poetry critical

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living with the ex you get away with nothing

i have a friend
he's been living with his ex for a year
she's not getting better
when she caught him eating her left-over italian
scooping it out of the kitchen garbage bin
(he knew he smelled it somewhere)
it was almost the last straw remaining
of her thin sanity
he got called all sorts of names
none good
'but it was right on the top of the daily news!
perfectly clean!'
in the morning
he walked out to check the heating oil
her ranting on his heels
(she likes to turn off the heat
in case the house blows up)
until she saw the cigarette butt
that landed on top of her very fine and brand new
after floating down from the upstairs window
that is above the tub
where he took a bath the night before
to clean up and relax
before enjoying a nice italian dinner

7 Apr 05

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the whole theme is clever, but i feel that in the 5th stanza that there's too much telling.  l22-23 seems unintelligible.  and i'm not sure i would separate l20 and 21.  i would just make them one line.
 — sassybnyss

what's clever?
 — hank

the z3 is a prettier car. the z4 looks like a clown shoe. she is clearly insane. was there garlic bread?
 — noodleman

"convertible" Z4s are cool. Noodleman likes eating clown shoes.
This is oh so good. :)
 — unknown

glad you like it wendz. makes the misery i'm receiving from my friend over posting this poem worth it.
 — hank

i like a woman who's slightly unhinged.
did i say slightly? i meant completely.
exploring the line twixt femdom and bitch, chauvinist pig and slob ... nicely told

-> her ranting on his heels -- lovely
 — Bloodfetish

i think the hinges may have busted.
 — hank

just got word. no garlic bread.
 — hank

I agree with sassybnyss that this is good, and clever; I do like the whole unhinged idea, too.  I only wonder if you really need a "brand-new BMW" and upstairs; the whole wealth aspect of it strikes me odd.  Most crazy women I've been involved with don't have two nickels to rub together.

 — mikkirat

there should always be garlic bread. i will send him some wrapped in the daily news. i recommend the post though. spicier flavor.
 — noodleman

I love the way you did that. Compressed space and time into one great tenable circular singularity. Cause and effect, heat, damage. The slow burn. Comes around goes around. Entropy and heat death. Superstrings and spaghetti. Dude this is the uber-breakup poem. Down through the ages.
 — ollylama

-laughs- Now, who is crazier? Man eating out of garbage, or women screaming at him for doing it?

I like this.
 — MissMay

Hah yeah... it seems to me its the man who's not getting any better.. but then again I'm a woman.
 — Cloudless

Should be convertible .

cloudless , I think you are right , ive got worse .

Hey noodleman "where's my garlic bread ?"
 — sir_I_clan

thank you for that.
 — hank

 — hank

Fuck who , did I , i hope she was one of those Californian girls , man those chicks are hot , Hot , Hot .
 — sir_I_clan

Brilliant stuff, Hank.  No bloody carib turtles in sight. Most enjoyable piece I've read of yours since 'old man' and that Barney Rubble effort for Gnorm. I want to give it nine but you do get up my nose occasionally so I'll stick you an eight for the time being.

It really is a damn fine effort.
 — unknown

Had to come and read it again , just to remember how bad things were .
Shame .
 — sir_I_clan

uhuh. but look what a good poem came of it.
 — bettalpha

I was just about to send you a link to this , b you are always one step ahead .
 — sir_I_clan

send me a link to something else. i am in the mood to be the rear end of your pantomine donkey.  and where is scruffy, huh. is it too early for him to be up?
 — unknown

scruffy's still in bed , he hasn't been working , I think he is disillusioned with it all , or hes just a lazy drunk (ha ha) . I always bring up the rear , so you will have to go front .  
 — sir_I_clan

he has the dillusioned with it alls. eh?
that is bad.
don't tell him the answer is at the bottom of a bottle. and that it says. made in france. everyone should make this discovery themselves.

ps. you can go behind. but no poking. ok?
 — bettalpha

ok , no poking .
 — sir_I_clan

scruffy's out of bed and thinking that maybe he should work but head not clear but will probably wander in anyway and sea.
 — hank

you could. or you could waste away the afternoon on the interweb.  
 — bettalpha

scruffy should have stayed in bed .
He really should sea .
 — sir_I_clan

sea legs wobble on land
 — kaleidazcope

Not as much as his hands .
 — sir_I_clan

appears this a bit of an old one so any comments may b wasted bt stumbled upon it so  -  good one (some images all too familiar). v nicely structured  -  like circular aspect. if anything prefer to see less factual furnishing 13  -  24(image achieved &well already)
 — unknown

I like this too. I'm glad it came back around again.
 — Krttika

bloke in question not done any favours by poem though (new to the money?) - interesting to see how money don't maketh the man! Shame. hope hes doin better now
 — unknown

maybe it was her. maybe it was him. good read
 — unknown

Haha..read it bfor bt appeared as random so read it agin ! Hope hes now escaped an regained his sanity (you ain't goin to get an upgraded model (bird not auto) acting like tht   though mate!)
 — unknown

i like your line breaks. especially in 20 and 21. i don't like your use of the word "floating" in 22.  overall, this poem is interesting and tells the story well.
 — HandsomeHerb

Actually unknown I went for the full upgrade .
Sanity doing well , thanks .
 — sir_I_clan

thanks T .
 — unknown

its perfectly clean.
 — amaviena

what a wonderful read...thanks poetry critical.
 — hank

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