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Upon Your Return, I No Longer Desire You
dmartin

How does it feel to know you’re everything I need?
 1
How’s that for job security?
 2
 
 
Gutless wonder that you are,
 3
I really wish I could just defeat you,
 4
to see you are residue,
 5
smoke, soot, and ashes
 6
and you burn my eyes when I look into the fire.
 7
The third degree burns go straight to the heart,
 8
lingering like moonshine along with the disillusions.
 9
 
 
The drama and the center stage,
 10
so self-centered you exit through the crowd,
 11
we turn on the house lights,
 12
but you’ve already vanished.
 13
It was quite an act you put on,
 14
so believable, I bought it.
 15
Play is over, still we go on pretending.
 16
 
 
Apparently you’ve lost your way,
 17
for you, cross the street
 18
when the red hand stops blinking.
 19
Nothing hurts you, right?
 20
Purity allows you to lack guilt,
 21
Cut the shoelaces from the power lines,
 22
done for one, game over.
 23
 
 
God accepts liars, so can I.
 24
Put the safety on, look me in the eyes.
 25
Tell me you love me, though you despise me,
 26
That you need me, though you discard me,
 27
That we’re together always, though we’re Paris and L.A.
 28
You have my blessing to lie, so you do
 29
and now I hate you for that too, its only fair.
 30
 
 
I used to think you were an angel,
 31
but as the days pass,
 32
you’re just another one of heaven’s rejects.
 33
Your halo is your noose,
 34
and though you deserve to hang from the sky,
 35
you slip, it’s just too loose,
 36
now you’ve crashed the party, my life…
 37
 
 
It’s just never enough for you,
 38
why can’t you just stay invisible?
 39

thank you aforbing for you motivation, I have redone this a bit, added some and am happier with it... please offer your criticism.

31 Mar 05


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Comments:

line 5:  "your" residue
This is a good jumping off point, but it isn't finished yet and you know it.
It deserves a lot more tweaking and some finishing touches.
This is like a film before it goes into the cutting room.
Go back into the edit room and take care of business, buddy.
You know better!
 — aforbing

this has gone to the editing room, been revised and lengthened... any comments?
 — dmartin

I would drop lines 38 & 39.
However, on all other counts, you have done a great job of improving this.
I'm happy that you can take my criticism positively.
I have apparently ran off (miffed) a couple of "newbies" recently becuz they post as unknown and I let 'em rip.  (You know how blunt I can be)
Anyhoo--I spent the time to give them thoughtfelt critique and they took it personal and got all hurt over it.  That's never my intent.
Upon further reflection.... How's this for your last line:
"falling star"  Just a thought.
 — aforbing

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