poetry critical

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January 6th '82

I wannabe dad in shining armour,
halo dad,beau,mot,
somewhere over the rainbow dad,
practically perfect in every way,
fey, ole,workaday,happy birthday
far beyond the Milky Way
yet close,comatose while grandiose,
all my big mistakes, heartaches,
unlucky breaks swept into one big bin
and carried off to the refuse tip,
leaving calm serene without sin beaming dad,
other guy not in,dark dad dispelled,
re-invented for the day your life
unfurled, curled in the crook of my arm.
Your tiny finger held on tight, gripping
in the dead of a frozen January night.

5 Apr 05

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i read this a few times yesterday. i like the rhythm. substitute dad for mum and i can empathise too.

i guess you could say it's grown on me.

i like your poems from dad perspective.

 — unknown

Dear Kaleidazcope,

How can you ever explain the wonder of a first born child?

Larry heart beat Lark
 — unknown

For once, the sloppy (purposeful) structure actually works in the context of the poem.  I'm not too sure how well I actually understand the message, being so young -- but there're differences between understanding and appreciating.  Your child is lucky to have you for a dad.
 — midare

Dear Midaire

Thanks for a crit that really makes me happy

Larry smiler Lark
 — larrylark

Children are always a special blessing (my daughter was born on Christmas). We all want to be our best for them. Sometimes we are, sometimes we aren't. But if we're a good Dad or Mom, there's always love there! Great work!
 — wamblicante

Dear Winclecambe

Yes they are a blessing especially when thet leave the house at 3AM and leave all the doors wide open while i sleep soundly on only to wake in the morning to find that some theiving bastard has walked in and stolen my fur lined winter underpants that were drying in front of the paraffin stove.

Larry chapped bum Lark
 — larrylark

Fur lined underpants make your balls itchy, don't they? :)
I love the rhymes and rhythm in this, it swept me along quite nicely.
I don't ever really find things that capture my attention anymore,
but this did. Very good, Larry the refuse tip lark. :D
 — unknown

refuse to tip? whaddya mean wendz, refuse to tip? - larry always gives generously in restaurants. Shakes head.
 — opal

*flicks Opal in head*
Refuse tip, as in line six, Opal the Misreader Lark. :D
 — unknown

Dear Wendz

you've finally sussed that we, or at least  Moi, often talk garbage, but you knew that all along; didn't you?

Larry happiness is a bin liner Lark

PS My old mans a dustman.
 — larrylark

 — mmoneypenny

Hi Moneypenny

I went for a drink and to buy xmas prezzies with her last night and she is even more beautiful 24 years later.

Larry lucky man larl
 — larrylark

 — Amaranta

Nice, clean rhyme scheme!  It's got classic Hip Hop/Rap moments about it and the message comes thru very clearly too.  Good little write!  2005?  Wow!!!  This one goes back a LONG way!  :-)
 — starr