| Your poem
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slancho
| The morning takes its time | 1 |
to spin me senseless; | 2 |
swollen gestures of lightheaded | 3 |
tobacco courtiers weave the night before | 4 |
into drunk lipstick hisses | 5 |
sulking at inky blisters, | 6 |
naked, | 7 |
across the fuller face of the moon. | 8 |
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25 Apr 05 |
Rated 9 (8.4) by 1 users.
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Comments:
deep
— unknown
hrr. lots of pretty words and metaphors, but the shift of time is bothering me i think; i understand the referal to the previous evening, but eh--
— youthculture
THis is an interesting poem, I wrote it yesterday as a response to a poem written by someone I do not yet know, thus, the title: 'Your poem.' This poem is about mornings after nights by myself, same beginnings every day, painfully reminded of being trapped, the way it is these days, being spun by tobacco courtiers rather than human ones, thus, lipstick hisses rather than lipstick kisses ... the ink blisters I discover in the light of dawn after sleepless nights of writing, under a full moon. Thanks for the comments . . . I hope the explanation helps.
Maria
— slancho
then again, funny one should explain poetry in a paragraph longer than the poem itself, maybe I do not write clearly enough . . .
maria
— slancho
i get it
but then, i've been there before
too many times.
i hate mornings like this, though i'm glad
to awaken, given the circumstances of the night before.
lines 4 & 5 are killer
— Bloodfetish
Your Poem has a lovely use of language; even with some hard-edged ideas (drunkeness, blisters) your word-choice leaves the reader with a soft, romantic perception of those rough, difficult mornings. My one suggestion, if you'll allow me the liberty, might be a semi-colon at the end of the 2nd line. While each image and idea references the preceeding and following images, the breathlessness of this poem doesn't give the reader quite enough time to relish & visualize each line, and there is so much that is delicious and lovely to savor.
Yours,
— mikkirat
I think you write clearly enough.
Very sensate, I love that.
Beautiful work.
— Krttika
inky blisters... love that
— tragicbubble
I have to agree that the contrast between the ugly and raw ideas and the light, flowing way they are presented is very intriguing. The flow of the poem is a bit off, but that could very well just be me.
— loveislove
wow, I have not visited this poem for a while and thus, missed everybody's comments.
thank you Bloodfetish (david), mikkirat, krttika, tragicbubble and loveislove, for your input
I remember writing this on a bench at Uni, it was shortly after daybreak ...
the flow of the poem might be a bit off because I was a bit off at the time
thanks again,
maria
— slancho
what are you studying slancho ?
— unknown
I had never read this before.
Damn, have I been there before.
Wonderful write, little one.
— unknown
to the first unknown: at the time I was at Arizona State University, presently I am in Lancaster, England
to the second unknown, thank you, dear - it was sort of a good being there at the time, intense and potentially dangerous in the morning. Anyway, I am babbling
Maria
— slancho
pfu, appears as if I cannot read. To the question "what" and not "where" I am studying - political theory, poetics, refugees.
— slancho
i might bring before closer to night. the pause is too great.
it might mean a more dawn smoke haze layout.
a quick play below
The morning takes its time 1
to spin me senseless; 2
swollen gestures of lightheaded 3
tobacco courtiers weave the night 4
; &nbs p; &nb sp; &n bsp; before
; into drunk lipstick hisses 5
sulking at inky blisters, 6
naked, 7
across the fuller face of the moon.8
i like your poem
— bettalpha
before tucked under night
not all the way over in sweden
plaiting platinum blondes' pigtails.
— bettalpha
thank you, dear
I like your poem after my poem, I think it was the pigtails
will bring before closer to night ... that sounds funny on its own terms
cheers
maria
— slancho
This is an interesting poem! Why do you feel the need to give yourself praise and congratulate yourself so much while still having to explain your poem?
— unknown
unknown (I wish you would reveal yourself),
thank you for reading. I do not think I was self-congratulatory, my first comment was almost self-reflective, wondering out loud at the strange little ways that brought this poem together, that is all. I wrote this ... a year ago and have since learned better than to explain my poems, I suppose you will give one room for change, poetic maturity and learning space. My first comment was also written a year ago ... when I had just started posting on PC, thus the insecurity and explanations. I rarely do that now, people on this site know.
Thank you for visiting.
maria
— slancho
Maria, look what the Angels just brought me. Astonishing how we're linked. Imc
— Isabelle5
Overblown .striving too hard for effect
— larrylark
larry, can you explain
I am sorry you shoulf feel that way, I wrote this poem more than a year ago and I have allowed myself the time and the space to grow, would you allow it as well?
maria
— slancho
I like how the poem gives an effect of spinning right after the words 'spin me senseless'.
— marshponds
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