i love you
— TheYoungCrow
I like this. It has an element of originality that is rarely seen in my opinion.
— propoet50
nice.
— listen
I really enjoyed this poem;
the dedication deepens my feelings for it.
Beautiful.
Thank you for writing.
— jenakajoffer
I'm rating this one higher simply because there's a woeful lack of work in the traditional forms on this site. Oh, and also, I like it. :) Though I do thnk L8 could use some further thought... why excise the non-metrical syllable from "wondering" but leave another syllable just as out of place in "mystery"? Maybe some rethinking of the word choice is called for?
— brainhaven
it is a fine poem you have made but with faults
"like water" -- the only choice befitting water out of circumvent, quicken, spill and glide is spill. circumvent? quicken? glide? water?
"like wine" -- steep? wine?
while it has great sonic value oceans crash is highly suspect
also the final line would seem to contradict line 13
"as" oceans crash... "so" ... liquid, moves...
see what I mean?
it all sounds very poetic though and the title is quite good
— unknown
Just beautiful. Great job!
— Isabelle5
applause applause applause
for a steady and formulaic performance, rated it way up there with a 10!
now what would be really interesting would be to treat this like a kindergartener treats construction paper with those little scissors, and present the exact same poem, only all fuckadocious and modern and punked out.
to live healthily inside conventions and then shit on them, ya know?
i'll do it, if you'll give me permission
— aurelius
Lots of hand-picked, pretty words that don't add up to a strong poem.
— poetbill
very moogy. why not chop every fifth word out and see if this mural painted in the old style might not be a cubist work? it would have some spirit. for a formula poem like this, you can sometimes do an interesting thing: insert a counter beat every 6 beats... it would set a pattern over your ten beat lines and free you of having to come up with clever phrases... act as a syncopation.
jeepers, this is thick. it's so dependent on movies and cheap novels for its syntax -- i can read it for what it is, as "one of those", but as writing or art it's just frosting on ice cubes. for instance, you're not kind to water and that's rude.
the joes are going to love this though, cause it's sort of a high-toned writing, kind of like the novel "rebecca" --"as oceans crash against gravity's might" -- it's ok to be a Mallarme', but it's better to be him after you've done a lot of thinking about what a poem should be written for. he did.
— joey
nice sonnet
— unknown
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