poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Japanese Girl / with the munchies
unknown

The Japanese Girl
 1
               with the munchies:
 2
 
 
"I am so honey"
 3
she wishpered.  
 4
               and i knew she was.
 5
 
 
"I have dry mouse"
 6
she breathed.  
 7
               and i felt that this was true.
 8
 
 
"But I'm bit hungry,"
 9
she bit,
 10
        by bit,
 11
               and all i could do was smile.
 12

4 Mar 03

Rated 8.7 (8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 9
Inactive (15): 3, 4, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

what a statement on american-japanese relations and worldview. how cute!
 — C

lmao....that was really cute...hahahha
 — xsadxstarx

I love the first 5 so much.
 — unknown

This makes me hungry. It's Very Close, so everything feels on breaths. My compliments.
 — semaj

thats awseome.
 — thinknerd

I love this poem that just came up random.  I can see the scene and feel the accent.  Splendid piece!!!!
 — davidm

I agree this is well done!

I'm not too keen on the bit x 3 in l9-11, tho.

but that's just me.
 — beatbitch

I like "wishpered" heheheh.
 — SeraphSoul

this made me laugh out laud and re-read it five times smiling hard. this was joyous.
 — warsager

youre right bb.  it bugs me too.  i have to think up something else...
 — gnormal

i like the bit x3, works for me.
 — warsager

yeah i just changed it.  i removed "chomping" so the three bits seem to work ok now.
 — unknown

no name poet?
 — warsager

it's mine.
 — gnormal

well it's absolutely perfect
 — warsager

forget it ......
 — unknown

I don't get it?!?!?!?!?!
 — unknown

cute
 — unknown

This poem made me smile hard.
 — OKcomputer

Odd. In a good way.
 — unknown

i like it a lot. however i'm not too keen on the leaving the "i"s that refer to you uncapitalised, seeing as you capitalised the ones that refer to her. i don't really see the desired effect.
 — aerol

I can't believe I never commented on this.  Oh, maybe because I wasn't on site then.

This reminds me so much of the movie Full Metal Jacket.  But not exactly, which is good because that was sleazy and this is just funny.
 — Isabelle5

lol
 — unknown

Very good poem
 — unknown

wishpered
 — unknown

mousey
 — unknown

.
 — unknown

love it.
but why unknown?.
 — unknown

wishpered is deliberate? if so i love this word joining

love line 3
 — Mongrol

haha.
brilliant.
i love how it makes me question every single word in the poem and derive a million possible meanings, none of which are intended probably, but the possibility of them gives the poem that much more.
 — sophiesword

wish/purred - fantastic
read this many times but never commented, just great great communication
thanks!
 — unknown

^ so why unknown, how can the thanks be reciprocated.
 — sir_I_clan

this would be big in English-speaking circles
in Japan.

silly and good, gnormal.
: )
 — fractalcore

just revisiting...

; )
 — fractalcore

this poem is super happy fun time number 1 !

a little silly, but that's not a bad thing.. :)

arigato, mr roboto!
 — Mongrol

ahuh.

what do you think of "Yoko"?
: )
 — fractalcore

i mean as a japanese girl's name, Mong?
: )
 — fractalcore

i think it's a lovely name :)

i would love to speak it into the ear of a girl named Yoko...
 — Mongrol

This site confuses the hell out of me.  It seems the only poetry deemed "worthy" is mostly nonsense or stuff like this.  Yes this is sort of cute with it's play on words but I personally didn't find it all that interesting or poetic--please note I said "personally"--I feel the attack building already...

I try to be open minded and I (again personally) feel that what is considered poetry is deemed by the author and not the reader.  Having said that I almost get the feeling that the major players here want, more than anything, to appear to be far more "artsy" than they actually are.  It almost feels like--"If I don't get it, it must be poetry but I can't tell anyone that I don't get it because that would mean I'm not as artsy as I want everyone to think I am."

And yes, I am posting this anonymously as I'm not in the mood for a personal attack.  Maybe I lack the required literary sophistication for this particular site or the type of poetry favored here is not for me, I don't know, but as stated, this site confuses me to no end.

Author please note--the above wasn't directed at your poem in particular and my apologies for ranting in your space.  
 — unknown

last unk, you'll find that the author of this piece
writes in different styles if you try to do a little
research on him. there has been some serious
issues going on lately so a bit of loosening up
could really vent some steam out.

you're just acclimatizing and that's understandable.
: )
 — fractalcore

perfect.
 — unknown

hungry?

hurry?

followthru? (lest we the reader question the stereotypical integrity of the piss)

theenks!!
 — unknown

ass day wood halve eat,
wor[l]d piss two every one end ol'.

; )
 — fractalcore

Entertaining - altho one wonders if a "nip" would be amused.
 — unknown

Terrific conceit and nice light execution.

I would consider a new title; it's a missed opportunity to enrich a short write, and the repetition takes some of the punch out of the first line.

I might also rephrase S1, losing the cap in "Girl" and writing "has" instead of with, disposing of the fragment to set up the poem.
 — NicMichaels

Cute.
I am assuming the "i" is lower case on purpose.
Perhaps remove quotes and use Italics instead? Or not.
 — Josephseth11

italics scream, quotes mutter -- better to use the position of the phrase in the entire piece as the emphasis marker.
 — cadmium

ignore the pedophile cadmium / James Bauer
 — unknown

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