| hiroshima won't be as sweet
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Rixes
| tomorrow: | 1 |
i'll watch the rain | 2 |
fall like lemon drops | 3 |
as it stains the sides of roofless | 4 |
houses, erect like candy canes, | 5 |
and dive into endless rows | 6 |
of dry, open mouths. | 7 |
| |
don’t be fooled; this is the way it should be, | 8 |
oh nagasaki. | 9 |
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for inuki,
written backstage of annie get your gun |
28 Apr 05 |
Rated 8.4 (7.6) by 19 users.
Active (19): 1, 1, 1, 4, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (47): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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(138 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Oh, Rixes!
This is beautiful.
Thank-you so much. Nobody has ever written me a poem of before in my entire life. ^^ The closest I've come is being mentioned twice in poems on this site, and my words used twice.
I adore the imagery in this, and the topic certainly isn't an unfamiliar one to me. ^.^
I will try and come back soon to give a proper critique, but I just wanted to thank-you for such splendid words.
— Inuki
Erect like candy canes is a beautiful line.
We preformed Annie Get Your Gun at our school too.
— InMyBlood
I'm glad you enjoyed it, Inuki. And thanks for the comment, InMyBlood. May I ask if you were in your school's production? If so, who did you play?
— Rixes
I unforchinatly was only in the audiance. The postition of director was taken unforchinately.
— InMyBlood
Ah. Well, the audience is still a keypart in any theatrical performance. The audience's own activity can even influence the actors and the play itself. Life's funny that way, y'know?
— Rixes
Yeah its true, I have played in several bands, and if you have a really enthusiastic crowd your preformance is better. If they just stand there and blankly stare at you you really dont feel like going all out for them. The best show we had had about 7 people at it. They were really into it though. We played really well even though our van got toed and we were stuck in the shitty section of Baltimore at a seedy club. Fucking royal farms.
— InMyBlood
Sounds like a real interesting event. But to say it was onyl seven people, that's pretty impressive--on their part and the band's. It just proves that there's *breaks into song* No Business Like Show Business, Like No Business I Know. So, Let's Go On With the Show!
Oh goodness, I need to go to bed. I'm delirious.
— Rixes
i think the bigest crowd i have played for was about 150
— InMyBlood
this is beautifully written.
and inunki's reaction makes me want to write them something.
— kaleidazcope
there is much beauty in this, the images tasty, startling (rain like lemon drops/staining roofless houses/diving/into dry open mouths)
but i keep seeing stark black and white mushroom clouds destroying those cities.
you make me want to visit japan, and wipe some of the guilt from my mind: i'm only 50, not old enough to have been a part of the war -- but all americans carry some responsibility
— Bloodfetish
i love your poem
— bettalpha
i am always floored by the depth of your talent and the brevity of your work. rich.
— noodleman
OMG
— housepoppy
Wow. You really wrote this backstage? That is truly unbelievable.
— CajunMoon
your the man! i love it!
— RiverBliss
l..m..a..o.
"...hiroshima...
NAGASAKI!!!!"
— Rhein
P.S. Fantastic.
— Rhein
This is excellent. You made line 3 seem completely unique. You deserve to be in the top rated.
— X
nagasaki is a fun word to say
say it like 10 times fast
wheeeee
— unknown
To whomever rated this as a one: Do not go outside today or you will be struck by lightening (or hit by a large truck). On second thought, go outside, it's a pretty day.
— housepoppy
outstanding.
— bianca
mmm. reads interestingly backwards. how backstage tastically proper.
— kaleidazcope
.ones and this poem simply don't agree. excellent
— unknown
Comma after the first line. Lovely, Rickey. Very lovely, indeed.
-wendz
— unknown
Maybe it's me being a perv, but using the word erect in ANYTHING makes me giggle. I like this though. Especially line 3.
— MissMay
I like it, It's diffrent. I really don't understand the last line, Private JOke?
— Velvet
Lol, Velvet. Private joke. Hehe. That's funny. And I'm not laughing at you, I just find that funny.
No, seriously, Nagasaki is a city in Japan that was bombed during WWII. I learned about it this year in World History.
-Rixes
— unknown
lol yes well I didn't fully understand it, Now I do. Who's Inuki? Our school also did Annie Get Your Gun, but if I remember correctly, it was two years ago
-Velvet
— unknown
Refer to first comment on this poem to find out who Inuki is.
-Rixes
— unknown
I see..
-Velvet
— unknown
yuck. this leaves a yucky taste in my mouth. I'm sorry, but...ewww.
— themolly
Ok, themolly. That made less than 0.001 much of sense.
— unknown
so good.
— sweetascandy
hahaha I was one of the first to read this during play practice, yay It's great!!(10)
— Gabriella
weak ending. brevity is the soul of shit.
— unknown
themolly doesn't leave useful crits. she just takes a dump on your poem and moves on.
— unknown
weak ending my ass. just because you failed history doesn't mean it has a weak ending.
— unknown
But you were wise to post as unknown. Some can say a lot with few words,
the less talented need more. The ending is f***ing great.
— housepoppy
another kernel of overratedness
— unknown
Excellent Poem (10)
— Subtle
tomorrow i ll cum like rain
and watch the sperm drops
stain your napalm skins
dont drool. this is the way it should be.
o nookie noookie...
for all my peeps who know me
drew
— unknown
Drew? The Drew I know, Drew? As in "Indians!" Drew? Hmm.
In any event, your comment/poem is pretty good. It made me laugh, which isn't particularly the easiest thing to do.
— Rixes
today
i watched the pain
tear your face off
and leave your ashen body
as a fossil for mankind
tomorrow
i will start to try to forget you
drew
— unknown
You haven't answered my question!
*cough* I liked that one too. It was nice. Make an account, now. Or
else.
-Rxs
— unknown
this is good, i like it alot.
— infinity
drew? indians ? explain?
— unknown
have you ever seen the play Annie Get You Gun? well, drew played one of the indians in the La Troupe production of it. very hilarious, if i must say so myself.
— unknown
oh that has more significance than u will ever know
— unknown
ok, unknown. Maybe you should take an English class before you try to post comments in our language.
— themolly
wonderful. short yet has so much to it. awesome JOB!
— SweetPain
which unknown is it that should take an English class?
— unknown
I believe it is the one w/ the u's. Oh and Rixes, great poem. I think I liked Pete's analogy better though.
— unknown
please
— LivingLies
tomorrow
i ll vomit like rain
and let the bile drops
camouflage your rows
of yellow broken teeth
today, i ll pretend to like your smile.
for puki written backstage of annie wipe your bum
d
— unknown
thats a goodin !!!!!!!!!!
kayla wendling
— unknown
Redeemer says that Drew may be getting a little carried away with this. I'm not saying they're not funny, but if he pulls any more of those out of his arse, I might have to scream.
— redeemer
Rix-
I like this poem.
And sorry to hijack your comments, but I thought to mention that if redeemer uses the word "arse" without justification one more time, I might have to scream.
— claudia
Not bad, rixes.
This is actually OK.
— unknown
"arse" heeheehee!
— unknown
very funny claudia. I'll make sure to use caboose next time just for you. ( D
— redeemer
tomorrow
i ll pee like rain
and admire the yellow drops
flooding the mouths
of the parched ghetto
kids
today
i ll let my dog eat a 4month old curry
and greet
all the snobby houses in nyc
— unknown
I don't know what this means, but I'm giving it a 3 just becuase I know is has some meaning I don't get. Maybe I'll figure it out someday...
— unknown
WHAT IS THERE NOT TO GET?????????
— unknown
ahem, to drew:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— redeemer
its amazin to me how crap like this nobody even understands getson the top rated list and stays on the top rated list .whatever
— unknown
How could you not "get" this, you ignorant unknowns?
— claudia
I like how this poem introduces lost of flavors. A very interesting sense to go with this topic. You pulled it off beautifally. Awesome
— SirSkankAlot
fuck this is brilliant
— unknown
hard to tell. All you unknowns look the same to me.
— themolly
wow...
— unknown
i love alyson
— unknown
don't kids learn about the bomb in elementary school. What is not to get????
1s???? IGNORANT mfers. eat my ten.
— cruellshoos
tomorrow
i ll watch your pain
sweeten my lemon drop
as it stains the corners of my ascetic mouth
smirking with morbid delite
today i ll pick you up
and raze your naivete
with misleading smiles
xox
drew
— unknown
oh god
— unknown
Okay, I get it but I don't "get" it. Could someone please elaborate? Please?
— unknown
nagasaki was an asian porn star. hiroshima was her twin sister. everyone liked nagasaki coz she had didnt have flat boobs. inuki is the name of hiroshima before she had surgery.
— unknown
Okay, could someone please explain the REAL meaning behind this? I'm not completely stupid, I am aware of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I'm just having a hard time interpretating this. And I would like to be able to, because I think this is beautiful. ;)
— unknown
I, too, am aware of what Hiroshima and Nagaski are, and what happened. I just can't understand the poem.
— unknown
Very good use of extended metaphor.
— unknown
acrid acid rain.........as Hiroshima has been your title is screwed up - I see the picture well of the roofless rows of houses ....you write well
— feetfirst
Bringing this back, as yesterday was the anniversary, of course...
— claudia
Very evocative beautifulimagery,excellent work.
— larrylark
Beautiful...oh, Nagasaki
— unknown
I slant my hand, but do not smile...
— unknown
L6 should be "mouthses".
— yeesher
it's nice to see this back in top rated. this poem is truly incredible.
— Food4DSoul
Love it..
— CervusWright
Okay, there is more than one Drew on this site. From now on I guess I will have to log in to make a comment. O well. I like the poem.
-Drew
— Him
ah combustion, candy and corpses. what more could you ask for in poetry? oh yea, talent! duh!
can you say "uno"
— TheO1dCrow
Myself, having just read this piece of poetic nonsense, am, totally amazed that such American juvenile ignorance actually exists, let alone is tolerated by any education system in America.
What happened in Hiroshima and Nagasaki was the greatest war crime ever perpetuated against a civilian population in the world.
Some day when similar such bombs rain down on American cities and it populations are vaporised in a split second.
Will America’s youth in its uneducated vastness, have then the incredulous temerity to ask why? maybe then the words of Robert Burn’s will ring in their ears regarding man’s inhumanity to man.
Morchuis.
— Mor
mor u are v dumb. read the poem stop adding more variables from which you can extrapolate and fuel your criticism.
in short
save the drama for your mama
— unknown
I would suggest you read the title, before your cleverness overcomes you.
Morchuis
— Mor
C'mon, quit attacking each other.
I don't like the poem. It makes shallow of horrific recalls. I
am lucky I have no personal association with that only-ever-so-far nuclear death. Burn, rot from the inside.
Infants, grandmothers without ears, hemorrages, nausea.
I cannnot get myself past the awful reality the -names- of those cities, in pair, return the dead--in charred and mouldering heaps of stench and poison. The bombs were necessary in order to save hundreds of thousands of US and Allied expeditionary forces. It was a cruel decision to drop those bombs. One that I happen to agee with, but---what a legacy. Japan brought those bombs, not Truman. Japan, recalcitrant, deluded.
Now, there are few things I would kick about: Poems about pretty lampshades made of human skin, that sort of thing, and this. It's just me and a few million others.
Go on and devalue the meanings of death if you must. I vote "please do--think for them instead of dancing laughter over their cremains".
— netskyIam
i never posted this poem -- or any poem -- for anything other than honest critique. i thank those who have given that to me, mor and netsky included. i do not claim to be a great poet or even thinker. i have never claimed any of this. i simply posted a poem-like thing. that's all. and i am truly sorry if anyone felt differently or if anyone felt the need to address this "dilemma."
i am even sorrier it has come to this, poetry critical.
thanking you for your comments,
rixes
— Rixes
also -- just so it is sure -- don't "fool" me for a A-bomb appreciator. i have taken AP us history and understand why this horrible act was "a necessary means to end the lives of others;" however i still recognize this act as horrible and, ultimately, unjustified
please please don't confuse the speaker in this poem -- or again any of my poems -- necessarily for me.
rixes
— Rixes
oh, it's just a poem. and I'm a whining old motha superior.
uh, moderation should remove such attacks as they are found out.
A logged-in critic does not deserve anonymous attacks.
In a poet's commentary list, I cannot engage and defend myself against shit bombers.
It hurts your poem commentary, Rixes, anyway.
Say, if you wouldn't mind to ask a moderator to remove this posting and the 'whiny bag' attack on myself? I'd appreciate it.
Rixes, don't feel bad or think I think you really discount history.
It's just your poem doing that and as such, such a provocation will always polarize.
No real worries here, thanks. -Reid-
— netskyIam
Sometimes the best work comes at the worst times.
annie get your gun, mixes get your pen.
A flawless piece not to be confused with the atrocity but the beauty o fhte place as their is more to one place then one time in history.
— Caducus
does the sting of satire allude netsky?
— unknown
Seriously lovely.
— Isabelle5
for inuki,
written backstage of annie get your gun
why?
— unknown
I like to call this 'the noodleman effect,' a lot hoopla over nothing.
— unknown
wow, this is really beautiful. i like this a lot. the imagery is beautiful. <3
— missmurder
I wince.
— povertea
nah, netsky:
it's just a comment
and you should be able to take it.
— Rixes
i never told you that this was a partial inapiration to the one i wrote recently of hiroshima.
The key was the wonderful way you avaioded the obvious connotations hiroshima holds and concentrated on its beauty
— Caducus
line 5 - should be DIVE not DIVES
it needs to agree with FALL
— unknown
It should actually be "dives" and not "dive" in line six. It has to agree with "stains," not "fall"
And otherwise, the poem is very lovely. The cadence, diction and tone are very evocative, and the title is well-chosen.
— jcameron
Kayla Wendling?
— unknown
I remember the first time I read this and really enjoyed it. Thought I'd stop in and read it again--I enjoy it even more.
— TaylorC
Is there a Kayla Wendling formly of Mountain View High School here?
— unknown
She is probably in Brazil right now, and does not reread this think in a while. Oh well.
— unknown
mixed metaphors!
— unknown
This is absolutely disgusting. Wonderful work.
— Fox
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