| she's got game
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aeturnus
| she takes my breath | 1 |
swallows it deep down | 2 |
puffing out her cheeks | 3 |
and belly. she smiles, | 4 |
slowly at first, | 5 |
testing to see | 6 |
if she can take the pressure | 7 |
her toothy grin shocks me | 8 |
in this moment, | 9 |
i first see | 10 |
how beautiful she is. | 11 |
| |
she tells me horrible things | 12 |
like she wants me gone | 13 |
as if she's trying to | 14 |
scare me away | 15 |
but with each story, | 16 |
each little pressing news | 17 |
or minute bit of her life | 18 |
i'm taken in | 19 |
caught in the next breath | 20 |
and she is that amazing | 21 |
to consume me each time | 22 |
leaving me to lie awake | 23 |
so late at night, | 24 |
pretending i have so much more | 25 |
that i could be doing | 26 |
saying how | 27 |
talking to her, is a | 28 |
side-activity | 29 |
so she wont know | 30 |
just how she has me | 31 |
wrapped around her little finger | 32 |
tongue curled | 33 |
and eyes bright, | 34 |
her motioning that finger | 35 |
in her seductive way | 36 |
pulling me in, | 37 |
-- and i've lost, | 38 |
no chance to win-- | 39 |
eventually she'll find out | 40 |
i'll let her in | 41 |
and there will be no turning back | 42 |
i'll have to stand there | 43 |
hear her rejection | 44 |
see her smug grin and | 45 |
watch her victory dance | 46 |
a couple long steps and a shake | 47 |
she'll think she just won | 48 |
and it'll be over | 49 |
i'll return to my bottle | 50 |
and her to find another sap | 51 |
but mark my words | 52 |
she won tonight. | 53 |
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are these introduction/footnote things useful? er... so my idea is a bit cliche and probably filled with that teen-angsty stuff you've probably read too much of. what can i say? i'm trying to preach to the populace :-p |
19 Apr 05 |
Rated 7 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7, 8, 9
Inactive (5): 8, 8, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(71 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Hey i liked it its realy good!
— LaLa16
oh ya love the title i give it alone a 10! :)
— LaLa16
hey, thank you very much! :)
— aeturnus
This is a frickin awesome poem. It touched me very deeply! Therefore, I give it a 10 a m-f-ing 10.
— unknown
I rarely compose with an audience in mind. Do you always do that?
— themolly
yeah, they're usually scribbed in 2 minutes to some girl waiting on her poem of the moment.
— aeturnus
hey thats not nice....i enjoy what you write even when its not about me. and u know this.
— unknown
oi, who was that?
— aeturnus
nice picture of the situatio painted here. I like: but with each story, 16
each little pressing news 17
or minute bit of her life 18
i'm taken in 19
caught in the next breath 20
and she is that amazing 21
to consume me each time 22
leaving me to lie awake 23
so late at night, 24
pretending i have so much more 25
that i could be doing 26
saying how 27
talking to her, is a 28
side-activity
hwoever side activity sounds a little awkward, although I like the meaning here.
— Riverwriter2
you're right about side activity. i'll try to find something nicer there for that. any suggestions?
— aeturnus
There's a lot of good stuff here: Your being blindsided by her beauty, and all those real, little details that work effectively in this telling-tale. The last line is perfect, but I would rewrite lines 51+52. They're kind of weak and old-fashioned.
As an older woman, I say you have precocious insights into the feminine mystique, and I think you're a very talented young writer.
— graceinmtl
you're right about those 2 lines -- what would you suggest?
and thank you for that compliment, that's very nice of you. i just wish i was better with the ladies ;)
— aeturnus
yaay!
you've proven it's possible to have teen-angst-y stuff and cliche reworked into something as un-cliched as it can get... i'm impressed 8)
=misspanda
— misspanda
well.
lemme guess.
morning glories on the verdandah
and then someone gets read miranada
on a pogo stick
nah. nt ramdom enouigh. not condom enough. not kingdom enough. not sdom enough
Sodomizarmearmourmio
— unknown
stop apologising, get rid of the footnote. the rest is fine, mature writing and not at all angsty.
— Meep
yah
meep is right
meepmeep
— unknown
this is not bullshit
but it might be pure bullshit
lemme ask my mova
— unknown
simply amazing, the funny thing is.........I know that feeling!
— DICE
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