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High Street 1946
larrylark

Shadowy shutters, dissected frames,
 1
drizzle twisting through twilight day.
 2
"Here they come!"
 3
thundering through damp cloud,
 4
slicing chimney smokes drifting shroud
 5
See pilots eyes above each house ,
 6
Messerschmidt rotating in flames,
 7
someone screamed out mother's name
 8
as they dived for cover.
 9
 
 
Criss cross vapor trails  icy skies
 10
Shop girls lovers hide in alleys.
 11
Out front a  tally - artifacts messily arranged,
 12
twisted metal from a bullet holed plane,
 13
blackened goggles, all that remained
 14
of a parachute cord stained I.D.  
 15
photo, of wife with pink cheek child,
 16
portrayed in a scene from the Frankfurt fair.
 17
 
 
Later boxed,strewn round the janitors room
 18
among polish, cleaning fluids, hardware.
 19
Picked up,idly thrown in bin
 20
by keen new broom with  Brylcreemed hair,
 21
vacant stare, small mustache.
 22

8 Apr 05

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Comments:

Damn, this is dense.  It's very worth the heavy lifting, though, for the unique underlying narrative.  Good use of alliteration.

The allusions are evocative, but I wonder if Sargasso works here; I'm thinking more Flanders-area when I think "Fokker."  Do you really need the word "German"?  Line 10 could easily just be "twisted metal."

I'm not sure if you'd want to do this, but I feel like I need a little more breathing space in this poem.  Give me more time to absorb the imagery instead of a mad dash into the next dense idea.

Thanks,
 — mikkirat

Dear Mikkirat

thanks for your crit which is much appreciated and i will consider your suggestions carefully when my head has properly woken up,its 8.28 AM here in Preston. Fokker by the way is the name of a German plane.

Plain Larry Lark
 — unknown

remove the "s" at girls... because it has an adjective value... and hinders understandin a bit.
see you.
 — greenmantle

But how will you see me...have you got an x ray telescope?

Larry hidden Lark
 — larrylark

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