Comments:
and posted for WHAT reason?
— unknown
to annoy people such as yourself.
no, actually, there is a point, being left up to the reader? youll get it eventually
— misspanda
its like ten thousand spoons when all u need is a knife
yawn
the verbal terrorists
— unknown
here's the thing about using repetition: you have to be very, very careful with it. sometimes it can keep a poem floating and othertimes it just acts like an anchor dragging the poem to the bottom of the sea.
drop some of the repeats: keep the poem floating. perfect it.
— youthculture
hmmm pretty good
— misspanda
sneaky you changed the title but it still sucks ass
— unknown
same thing, my computer's messed up, i was not trying to comment on my own poem!
:-)
— misspanda
hmm i beg to differ
— unknown
on the it "sucks ass" part.
i believe you on the other one. i think...
— unknown
wow some ppl just give unknowns a bad name
i like it, but its slightly cliched.. maybe change the last stanza, but i don't have any other ideas....
... a 7
— unknown
It rhymnes all the way until the last line and then doesnt. ???? Messes it up.
— MFine
I like
— Meadow
a random treat. Strong mood piece. The detractors have simply never been tired enough to fill the feel. I love this poem. ( and I love your pearls and shoes). A chocolate to share?
Grace
— unknown
Myself I like this. It reminds me of a friend of mine. I feel that line 2 doesn't fit somehow though ?
— marmite
Your usage of the word little is in this case unpoetic. Chin up.
— unknown
i didn't like it til line 7, and then line 12 didn't go with the rest of it, neither in meter nor rhyme. so i quote: "had some potential, but it seems to be lost".
just work with it a little. instead of the first couple lines just listing images and then dropping them, extend a certain image or metaphor to make the list a mechanism of building, rather than just throwaway lines.
— SteelAngel
Oh, you got right down to the last word and lost it! exhausted and lost almost rhyme! I have an actress friend and I was thinking of her the whole time, even though she isn't broken at all! You might want to get rid of so much space.
— Isabelle5
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