| The Sacred Order of Pipers
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themolly
| How many mice followed me around | 1 |
addicted to these steps, | 2 |
only to trick or treat my sounds | 3 |
and become pipers themselves. | 4 |
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Robbing me of an ideal that's reborn each evening, | 5 |
the concrete hope that this treachery has meaning. | 6 |
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Relative, it had always seemed | 7 |
that the flowers loved the bees. | 8 |
Newly these winged thieves seemed criminal to me. | 9 |
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As the air has changed | 10 |
my mind has flown away | 11 |
into a higher state of seeing. | 12 |
My grudge quietly crept off | 13 |
and left my open heart reeling. | 14 |
Why did its perfect order not | 15 |
prevail in thoughts previously thought, | 16 |
when real understanding is all ever want. | 17 |
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Without those mice mocking me | 18 |
I'd gone my life lost on their duty. | 19 |
To draw the marrow from my side | 20 |
and transform it into beauty. | 21 |
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Without the wind to blow dust aside, | 22 |
and without my new philosophy, | 23 |
I'd never have seen the mice or the bees | 24 |
as integral extensions of my body. | 25 |
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14 Apr 05 |
Rated 7.1 (6.9) by 10 users.
Active (10): 1, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (9): 1, 1, 1, 1, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(51 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
ah, nice to see this one
a couple of stumbles for me:
i'd like to see lines 5 and 6 a bit shorter to keep the rhythm set in 1-4
line 15 opens as a question, yet at 17 ends as a statement.
ending 2 stanzas are solid
— Bloodfetish
thanks for the rating. Starting L15 with a question and ending at L17 with a statement, grammatically, is incorrect. I know this. I was trying to show inner monologue.
— themolly
this was a sigh of relief because I haven't seen much that I liked recently and I was starting to get worried. Its got a meloncholy tone I find refreshingly beautiful and I wish I could tie as many images together as you did without sacrificing continuity. Excellent work. Fav.
— Vonnegutman
from 10 to 14 the reeling was real.
for personal taste i might make some tense changes.
it isn't neccessary.
it reals bears close and repeated reading. it's more rewarding each time.
good poem. i like the metaphor. nature, fairytales and home-grown philosophy.
.
— kaleidazcope
really. reals are better. feeling the words rather than spelling them right.
— kaleidazcope
The idea is wonderful but the execution seems clumsy - the rhyming jars and too many words to a line in several places.
— opal
which parts are jarring?
— themolly
Your header note almost scared me away - it is really not needed.
L4 Is not themselves one word?
This blows me away...I hope you also paint you have an artists eye.
— unknown
Line 4 - not so much the rhyme, but the artificial separation of 'themselves'
Line 6 seems out of step with the previous one - I'd take a couple of words or syllables out of each. The middle section again needs some adjustment on the cadence, but the last 2 stanzas are rather good - apologies themolly, I think that the jarring is coming from the difficulty in gaining momentum as I read the poem due to the inability to establish a strong enough cadence. The content is fine - charming,
— opal
Thank you all very much for the kind words and recommendations.
— themolly
I am pleasantly surprised anyone liked this. I thought I was going to be berated for being too granola.
— themolly
Speaking of plagiarism...
— themolly
this is nice, but i don't think i completely get it.
— themolly
sometimes i write things i don't understand. why is that?
— unknown
futile imbeciles
— unknown
HERE WE COME!
— BoundFeet
this is fantastic.
— tiedtoes
Thanks angel. This is very personal to me. Very private.
— unknown
This is REEEEEELY good! Who are you?
— unknown
love the personification of a grudge. thanks
— Trish77
um...your welcome.
— unknown
I did make a comment, but I must say that the content is especially beautiful - those mice are absolutely excellent - looking at it again, I presume with revisions, I was struck by its originality and sheer lightness - lines 22-25 are too good.
— opal
Thanks sweetie!
— unknown
EEEEEEWWWWW. Look at you all the way up there on the top rated list! Don't forget about us down here :) :) :)
— Estrella
Strangely enough, I quite liked this exercise, a bit nonsensical but light and breezy, if one can ignore the misplaced steps.
The first stanza I thought was confusing in its tenses, ‘followed’ to me indicates a past action, ‘these’ steps indicates a present action.
As you appear to be out of sequence with your steps, I hope the mice faired better, it is always a good idea to put one foot on the ground before attempting to lift the other.
Until you get your rhythmic sequence adjusted there is not much point looking any closer at this poem.
In its present state I would give it six for concept, the rest of the poem needs considerable work.
Arminius Prodicus.
— unknown
I completely disagree Armi. You are wrong yet again! I presume you're quite used to that by now.
— unknown
Ouch Armi! That wasn't too polite. What'd you do, set your ettiquette on fire?
— unknown
The mice and bees as thieves is a wonderful observation, but in the case of the bees, plants that appear or taste most irresistible to them and others reproduce more so that the pollen-carriers have to be very wisely guided about what and whom they choose I think. Then the bees are in competition with one another as are the mice. The mice as usurpers I don't comprehend nor how they are all extensions of your body. It's interesting as is your poem- I'm reading a book on ridding one's energy bodies of entities. Some are simply fragments from people who have passed on: the fragments detach as the astral bodies (of Earthly thought motivations, etc.) begin to disintegrate and they can become attached to intact living people in the vicinity. One may get cravings or feel like something of the deceased is in their choices, etc. That is why in Hindu ceremonies, the attendees wear white instead of traditional Euro- & African-American black, as white doesn't absorb but reflects all colors. Sounds like the piper, in the mice being an extension of his/her body, is a sort of ridder and clearer likewise. The dust seems much like the fragments also.
— C
You really grabbed ahold of this. I appreciate your well read enthusiasm. You are dead on.
As for the extensions of my body, I believe we are all one force...one motivation. EVERYTHING, even the things that bring me anguish and irritation are extensions of myself, of you, and everyone.
— unknown
wonderful wording, I lost the flow of the poem two times but that may be my fault.
— imahabit
Your great themolly,could you send me a packet of cheese for my mouse trap?
— larrylark
for sure. what kind, velveeta?
— themolly
how bout govment cheez?
HA
— tiedtoes
no no no...repeat after me... "Gub-ment cheeze" There you go.
— unknown
At least try, you lazy rip-off.
— unknown
huh?
— unknown
good.
— unknown
thankyouverymuch
— unknown
wow, i havent commented on this one yet. i dont know why, ive read it several times, and i enjoyed it. i guess i just didnt have anything to suggest to improve it.
— Lia
thanks--
— unknown
love this
— unknown
awww thanks
— themolly
very nice work. i especially like the ending.
— listen
aw thanks
— themolly
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